Church Packed As Fr. Bieber Says First Mass At Our Lady Of Perpetual Crunches

March 31, 2016 by  
Filed under Mass

Image: AdamSundana

Image: AdamSundana

Fr. Justin Bieber cleansed his soul and the souls of thousands of concertgoers turned parishioners over the weekend after turning his concert into a vigil Mass.

The 20-year-old singer and newly ordained Jesuit, who is currently on probation for blessing a photographer in the face, was pictured presiding over Mass Saturday evening in San Diego, where he asked those in the crowd how their day was going, before welcoming them, saying, “The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with all of you.”

Fr. Bieber went on to ad lib most of the Mass, using a blend of the rubrics of the Mass and the rubrics of teen love struggles. At one point after the first reading, Fr. Bieber sang, “How manyI told yous’ and start overs and shoulders have I cried on before? How many promises, be honest Jesus, how many tears I let hit the floor? How many bags I’ve packed, just to have you take me back? Tell me how many either ors, but no more if you let me inside your kingdom, there’ll be one less lonely sinner.”

 Then, after an emotional second reading, Fr. Bieber led the choir in singing his new liturgical song, Baby (Jesus). “You know you love me, I know you care. Just call whenever, and I’ll be there to pray. You are my love, you are my heart. And we would never ever, ever be apart. Jesus, quit playing. I’ve gotta repent, what are you saying? And I was like…Baby, baby, baby Je-sus. Like baby, baby, baby Je-sus. Like baby, baby, baby Je-sus. I thought you’d always be my…my savior.”

The “badboy of the clergy” was dressed in white vestments for the Mass, with the sleeves cut off to the shoulders. During his homily Fr. Bieber spoke of a true, authentic relationship with Jesus that relied not on material goods, but filled with love and confidence in the Lord, and walking with “swag” in his footsteps.

“Swag swag swag, on you,” Fr. Bieber sang from the pulpit. “Chillin’ by the fires of Gahanna while we eatin’ fondue. I dunno about you, but I know about me. I ain’t getting near the forbidden fruit, so say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag. I’d like to be everything you want. Hey Jesus, let me talk to you. If I was your disciple, I’d never Judas you. Keep you in my heart Jesus, you’d never be alone in the tabernacle. I can be a saint, anything you want. If I was your disciple, I’d never let you go.”

  • Adam Hovey

    I’m just going to say it before someone else makes a comment this is satire

    • I hate this site. Why are they picking on Mother Teresa. And making fun of the role model of millions and millions of teenagers. Is this Christ-like?

    • Richardson McPhillips


      • Monk

        Oh, this is not beyond the realm of possibility, Br. Richardson.
        Forty, fifty years ago we experienced an onslaught of singing clergy in the form of the monks of Weston Priory and the St. Louis Jesuits and others. They were too groovy by half with their folk/blues renditions of Scriptural and liturgical texts. Especially with modern audio and lighting in our churches, the stage is literally set for the likes of Fr. Bieber.

        • Casper

          So worth clicking on “see more” – – to see the individual photos…

        • Richardson McPhillips

          No, I meant “why does Adam Hovey think Adam Hovey needs to say this is satire?”

          • Monk

            Ah, there is a sizable portion of the Catholic population that is so theologically illiterate and dense that – sans Adam’s disclosure – most of these EOTT pieces actually do draw comments wondering, “Seriously?”

  • MrSpock

    Well, he sounds remarkably sane for a Jesuit.

    • ithakavi

      And certainly more orthodox than most Jesuits.

  • FatherWagner

    He should teach liturgy at the Gregorian.

    • Mr. Graves

      Or he could teach theology at Georgetown.

  • VeilOfTiers

    Novus Ordo Mass, right?

    • Adam Hovey

      No I hate to tell you this but Justin Bieber is a Chaldean Catholic

      • VeilOfTiers

        Oh, I guess that’s why I didn’t recognize the vestments. Thanks!

        • Chalde… what…? is not that an ultra traditional sect of Klingons?
          Nice deep-space-zero vestments by the way!

  • Stuck in the Vortex

    Interesting that Father didn’t give a rendition of his more recent hits, including “Love your neighbour as you love yourself”, or “Heartily Sorry (for having offended thee)”

  • adrian7985

    kkkkk remarkably sane for a jesuit.. lol

  • samton909

    Dome – a – neeka neeka neeka

    While I sing of Dominique

    • Adam Hovey

      That was the one that committed suicide, no? That is really sad.

  • Wildgraywolf

    Fortunately, Fr. Bieber managed to keep his vestments on during the entire service instead of romping naked in the baptismal font like he did at the Easter vigil.

  • ithakavi

    This must be the Nervous Ordo Mass that all the Millennials are raving about.