Local Catholic Frustrated That No Woman On Catholic Match Pure Enough, Hot Enough To Consider

March 15, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Wikicommons

Image: Wikicommons

Explaining the difficulties of finding a pure, near sinless, smoking hot blond on the dating site Catholic Match, local Catholic Devin Porter told friends late last night that he was considering giving up ever marrying.

“It’s sad that we live in a world where a devout and humble guy like me just can’t find the right girl,” said the 35-year-old bachelor, explaining how past relationships have always failed because the women either “had a past” or weren’t drop dead gorgeous. “Most of the time I’ll spot a girl on CM and they’re either not saint-like, or they don’t have that front-cover-of-Cosmo-magazine-physique look.”

“I once talked to a really pious girl on the site and everything was going great for a few months until I noticed one day while we were Skyping that she had this little pimple on her cheek,” Porter went on to say. “Needless to say, that relationship didn’t go anywhere. Thing is, if I’m gonna consider a girl, she needs to be a daily communicant so that she can inspire me to start attending Mass more than just on Christmas and Easter. Now, I do admit that I have a bit  of a promiscuous past, but that’s over with now. Whatever girl I accept has to be able to accept my past. With that said, I won’t consider a girl with a past of her own. That would be imprudent of me. Also, she needs to have that airbrushed look at all times, because I don’t wanna settle. God didn’t create us for mediocrity.”

  • Steve Pokorny

    Welcome to the pornified world, folks.

    • Kevin Symonds

      Steve…this is a web site for satire….

    • Steve Pokorny

      Obviously this is satire, but it’s precisely b/c of our pornified culture that this is happening.

  • ranger01

    Thank God in Heaven I got married when I did, centuries ago in 1990.
    And she is still drop dead gorgeous after six children. :-)). (She is!)

    • Kevin Bano

      She’s not beside you, is she? :))

      • ranger01

        Good one.!

    • ithakavi

      And watching you type.

  • Mom2Teens

    How can a Catholic man be that shallow?

  • Douglas Beaumont

    It is both hilarious and sad that people still can’t figure out that this is a satire website.

    • Raguel

      Being a satire site doesn’t mean it’s good satire.

  • Marie M

    A guy like that OUGHT to be single for life. Sorry bub. Wake up to reality.


      Totally agree..cannot believe this guy would even mention the “drop dead beauty thing’…REALLY???

      • MBB

        You understand that this is satire, right?


          After I read the whole article…looool….It did make anyone stop and think with all the lawlessness going on in the USA!!!

    • VeilOfTiers

      I dunno. Sure wouldn’t want someone like that to become a priest!

  • Jordan Perrault

    Satire website guys. 95% of what goes on here is all jokes and poking fun at everything that is a little weird in the Catholic world


      Thank goodness!!! I was thinking REALLY???Since when did superficial looks become #1 …not !!!

  • Raguel

    Was on that site for 6 months. One girl told me wearing a miraculous medal was “too religious.” We never even got to the traditional latin mass talk. I closed my account after my 6 months was up. That site is garbage, the Catholic dating scene as a whole isn’t much better.

    • Really, cause I met my Traditional Latin Mass husband on there. You can set the search settings to weed out the ones who don’t prefer it. Also, the Latin Mass was the opening line to our conversation, so maybe you are to blame for not taking the conversation there. Also, my now husband and I were on there for a collective total of 3 months before finding each other. He visited a month later and proposed six months after that. We’ll be celebrating our first year of marriage this April. Catholic Match is what you make of it.

      • Raguel

        I would have talked about it it she accepted my invitations to talk on skype again.

        • Quit making excuses for yourself. Life owes you nothing. You want to talk with her again, you’ve got to earn it. What makes you think she didn’t have a good reason to not want to talk to you again? You are this guy in this article. Change your mindset man, quit thinking like this. This is a terrible way to view the world. If you really want to be married to a woman, a good woman, then you need to see them like people not unicorns. A good woman is just a human being who is striving for high ideals and is honest about her progress in every area of her life. If you want a good woman, you need to be a good man. Get a growth mindset. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiiEeMN7vbQ

          • Raguel

            Did you even read what I said in my comment? How am I viewing women as “unicorns” when 90% of all the women I messaged ignore me? I replied to every woman who messaged me regardless of their physical beauty.

            It’s you women who are viewing men as needing to be perfect knights in shining armor. Your comments here prove what I was saying all along. You’re acting like my mom telling me I need to be like this or do that and if I don’t then it’s my fault I’m not perfect.

            You don’t know a thing about me, but like a typical woman you have an opinion and of course everyone needs to be made aware of that opinion. Get back to your kitchen and clean up, while your at it make your husband a sand-which like a good lady.

          • I’m not the only one here making my opinions known, if that’s a uniquely female quality then welcome to the kitchen. I already made my knight in shining armor’s lunch at the crack of dawn before he left to fight dragons like usual. I appreciate that about him. My kitchen is always spotless too. I guess perfection comes naturally to some people. Perhaps, someday, when you become a knight you’ll wrangle yourself a unicorn.

          • KevinToTheHeights

            Don’t waste your energy arguing with this guy. It’s pretty clear he’d rather wallow in his own bitterness than overcome the shortcomings keeping him alone.

          • Questions_Liberals

            Wow, well said. But lacking charity for a perfect spotless woman as you say. I can say this having lived with one who died from cancer and gave her life to loving actions and 10 children rather than criticism of others’ struggles. It is this type of scenario I find disturbing having now found myself back in the “Catholic” dating scene. But congrats on your knight, his sword, your perfection, and clean castle. It sounds like you have a very large moat.

          • KevinToTheHeights

            Your singleness is truly a mystery. After comments like yours, I really have to wonder why no Catholic woman has any interest in you. Yes, it’s sites like Catholic Match that are the problem. Keep fighting the good fight buddy!

      • Raguel

        And don’t kid yourself, most women on that site are just as shallow as the guy in this satirical piece. You’re either too religious, not religious enough. Catholic Match is garbage.

        • KevinToTheHeights

          Nonsense. I met my wife on CM and she is both saintly and beautiful. I was on the site for years before finally meeting her and every previous woman I communicated with or took out on a date was lovely. I’m sure there are some “shallow” ones on there but it is certainly not most. For the record, I am neither wealthy nor particularly good-looking.

          • Raguel

            Not nonsense. You’re married now because your wife picked you out from the herd. It was her choice ultimately not yours. Most women on there are shallow, it’s hard not to be.

        • Raguel, I messaged him first, not that that matters. Who starts the conversation has more to do with social convention than good looks. But everyone can find someone within their own social, religious, and physically-attractiveness spheres in life as well as on dating sites. You sound pretty shallow to me. Don’t act like the reason you messaged her was because she was super religious… obviously you would have been turned off by her lack of appreciation for your holy medals. Perhaps, just perhaps you messaged her because you thought she was good looking, maybe even “out of your league” good looking. Maybe, just maybe, she didn’t want to skype with you again because she found your personality unattractive, not your face or your religious beliefs.

          Get off your high horse and take that chip off your shoulder. Life is what it is. People are attracted to other people for physical as well as spiritual reasons, and a host of other reasons. Marriage is just as much about the physical reality as it is about the spiritual. No one is getting married so that they can pray together… you can pray with anyone without marrying them. The vast majority of people get married to make babies, and that’s a very visceral, physical, and human reality. Don’t dismiss the physical aspects of life just because you worship the spiritual. They are tied to each other.

          Here’s you problem: “Catholic Match is garbage, it’s not what you make of it, it’s ultimately just as much up to chance as life in general is.”

          Life IS what you make of it. You’re making it impossible, so that’s what it is for you. Growth mentality man, get a growth mentality fast.

      • disqus45324hd

        You’ve given me hope. Thx.

    • Monk

      This discussion is getting painful to follow. Or you two are comic geniuses, acting out the scenario in the article. As for me, celibacy never looked so good.

    • disqus45324hd

      I agree with you. When I first went on Match I was getting emails, likes etc., until I said I wanted someone who was courageous enough to follow the lord, and wanting a catholic man. I no longer get emails, likes, etc. and I too feel, maybe I’m supposed to be single. But that isn’t true, what is true is that many have lost their faith want to live their own way. Catholic dating is similiar.

  • Phil Kloc

    NEWSFLASH!: Catholic men like attractive women too! Looks matter! If you’re not physically attracted to your partner then you’re selling yourself short! God made the Female beautiful. There’s a lot of beauty in this world, and there’s nothing wrong with holding out for a woman that gives you the chills when you look at her.

  • Yes, it’s satire. But it’s precisely satire that makes it just plausible enough to be noticed.

    I tried online dating a few years ago, a totally non-sectarian service, and one that didn’t ask a lot of dumb-ass “scientific” questions. Best two-month decision i ever made. Met the great love of my life. Two things helped me. First, I went into it completely devoid of expectations. Second, I didn’t describe what I wanted, but who I was. That’s what anyone reading it would have actually wanted to know. (Duh!) I heard from women who didn’t even think I was their type, but who enjoyed reading it.

    And it worked. It’s possible to meet a traditional Catholic woman who is also smoking hot. Most of them are from the Philippines. But hey, that’s just me. It was my son from a prior union who said it best: “Dad, for a guy like you, you sure found yourself a babe.” He’s right, and I probably don’t deserve her. The only way to meet Mrs Right is to be Mr Right.

    Yeah, maybe that was it.

  • Jim

    In this year of mercy, we should cut the guy some slack; at least he isn’t insisting on a natural blond, the article just says “blond.”

    • Monk

      Oh, but this opens another can of worms. Artificial pigmentation is a premoral evil. Of course, if only her hair dresser knows, Devin would be in the clear. But she really shouldn’t receive communion before making a good confession and resolving not to tint again.

  • samton909

    I find that if you are willing to go over the 300 lb limit, your options open up dramatically.

  • Roseanne Sullivan

    I know a young Catholic man who sounds a bit like that when he is complaining about the women he meets when he is trying to find a wife.

    • Kieren

      They are out there. Maybe just not in his city.

    • Raguel

      Is it to extreme to want not to “make out” while we are courting? We aren’t married, it’s sinful to partake in those kind of passions. Doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to her.

      • Roseanne Sullivan

        I missed this. I agree with not making out without marriage. BTW, my complaining friend recently married a darling young woman who he’d known for a long time. I’m glad that his wishes were not impossible to fulfill.

    • “Too extreme”?

      Wow, hello! We live in a world where aside Most Holy Family Monastery’s female supporters, almost no other lady out there is an actual believer (same issue for males), and you think that your friend is too extreme because he complains about the girls on a dating website?

      No, Roseanne, he’s almost surely too moderate and most probably a modernist himself, in reality.

  • St Donatus

    Yes, this is just close enough to home to see the humor. I see this all the time at my parish. Young men and young women that would be good matches but they have expectations that are too high for who they are. They need to decide, do they really want to be married because marriage is acting out our Christian duty, living a selfless life. If you want to be selfish, don’t get married because you will only hurt yourself and your spouse. That is primarily why we have so many Catholic divorces today. It is all about ourselves but we are afraid to admit it to ourselves. Of course our culture encourages this type of attitude as well.

  • KevinToTheHeights

    Sorry, Devin, I married the last one.

  • Vincent McGovern

    Feeling constantly drawn out by the idea of marriage and the process of dating?


  • David

    The satire is aimed, of course, as a commentary on the reality of things. This is arguably true in regard to the approach that internet “dating” fosters: sifting out people through various qualifications that one can input, then get a listing of all who qualify, and with the hope it will even be someone within one’s zip code!! In other words, it tends to objectify people. Catholic Match also does not seem to be as Catholic a site as it purports to be. As one of many problems, it allows people not free to enter relationships to be doing so, i.e. those still bound in marriage, providing an occasion of sin for them.

  • ithakavi

    He should simply spend a couple of weeks in the Philippines and attend daily mass. He will meet many many lovely intelligent devoted Catholic women who are not coincidentally very beautiful. Computer ‘matching’ is highly overrated.

  • Mr. Graves

    Standard disclaimer: this is satire, yes, but it’s touched a lot of nerves. Recently I watched a documentary about Mormon singles called “From Duck Beach to Eternity.” The “pure vs hot” paradox isn’t just a Catholic one, folks! In fact, it may even be worse in other religions.

  • ESP1138

    A very picky SOB. She want’s a smoking hot devil who is a saint. No such thing exists. I will bet money he is no saint either.

  • Mia

    Seriously? You call yourself a pious and humble man?? When you are only expecting a partner that has to be “physically” beautiful?? And honestly,your being religious is just a front to set up a great image to others But not really practicing it. Come on, you just want a great image for yourself. How is having a pimple a big deal in looking for someone on marriage?

  • roxithefox

    He says he has a past yet he doesn’t want a girl to have a past. He’s deluded. If you want a drop dead gorgeous then you have to be willing to put up with the rest. I don’t think he will ever marry. With that said, he must be perfect since he demands perfection.

  • Mark Gifford

    School and wedding receptions are the best places to meet. Church really doesn’t work, many people seem, to just be concentrating on leaving and nothing else, sorry to say.

  • Mark Gifford

    In addition to schools and wedding receptions to find someone, try different
    things, at different times, or perhaps move to a different city.

  • Julie Ann

    I hear the best dating/marriage prospects can be found in the confession line.

    • Jacob

      This is true everyone in the confession line is trying to grow in holiness.

  • Denise

    Lots of guys on Catholic match were kind enough to tell me what I was doing wrong in attracting men and how I should change. Wasn’t that sweet of them?

  • Carol Horbacz

    I think that you’re setting your standards too high. No one can have that air brushed look all the time. We all have a past. None of us are super saints. Accept the good and bad in all people.