Imperial Jury Indicts Luke Skywalker; Galactic Empire Cleared

January 26, 2016 by  
Filed under Politics

Credit: Wikicommons

Credit: Wikicommons

An imperial grand jury investigating criminal allegations against the Galactic Empire stemming from a series of undercover videos instead indicted two Rebel Alliance activists who shot the footage.

In a stunning turn of events, the imperial grand jury declined to indict officials from the Empire, and instead handed felony charges against Grand Master of the New Jedi Order Luke Skywalker and fellow Rebel Alliance activist Han Solo. Skywalker was also charged with a misdemeanor count related to having the hots for his sister, which members of his own legal team even admitted was “totally weird and deserved.”

The case sprang from a number of undercover videos in which members of the Rebel Alliance posed as Stormtroopers and captured several Empire employees appearing to discuss profiting off of the Jedi purge. However, when the videos were released online last year, the Galactic Empire claimed rebels had edited the videos to “created a misperception.”

“The Rebel Alliance uses the same undercover techniques that imperial journalists have used for decades,” Skywalker said in a statement in response to the indictment.

Galactic Empire officials hailed the indictment as vindication of the dark side, saying,  “As the Tatooine dust settles and the truth comes out, it’s become totally clear that the only people who engaged in wrongdoing are those that used the Force to produce this fraud, and we’re glad they’re being held accountable.”

At press time, seriously, why is that whole Luke being in love with his sister thing even in the movie? You’re telling me that no one, not one single person working on set said anything to George Lucas? Something like, “dude, what the heck is up with that?”

  • JR

    The Farce is with us indeed!

  • Razanir

    Alderaan was an inside job!

  • Mike Dunger

    Bwaahahaaa! That’s awesome!

    Alderaan was a false flag event, they just relocated it to another star system….

  • However, the planet attorney overseeing the Imperial grand jury is a long-time supporter and board member of the elements who profited most off the Jedi purge.

  • Darn liberals ate my bible

    I don’t understand what the problem people have with the Luke + sister thing. They only added that to replace the Luke+Han thingy.

    • VeilOfTiers

      Well there you have it… Replacing the “Luke+Han thingy” was a homophobic move. That’s why the outrage.

  • Jim

    The lead prosecutor, craftily paraphrasing Jedi legend, Obi Wan Kenobi, told the grand jury, “Everything in our indictment is true…from a certain point of view.”

    • Mr. Graves

      The defense attorney then levitated toward the jury, walking stick pointed toward the foreman, and rejoined, “Unlearn all you have learned, you must.”