Francis Retires From Game Of Papacy After Twenty Illustrious Liturgical Seasons

April 14, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Andrew Hermiz

Image: Andrew Hermiz

Pope Francis, the man who helped the Church win hundreds of thousands of converts over a 20-liturgical-year career, announced Sunday that he will retire after this liturgical season, writing “this Easter is all I have left to give.”

Francis addressed the media after this week’s loss to Islam, a humiliating defeat for the Christians after Muslims handily defeated Catholics in number of children born, saying that he made his decision “a while ago.”

“I’ve known for a while,” Francis said. “A decision like this, you can’t make that decision based on outside circumstances, so finally I’ve decided to accept that I can’t actually do this anymore, and I’m OK with that. It takes a weight off my shoulders and everybody else’s, especially those trying to defend nearly everything I say or write.”

Vatican Preacher to the Papal Household Raniero Cantalamessa, speaking before Wednesday’s General Audience, emphasized that the star pope’s “purpose is to finish out this liturgical season and pray.”

“I think he still loves the Church,” Cantalamessa told reporters. “He still has a passion for it. He’s still a spiritually competitive man.”

Cantalamessa said he was “shocked” when Francis informed him last Saturday night that he was going to announce his retirement the following day.

“He kind of shocked me when he told me,” Cantalamessa said. “I’m just sad more than anything. Somebody who I truly care about, have a lot of respect for. I think it’s always hard when greatness like Francis decides to hang it up.”

Francis’ decision is not totally unexpected, given that he has said many times in recent weeks that he has considered making this liturgical season his last. After one encyclical, a post-synodal document, and numerous impromptu plane interviews, Francis’ career is officially winding down.

“With his relentless work ethic, Pope Francis is one of the greatest popes in the history of our Church,” Vatican commissioner Arnold Silver said in a statement. “Whether honing his homily skills or practicing his thurible swings after midnight in an empty Vatican gym, Francis has an unconditional love for the Church, and we will never forget him.”

At press time, Vatican officials have announced plans to retire the name “Francis” in a ceremony next month.

  • samton909

    Steve Skojec, upon hearing the news, raised his fists in the air and shouted “Now they HAVE to give me the job!”

  • David W

    Wonder how many people saw the headline and thought he was really retiring

    • Grumpy Young Man

      Had my hopes up for a second… 😉

      • Adam Hovey

        Heretic

        • Grumpy Young Man

          So do you not know how to have fun on the web, or are you just playing along with me?

          • Fun? what fun? Everyone is literally burning a candle waiting for this poisoner of the sheep to get shot or step down.
            Adam Hovey was converted by the kiss of pope francis, so I can understand his sentimental attachment to the tassels of the man in white. When Adam stops hiding behind a tree, from God, and awake to real doctrine, then he will understand your fun…

          • Grumpy Young Man

            Well that’s too bad. I just come here to laugh a little bit, was hoping his comment was tongue-in-cheek.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    I just saw him at the Bar del Fico having drinks with Brett Favre. He’ll be back by Advent.

    • PapaLove266

      8 months later..
      This just in: Pope Francis caught sending unsolicited pictures of the Blessed Sacrament to Vatican reporter. Leaked online audio of a voicemail this reporter received, allegedly from Francis, features a person who sounds like the Holy Father reciting the Salve Regina

  • Manuel Buen Abad Najar

    :… practicing his thurible swings after midnight in an empty Vatican gym …” is probably one of the best lines in the history of the English language.

    • Casper

      Seems unlikely for him to be practicing thurible swings though. Seems more like a “burning bowl of incense” kind of guy…

  • False advertisement, bad EOTT, very bad.
    Had us singing: Gaudete, gaudete!!! Non habemus papam!!!!

    • Adam Hovey

      1) your Latin sucks, 2) yes we do

  • Monk

    I suppose he will found the Francis Foundation and embark on a lucrative speaking circuit. Maybe he will even partner with a former President Obama to promote Climate Change propaganda.
    Did I just say all that?

    • If they partner, who will wash the other’s feet?

    • Sr. Mary Brigid

      Or, open a car dealership.

      • wiffle

        He can come back and help manage the next Papacy in a sharp looking suit.

      • Better a Realtor; his I-don’t-kia attitude would make him a bad car salespope.
        But he’ll sure be a hit in project housing.

  • Viterbo Fangirl

    *browses through comments*

    • Cody Byers

      I think at some point we need to have a Pope Francis Bingo card.

  • Hotrod1962

    Can’t wait to go to Rome and be there for the installation of Pope Donald I. The first two things he promised to do is start fracking on Vatican
    grounds and starting the 9th crusades.

  • ithakavi

    He may try a second career as an Argentine game show host: ‘Guess My Heterodoxy.’

    Francis likes to talk of the ‘God of Surprises.’ I think he really means the God of Astonishment.