Francis Declares Plane Interviews New Authoritative Form Of Magisterial Teaching

February 18, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Pope Francis gave a press conference on his flight back to Rome Thursday, declaring that all interviews given aboard a plane would henceforth be declared infallible.

“I , the Supreme Pontiff, intend to affirm that all statements made aboard this or any plane I am on will, from this day forward, be considered doctrine, which is to be held definitively for all the people of the Church,” Francis said after delivering a lengthy speech about how “absolutely epic” the street tacos were in Mexico. “Since being on a plane brings us close to 45,000 feet closer to heaven, all that I say will be put forth infallibly by the ordinary and universal magisterium.”

Francis went on to say that, “when, henceforth, I make a pronouncement from the Seat of St. Peter, which will from now on be over in seat A3, every believer will be required to give firm and definitive assent to the truths I proclaim, including the kinda weird things, based on faith in the Holy Spirit’s assistance to the Church’s Magisterium in the sky.”

“If anyone shall say that any dogmas proposed by me at such heights must be given a meaning different from that which I meant, let him not only be anathema, but also let him be made to open the emergency door and to jump. Thereafter, in a show of God’s mercy, we shall toss a parachute out, and let he that was made anathema try to chase it in the air like Special Agent Johnny Utah in Point Break when he jumps out of the plane without a parachute and has to chase down Bodhi so he can use his parachute.”

  • David Poecking

    The heavens declare the glory of G-d; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

  • David W

    Sad thing is, even if people know the press conferences are not ex cathedra, they seem to behave as if they were.

    • Adam Hovey

      Well now since Donald Trump said that he doesn’t have to ask God for forgiveness I tend to believe the Pope is infallibly speaking when he says that Donald Trump is not Christian

      • Sheena-Leader Of-the Fuzzheads

        I tend to wonder where the mercy is when Francis deals with Trump, and why Trump doesn’t get the respect that Francis gives the Castro-brothers.

  • Wildgraywolf

    I wonder if they’ll serve the complimentary nuts before or after the ex cathedra pronouncement. Comming soon: the TSA folks will be able to hear confessions.

  • Monk

    That’s fine … as long as His Holiness has his seatbelt firmly latched and his seat in the upright position.

  • In a sure sign of divine approval, in-flight packets marked “Peanuts” when opened proved to be Wasabi peas.

  • JohnnyVoxx

    “Thereafter, in a show of God’s mercy, we shall toss a parachute out, and let he that was made anathema try to chase it in the air like Special Agent Johnny Utah in Point Break when he jumps out of the plane without a parachute and has to chase down Bodhi so he can use his parachute.” That’s some funny stuff.

  • Deacon Raymond Moon Sr.

    EOTT is getting closer and closer…..you guys are so much better than Wittenberg Door.

  • Patrick Dean

    Pope Francis should do a better job at minding his words . . . something his predecessors undersood far more intuitively than he does.

    • GaryLockhart

      The Pontiff’s behavior torpedoes the myth that the Jesuits are all academics possessing superior intellect. Continually sticking his foot in his mouth by making foolish prudential remarks that contradict the faith exposes him for the none too bright fool that he is. Pray for his conversion and that he keeps his big mouth shut.

      • Heinz

        The bible itself several times, as well as many good people attest that the intelligent will not get the faith, while the foolish do, or that all of our faith is very foolish.
        So even if it were so as you say (Francis not being intelligent), that would not require his “conversion” to any elitist group of academics.
        In that respect a non-academic is what we need, lest we fall into thinking that only the smartest get what God really wants. If we have just a row of theologians as Popes that write well, we might start to think that that is what Popes are for.

  • samton909

    Thank God. This means his on-the-ground stuff. like Laudato Si, naming Cupich an Archbishop, and the Synods can be ignored.

    • Monk

      I guess this is a perfect example of “the hierarchy of truths” (CCC 90)

  • BCSWowbagger

    CORRECTION: Johnny Utah had a parachute after all; Bodhi was just messing around with him, because Johnny knew that Bodhi knew that Johnny knew that he was a serial bank robber and Bodhi wanted to have some fun with his friend BEFORE revealing that he’d kidnapped Johnny girlfriend and was prepared to torture and kill her, which he suspected might put a damper on their friendship.

    Point is, Utah totally had a parachute.

    …saying it aloud, oh MAN that was a weird movie.

  • Jovan Weismiller

    It’s a sad day when I have to check the source to be sure it’s satire and not straight news!

  • Hotrod1962

    Holy Spirit, please help me. I fear my faith is wavering. I have had Mexican street tacos and now their epicness is part of Church dogma. Not all tacos sold on the streets are epic. Jesus never said the falafel in Jerusalem was epic (although he could of). Please, your Holiness, stay away from pizza……that may be the breaking point.

  • Hotrod1962

    Holy Spirit, please help me. I fear my faith is wavering. I have had Mexican street tacos and now their epicness is part of Church dogma. Not all tacos sold on the streets are epic. Jesus never said the falafel in Jerusalem was epic (although he could of). Please, your Holiness, stay away from pizza……that may be the breaking point.

  • wlinden

    So many people, especially in the “news” media, really think this.

  • Father James Dean

    Is the bad grammar infallible also?: “Since being on a plane brings us close to 45,000 feet closer to heaven”

  • ithakavi

    And EOTT used to be satire.

  • Wildgraywolf

    Yes, yes, but what does the mean about the future of commercial airline food?