“Well, I’ll Definitely Keep You In My Prayers,” Says Man Who Will Inevitably Forget to Keep You In His Prayers

March 18, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Not long after describing the various trials were going through to an acquaintance, sources are reporting that his promise to keep you in his prayers are completely worthless.

Sources on the scene say that the man in question, Thomas Keating, will not only not pray for you, but really wasn’t even paying that much attention to you as you were speaking to begin with, and therefore, wouldn’t even know what to pray for if he did remember, which of course, he won’t, because he never does.

“At best, Keating will remember you mentioning that you were going through something, and will halfheartedly say ‘Jesus help him,’ to ease his guilt for not praying for you, and that will be that,” the source told EOTT. “Yeah, don’t get your hopes up. He says the same thing to everyone. Our studies have shown that Mr. Keating only actually remembers to pray for 16% of the people that he has promised to pray for, much lower than the national Catholic average of 24%.”

At press time, thank you for reading this post, and please be assured of my prayers.

  • Joseph Vozzo

    “Well, I’ll Definitely Keep You In My Prayers,” Says Passive-Aggressive Atheist

  • Shaun McAfee

    *says man who doesn’t even pray*

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    As an expert in centering prayer, Mr. Keating spends more time contemplating his navel than he does actually praying.

    Now about those 97 Masses you told me you had said for me….

    • Monk

      Or is it “self-centering prayer”?

      • samton909

        Self-centered, actually

  • Adam Hovey

    Okay so I am just going to try that one I told my French Professor that I was going to pray for her after she got involved in a hit-and-run guess what I did? I prayed for her. To be fair,I pray for her anyway. Honestly sometimes when I do my prayers though, I’ll say something along the lines of “and all the people I forgot”.

  • MamaFactotum

    Ouch! Dang it EOTT! Why must you prick my conscience with your satirical ways?! Ouch!
    But, in all seriousness, thank you for that. And to show my gratitude, I’ll say a prayer for you.

    • … Says Mother of all trades except of Prayer

      • MamaFactotum

        Hah! Nice one!

  • Hotrod1962

    My average is 31%, so I guess I’m doing OK……sorry Uncle Pete, I’ll get to you tonight (I hope).

  • Tim Ryland

    Please insert the word “you” in the opening sentence so it makes sense. Oh, and fix the dangling modifier.

  • Ioseph Demergo

    There is an atrocious dangling participle in the first sentence. *cringes*