Francis Found Weeping In Vatican Men’s Restroom After Learning Of Bad Amoris Laetitia Reviews

April 13, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Wikicommons

Image: Wikicommons

Sources confirmed Thursday that Pope Francis was found crawled up in a little ball weeping in the men’s restroom in the Vatican after learning that a number of Catholic bloggers had given his document Amoris Laetitia bad reviews.

“I know that they say you can’t please everyone, but sometimes I just feel like I can’t please anyone,” a depressed and sniffling Francis said as he wrapped his arms around his knees and rocked back and forth on the restroom floor. “Just to think, a guy named Kevin from New Jersey tweeted that I was a heretic. He got 5 likes and two shares. Imagine what’ll happen to my reputation if those two people get shares of their own? It’ll all snowball and people will find out who I really am. They’ll find out that I’m not really a Catholic…that I’m an imposter set upon the destruction of the Church. I’ll be the laughingstock of all my Freemason friends.”

After close to an hour in the restroom, Francis blew his nose and emerged with several Cardinals consoling him.

“He’s so sensitive, poor guy,” one Vatican official told EOTT. “He just wants to be liked. He needs to feel appreciated. Don’t get me wrong, his number one priority is his relationship with Christ, but being accepted by bloggers and Catholics on social media is a very close second.”

At press time, Francis has found new confidence after a pep talk by close friends, and is now furiously commenting on all negative Amoris Laetitia comments on Facebook under the handle, PapaLove266.

  • kgh111861

    Brilliant!

  • chezami

    Live forever, EOTT!

    • Julian Barkin

      Oh my gosh MARK SHEA! you’re Alive!!!! Come back to the blogosphere please!!!!!!

  • Monk

    I expected a story more along the lines of Francis taking executive action over the objections of the larger Magisterium.

  • Adam Hovey

    I like you, Papa Francesco :'(

  • Patrick O’Brien

    When my grandson was kissed by Pope Francis a year ago, I just had to tell people that the next day my daughter took him to see Benedict XVI, who kissed the same spot. I’m sorry, Pope Francis — that was not a very nice thing for me to say. (Of course, when Benedict kissed that same spot on his forehead, the bleeding stopped and the scar went away.)

  • PapaLove266

    I think Amoris Laetitia is the finest exhortation ever written. This Pope Francis fellow is sharp as a tack. He’s one of the finest Popes ever, really. Personally, I think the arch-conservative borderline sedevacantists should just shut their cakeholes, but who am I to judge?

    • wiffle

      NIce. 🙂

    • Laura Paxton

      You’re not.

    • I am Judge Dredd!
      Moi Est Lex!
      Gaze on me and despair!

    • Kim Bo

      But…we won’t. 🙂

      Seattle sedevacantist

  • PapaLove266

    Guys, just so you know, nothing in this article is real, or has any semblance to reality whatsoever

    • Nothing real? Fie on thee! A plague on thy wit!
      You mean to say, he was in the female restroom, in the Vatican?

    • PapaLove266

      Hey there good lookin’. Just dropping by to compliment that fine-lookin user name you’ve got there

    • ithakavi

      Are you trying to tell me that Francis never cries in the bathroom? Really?

  • Kim Bo

    Thanks for the laugh, EOTT!

    Sedevacantist in Seattle

  • Wildgraywolf

    I sniffled in sympathy.

  • Quid

    A seemingly overlooked footnote (#876, if memory serves) in Amoris Laetitia actually does away with “men’s” and “women’s” rest rooms altogether throughout the Vatican, in favor gender-neutral bathrooms. But apparently the footnote has not yet been implemented. I am told by reliable sources that several trans-gender members of the Swiss Guard lobbied the pope quite strenuously for this change in Catholic public restroom etiquette.

  • ithakavi

    The Exhortation would have been more appropriately named Prolixitus Verbosius Excretum Maximus.