Breaking: Man In Church Still Hasn’t Taken Off Hat

May 5, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

After reporting that an unidentified man entered St. Monica Catholic Church for Mass this morning without taking off his hat, parishioners announced 10 minutes later that the man has yet to remove it.

“We’re currently looking into the situation to discover the motive for the irreverence,” said head usher Donny Casey, adding that, though he first believed the man to be a Protestant who was simply unaware of Mass etiquette, that he has been forced to scratch that excuse off his list after seeing the man cross himself.

“At approximately 10 minutes after Mass began, several parishioners witnessed the man cross himself, clearly indicating that he was not only Catholic, but clearly aware that the hat was still on his head,” Casey said. “We ask all parishioners to stay away from the unidentified man, as we believe he might be unstable.”

One parishioner, Margaret Grant, who has not been able to focus on the Mass since the man entered the Church, claims that the man must be some sort of “anti-Catholic or Satanist mocking the Church,” and should be denied communion.

“Wait, is it Robbie, Cheryl’s grandson?” Grant asked 10 minutes later. “Well, yes it is! It’s just Robbie from down the street. It’s just Robbie, everyone. Yup, he just has a very, very bad skin disease, praise God Almighty.”

At press time, everyone has turned to look at a fragile 94-year-old man who has yet to remove his beanie.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    I didn’t even notice…I’m too gobsmacked that the woman at the end of the pew STILL has the kneeler down, and we’re already in that responsorial thing.

    • Monk

      It’s true that vigorous kneeler action is a sure barometer of devotional intensity. In fact, I am inspired by the Kneeler Droppers for their perpetual mindfulness of our Lord’s Passion, a la the Tenebrae service*.
      *The strepitus (Latin for “great noise”), made by slamming a book shut, banging a hymnal or breviary against the pew, or stomping on the floor, symbolizes the earthquake that followed Christ’s death …

      • PJParks

        I am always thankful for the Kneeler puteruppers when they use their foot. Nothing like having the wind knocked out of you to remind you of how fragile life is.

  • Vince M Sr

    Hat? What about that Franciscan Priest who is wearing sandals while saying Mass? He could at least put socks on so we didn’t have to look at his bare toes!

  • If the person is unidentified or unidentifiable, ‘rule of thumb’: never guess the gender of another person – even in Church.

  • samton909

    Um, I hate to tell you this – but that man with a hat is the priest, and the “hat” is called a Biretta.

  • VeilOfTiers

    When I first saw the picture, before I read the headline, I thought it was a drawing of the proposed new cathedral…

  • Jim

    I guess he’s putting the “man” in “mantilla.”

  • JabbaPapa

    I hope his scalp isn’t getting too itchy for a proper Sacramental and Congregational disposition.