“Yeah, You’re Going To Hell,” SSPX Priest Tells 12-Year-Old Penitent

February 16, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Local Society of St. Pius X priest Father Marvin McDonald informed 12-year-old parishioner Timmy Seibel that he was, “without a doubt,” going to hell for hitting his sister, sources have confirmed.

The news came as Seibel confessed his sin of smacking his sister square in the face for taking one of his toys, Timmy’s mother Angela Seibel told EOTT shortly after her son’s worthless confession.

“At first glance, I admit, It does seem a bit excessive of a punishment, but Our Lord is good and vengeful,” McDonald told EOTT. “This post-Vatican II Church always wants focus on God’s goodness, but not his justice. And that’s just not right. In fact, his goodness and vengeance are so mystically intertwined that you can never really separate the two. Kinda like the two natures of Christ.”

Timmy Seibel later reported to EOTT that he’s been attending SSPX masses for as long as he’s been alive and that he knew well the consequences before he smacked his sister in the face.

“I deserve to go to hell just like Father McDonald told me. He also said that even if I was remorseful, that it didn’t much matter cause I was bound to sin and sin again.”

According to Seibel, McDonald informed him that it was not a matter of if he would end up in hell, but when and to what circle of hell he would end up burning in for all eternity.

“Listen,” McDonald went on to say, “If you want a silver lining in all this, just remember that Timmy won’t be gnashing his teeth and rending his garments alone. He’ll have close to 1 billion post-Vatican II Catholics going there to keep him company. Then again, they’ll probably be in a much crappier circle of hell than he’ll be in. SSPX hell is kinda like an airport VIP lounge, you know? It’s like, although you’d rather not be in an airport, at least you treated a little more decently.”

At press time, McDonald has excommunicated Angela Siebel for allowing her children to play with toys; a clear violation of SSPX rules and regulations.

  • PJParks

    Not feeling the love in this.

    • David Webb

      Neither am I. Thank you for speaking up!

  • defiant12314

    I love it, I love it, my only worry is that there will be people who take this seriously

    • dupledge

      What! You mean the toy ban is not real. Kids? You can have your toys back now…. 😉

      • defiant12314

        sorry, obviously no one told my mother…… or my parish priest for that matter

      • John Newman

        The toy ban IS real – says the burgermeister Meister Burger

    • David Webb

      “It’s rumored that Angela Seibel subsequently took her son to the local
      diocesan parish for a second opinion. Fr. Joy Joy was able to fit the
      lad in before the scheduled “clown mass.”

      “Fr. Joy Joy remarked that this would be his first Reconciliation since
      being ordained in 2003. Angela and Timmy went over the specifics of the
      Sacrament until Father was confident enough to go through with it.

      “Timmy confessed his sins to Fr Joy Joy, who remarked “Well, that’s not a sin at all. If you’re into toys you should stop by the rectory some time.
      I’ve got lots!”

  • Norman

    … After confession McDonald was having a spat with Westboro Baptist Church adherents over who could identify a larger amount of people going to Hell. They were last seen going over Leviticus, line by line…

  • samton909

    Just wait till he hears about Lady Gaga.

  • Adam Hovey

    Bound to sin and sing again? He’s going to hell for singing?

    • William Mastrangeli

      Those who play “On Eagles Wings”, “Go Make a Difference”, and other “modern” music in church.

      • Mr. Graves

        Amen. 😉

  • “Bound to sin and sing again” So, singing is a sin too?

  • I’m feeling a bit persecuted now.

    • David Webb

      Agreed, but we preserve.

      “If the world hate you, know ye, that it hath hated me before you.”
      ~ John 15:8

  • Vincent

    I’m shocked that CMTV and Mr. Voris didn’t have this latest breaking news before EOTT. By the way… I went to the local Archdiocese Catholic Church…. what’s confession?

    • Vince M Sr

      Not sure about confessions in the old way, but there is a time block of 15 minutes before each Sunday Mass for absolution at my parish. The lines are too long for the priest to hear your sin list so the pastor asks that you
      1)write your sins down
      2) slip them under the door along with a contribution to his vacation fund, he gets 4 weeks a year you know, and he will look them over while he gives the absolution.
      I find this much more convenient that traditional methods especially when Father is on vacation he just leaves the audio playing sensor on so you say your Act of Contrition and the recording automatically says the penance of 3 Hail Mary’s and 2 Our Father’s while kneeling unshod before the Blessed Sacrament at the neighboring parish Adoration Chapel where there is a toll collection box for entry, then plays recording of the Absolution Rite is played.
      Indulgences are available at the Adoration Chapel for additional deposits at both the Confessional and the Chapel.

    • VeilOfTiers

      I had to ask Father about this reconciliation service I saw posted. I asked if it was confession. He said the service might include confession.

      Maybe this is the same archdiocese?

  • What a load of crap this article is.

    • Adam Hovey

      Ummm, satire?

      • David Webb

        Hmmm, vitriol?

      • Satire is still hurtful, non-ecumenical and destructive.

    • Monk

      Sap-O-Meter +1

    • Casper

      Hmmm, trying to see if you’re in a hoodie or a monk’s habit, there…

      • Jeffrey Fitzpatrick

        Appears to be a hoodie.

    • David Webb

      No, it’s no article. What you refer to is actually just crap, full stop.

    • Darran McDonnell

      There is still a little lining of truth. In that, if you commit a mortal sin then confess to an SSPX priest, you are still going to Hell.

      (With the exception of the Year of Mercy we are currently in)

  • Jim

    I’m not sure but I think the guy who needs to go to confession over this one is the proofreader. : )

  • Benjamin Warren

    I understand that this is satire but sometimes I just think this is not helpful. SSPXers are not only not horrible but are often leftist. At least they are if my only interaction with an SSPX priest is indicative. He strongly disagreed with the statement that JFK was a compulsive womanizer, calling him a model for the presidency. More importantly, your satire deeply alienates SSPXers because they do have a good case (though I think it was rather a scandal for me to briefly visit the SSPX chapel at all) and the bishops since VII have been savages who ignored Church law routinely. Frankly, it is just not that funny. I love EOTT and the Onion but this one is just wrong.

    • David Webb

      Thank you.

      • Benjamin Warren

        Having written that, I condemn the SSPX.

  • Pope Michael

    Finally, someone doing something right in this world.

  • Hotrod1962

    So SSPX hell is like being in an airport VIP lounge? I think the real punishment is having the TV permanently fixed on CNN for eternity.

  • David

    I realize this is satire, but I just wanted to point out that all SSPX priests I have ever confessed to have been very virtuous and holy Priests, and not at all like these negative stereotypes paint them out to be.

  • Jakob Pohlman

    Gotta love those SSPX brethren of ours, eh?