Breaking: The Remnant Newspaper, National Catholic Reporter To Merge

March 11, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Image: Andrew Hermiz

Image: Andrew Hermiz

The Remnant Newspaper and The National Catholic Reporter announced yesterday that they have entered into a merger agreement to create a new entity called The National Remnant Reporter.

The organization will become the third-largest Catholic reporting organization in North America and the sixth-largest in the world.

As part of the agreement, former Reporter employees will no longer be permitted to write articles that contain more than 95 percent garbage, while Remnant employees will be asked to sign a form acknowledging that Pope Francis is not the Beast as foretold in the Book of Revelation. The USCCB will add an additional $1,000,000 into the new company to make sure the merger goes through.

“We really don’t have the money to spare, but this is a priority and an opportunity we cannot miss,” said USCCB representative Alex Puente. “I mean, how awesome would it be to witness the chaos if this thing actually goes through. That would be the best money we’ve spent in decades.”

Puentes later said in a press release, “By bringing together these two newspapers through this transaction, we are hoping to create a strong platform for Catholic humor for years to come. The combined brands will increase the level of madness in the Church. We have the utmost respect for both companies, and greatly look forward to taking, what has up till now been freaking hilarious combox feuds, to a more face-to-face and personal level, with everything recorded and posted on youtube for everyone’s viewing pleasure.”

  • Alex Smith

    If only… I would pay actual money to watch that YouTube stream!

  • Heather

    I’m pretty sure that this would cause some kind of matter-antimatter reaction. And I also would pay actual money to watch it happen.

    • MrSpock

      Well, time for a Kickstarter page. This absolutely needs to happen.

    • Wildgraywolf

      I’m thinking this would result in a collapse into a singularity.

    • Dankin

      It would be great and extremely effective if the merger works under Times.

  • George Bell

    In a recent piece the Remnant petitioned the pope to step down. I tried commenting on the article that liberals have attempted campaigns like petitioning the pope and bishops for decades in response to the Church’s teachings on marriage, sexuality, and women’s ordination. My comment did not make it passed the Remnant’s moderator.

    • It’s hard! You need to be among the twelve Remaining signed tribes of Namibia to get through.

      • Chris L

        13 tribes, there were 13 tribes. Folks have been kept in the dark about that.

      • Sur Veilled

        Boy, ain’t THAT the truth!

    • Dick Prudlo

      And with good reason.

      • George Bell

        Which reason would be what?

      • Sur Veilled

        What “good reason” would that be, dick?

        • Dick Prudlo

          You can figure that out, no?

          • Sur Veilled

            I’d like to see you say what you mean.

          • George Bell

            I thought Dick was being facetious, but if not, yes, please elaborate, Dick…

    • Bono95

      Yeah, I’m guessing you’re not among the 144,000 who will be taken up in the Rapture while us Vatican II plebs perish. 😉

    • Bono95

      Yeah, it looks like you aren’t among the 144,000 who will be raptured up on eagle’s wings while the rest of us perish from having to attend Mass in English every day.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I can’t wait to see the comic section! I hear Chittister and Weigel are writing “Goofus and Gallant!”

    • Jo Flemings

      you sure you got those in the right order?

      • Jo Flemings

        Oh sorry, my bad, I just get these people and their ‘attitudes’ all confused and stuff….

  • Jo Flemings

    Jesus is coming back…..

    • Jim

      Hmm. How would this new newspaper cover THAT?

      • samton909

        “Jesus, who modern theologians say was not divine, did not have anything to do with the Gospels, and was probably gay, came back yesterday, arriving on a cloud in the sky.
        He immediately shot laser beams from his eyes, destroying the offices of the National Catholic Reporter. He then proceeded to fly directly to the Vatican, where he walked up to Pope Francis and slapped him in the face.

        • Hotrod1962

          From what I have read, Jesus’s ability to shoot lasers from his eyes will make him become the newest member of the Fantastic Five. Not only will he vaporize our current pope, he will install Pope Michael as the next Vicar of Christ. He will then leave us again to help Luke and Hans fight the Galactic Empire.

  • Chris L

    WDJR? What does Jesus read?

    • Adam Hovey

      According to Luke 4:17, Isaiah

      • Jo Flemings

        And I was so sure it was the Wall Street Journal….

  • MonsignorBrokhage

    Duns Scotus meets Bertrand Russell.

  • Hilary White

    In our defence, most Remnant writers don’t think Pope Francis is the antichrist. The jury is still out on his being the “false prophet” mentioned in the same book.

    • Sur Veilled

      “The jury is still out on his being the “false prophet” ”
      It is unlawful, improper, and “the easy way out” to fail to recognize him as Pope, but we can rag and dis him until kingdom come.

      • Jo Flemings

        Hey, we’re Catholic! We eat our own for lunch, sliced and diced and served up nice, right here in the public forum for every and any one’s entertainment…… we’ve come along way since the Colosseum!

    • Dankin

      You’re wise as my pastor that during a confession I told him that I’ve accused the pope a heretic, and he reply to me only one word, “antichrist!”

  • samton909

    First Headline:

    “Sister Joan Chittester Must be Ordained a Priest, then Burnt at the Stake as a Witch”

    • Guest

      Indeed, excellent point.

    • CJ

      samton909
      Oh…, so very funny. Laughed out loud twice, still smiling.

      Thanks

    • Louis Tofari

      This would make a great crowdfunding piece!

    • Frank Hammond

      I would buy the matches and gasoline!

  • Adam Hovey

    Okay, so I MUST say that this is satire. Mainly because I have 666 likes on my disqus account.

    • Jo Flemings

      Adam is the anti Christ!

      • Adam Hovey

        I must respectfully disagree with that assertion. As much as I have been accused of being pure evil I think just have the inclination to do it’s not that I actually am entirely evil

        • Jo Flemings

          Well with 666 likes you probably still need an exorcism…. just saying’-

          • Adam Hovey

            Went to confession yesterday, so I’m good. Well, relatively speaking.

  • Chris Ferrara

    Thanks for the shout out!

    Chris Ferrara
    Remnant columnist

    • Jimmy Wiggins

      Mr Ferrrara:

      Allow me to take this time to say that your (The Remnant’s) hit piece on “Going My Way” is complete and utter quackery. The film does not promote heresy or unorthodoxy in any way, shape, or form, which is why I was not surprised at all that there was nothing substantiating behind the claims that it’s “modernist”other than Bing Crosby’s character uses “unconventional methods” (aka, kindness on a personal level). Why must you attack one of the most beloved Catholic films – a film that, frankly, makes the Catholic faith look extremely attractive? Is it because it presents the Catholic faith with joy and love rather than bitter legalism? I know people who converted to the Catholic faith – the whole Catholic faith – because of that film and the desirable environment it creates. It is extremely difficult to take anyone who reacts with such bitterness to this film seriously.

      Sincerely,

      Jimmy

  • StJnChrysostom

    Spontaneous combustion.

  • Michael Leggett

    Then, imagine this combination acquiring ChurchMilitant.com! Do they rid themselves of Mrs Niles, Mike Voris,, or The Cub Reporters?

  • Louis Tofari

    This was very clever — I laughed throughout the whole satire piece! Kudos!

  • ithakavi

    The new joint editorial board continues the policy of excoriating the New Oxford Review.

  • ithakavi

    Since the results of the merger have produced a ‘lukewarm’ periodical, the editorial board has moved its headquarters to Laodicia.

  • Bono95

    This is hilarious. Those two papers have more in common than they’d like to admit. When you disobey the Pope for any reason, strange things happen.