Fox News Petitions Holy See For New Republican Rite

December 16, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

Photo: AndrewHermez

Photo: AndrewHermez

Fox News Channel CEO Roger Ailes has petitioned the Holy See for approval of a new Republican Rite of the Catholic Church, sources are confirming.

The Rite, which would be under the direct jurisdiction of the Primate of the Republican Party, His Holiness Patriarch Donald John Trump I, would be a self-governing church in, more or less, full communion with the Pope.

“As Patriarch and successor to Ronald Reagan, His Most Divine All-Holiness and Primus Inter Pares of the Grand Old Party, will have direct political and canonical authority over all regions within the walled country of the United States,” Ailes announced. “We ask approval of the Holy See, that we can once and for all make official our standing as the official party of the Vatican in the United States.”

Ailes went on to announce that seat of the “Holy Mother Party” would be located in the Republican National Committee headquarters in Washington, D.C. He also announced that plans were already in place for the formation of a new Code of Canons for the rite, which would include sections titled, How To Handle Syrians That Wish To Enter the Rite, Certain Special Procedures With Regards To Carly Fiorina’s Face, and Ecumenism And How To Bomb The Shit Out Of Other Rites.

At press time, a spokesman for Trump says that plans are underway for a Jubilee Year, which would commence with ceremonious Closing of the Holy Door to pilgrims.

  • chezami

    Live forever, EOTT!

  • Jim M.

    Makes sense. We already have a leftist Democrat rite.

    • Andy

      The Left Rite?

      • Skyler von Enn

        No, that Rite Left the Church.

  • It will involve various rites or sacramentals not usually found in Catholic rites including 4 hour debates and never-ending campaigning.

  • Andy

    There’s also a special rite for “Lying to Pro-Lifers Long Enough To Get Their Votes”

    (Don’t worry, it doesn’t count as actual lying.)

    • JR

      I believe that “Lying to Pro-Lifers Long Enough to Get Their Votes” is already a long standing traditional rite among Republicans.

    • Mr. Graves

      Commonly known as the Stupak Liturgy.

  • Vortex Master

    I am disgusted, EOTT, absolutely disgusted… there cannot be a Patriarch Donald John Trump I until there is a second patriarch of that name. This level of journalist ignorance is unacceptable and as such I am canceling my non-existent subscription.

    • Monk

      Oh, but you aren’t appreciating the glorious and triumphal nature of His Holiness, Donald the Great, who demanded this break with precedent. He will likely declare himself to be a saint, too.

      • Hotrod1962

        Getting elected President certainly would be his first miracle towards canonization.

      • TedCoates

        It isn’t a break with precedent. See my reply to SITV. (Besides which, it would be his preogative as Precedent of the United States.)

        • Monk

          Thanks for the additional information. I have been educated on EOTT, the go-to source for Catholic arcana.
          Sincerely, Monk I. (Hey, that looks nice!)

    • TedCoates

      Incorrect. Pope John Paul I chose to use the regnal number right from his election. Vis-à-vis such a precedent, your accusation of journalist[ic] ignorance is spurious. You must reinstate your non-existent subscription.

  • Vincent

    If we are to glean anything from the photo, it appears he leans towards the eastern rite, has traditionalist sympathies and he’s not an iconoclast. There’s going to be trouble at the USCCB meetings…

  • Jim

    The name needs work. He should go with Don John I…or maybe that could be his patriarchal airplane.

  • Derek Thomas

    This is freaking gold.

  • Monk

    Will there be a modification of the Rite of Penance to include negotiation?

    • Hotrod1962

      For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary’s………..father….how about five?

  • AndrewO

    A Catholic Church sui iuris with a remarried, redivorced and reremarried non-Catholic as its Primate, dressed in Russian vestments. This is surely a leftist fantasy masking as parody! 😉

  • James Netusil

    Why is it necessary for EOTT to use vulgarity?

  • Adam Hovey

    I think you are confusing “rite” with “sui iuris”

  • @Catholics4Trump

    This is fantastic news!

    • Sarah B.

      Please tell me you created this profile just to make this comment! 😂😂😂

      • @Catholics4Trump

        Follow us on Twitter. Join the Trumplican movement!

  • Auden Chavez

    Consider yourself Trumped

  • ithakavi

    This should be resisted at all costs. Not because a Republican Rite would be any worse than any Evangelical version of the Novus Ordo, but because the democrats would then demand one as well. And replacing ‘brethren’ with the endless litany of politically correct approved gender theory euphemisms would add at least an hour to the Mass.

  • MNLoonaTick

    Trump doesn’t even attend church. Just sayin’….

  • David Langford

    It wouldn’t be so much a Rite as a Wrong

  • Jakob Pohlman

    Omg