Fox News Petitions Holy See For New Republican Rite

December 16, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

Photo: AndrewHermez

Photo: AndrewHermez

Fox News Channel CEO Roger Ailes has petitioned the Holy See for approval of a new Republican Rite of the Catholic Church, sources are confirming.

The Rite, which would be under the direct jurisdiction of the Primate of the Republican Party, His Holiness Patriarch Donald John Trump I, would be a self-governing church in, more or less, full communion with the Pope.

“As Patriarch and successor to Ronald Reagan, His Most Divine All-Holiness and Primus Inter Pares of the Grand Old Party, will have direct political and canonical authority over all regions within the walled country of the United States,” Ailes announced. “We ask approval of the Holy See, that we can once and for all make official our standing as the official party of the Vatican in the United States.”

Ailes went on to announce that seat of the “Holy Mother Party” would be located in the Republican National Committee headquarters in Washington, D.C. He also announced that plans were already in place for the formation of a new Code of Canons for the rite, which would include sections titled, How To Handle Syrians That Wish To Enter the Rite, Certain Special Procedures With Regards To Carly Fiorina’s Face, and Ecumenism And How To Bomb The Shit Out Of Other Rites.

At press time, a spokesman for Trump says that plans are underway for a Jubilee Year, which would commence with ceremonious Closing of the Holy Door to pilgrims.