Pope Francis Accidentally Misplaces Keys To The Kingdom Of Heaven

May 11, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Andrew Hermiz

Image: Andrew Hermiz


Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them right there on top of the cabinet beside his bed, Pope Francis is reportedly frantically tearing up his apartment in search of his pair of keys to the Kingdom of Heaven that he misplaced sometime this afternoon.

“Oh, come on, Francis, you always do this!” an angry Francis berated himself as he tossed sheets to the floor, looked inside his freezer, and in the inside pockets of all of his vestments.  “Great, now you’re gonna be late for the General Audience. Ok, don’t panic. Just retrace your steps. You came home from Krav Maga, opened the door, threw the gym bag to the floor, and then went to shower. Where the heck did I put the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven? Man, today’s Purgatory transfers to Heaven are gonna be pissed when they find out they’re locked out.”

After looking for the keys for more than an hour, Francis reportedly made a call to Pope Emeritus Benedict, with whom he had breakfast before Krav Maga, to check whether or not he might’ve forgotten them with him.

“Nope, not with him,” Francis told EOTT after hanging up the phone. “Benedict hasn’t seen them since 2013. Pope Michael called ten minutes ago claiming he had them, but he’s just insane. Well, I suppose I’ll check beneath the bed for the twentieth time.

  • observant cat

    He should talk to that Anthony guy, he’s good at finding stuff.

  • He left them with Kasper who has been running around opening back doors like a madman who can’t believe his unbelievable good luck.

    • Oh, so those keys double up as supreme master keys? nice!

  • catholicchristian

    Late update: Major Archbishop Sviatoslav Shevchuk, head of the Ukrainian Greco-Catholic Church, called the Pope late today, saying that he found an envelope addressed, “Patriarch Sviatoslav,” in what he referred to as “an angelic hand.” The envelope contained the missing keys, which he immediately sent via messenger to the Pope.

    Due to political concerns with the Russian Orthodox Church, the head of UGCC, the second-largest Catholic Church, is denied the title “Patriarch” by Rome, even though many smaller Catholic Churches are permitted by Rome to use that title for the head of their Church. The UGCC faithful commonly refer to Shevchuk as “Patriarch” nonetheless.

    • CumExApostolatus


  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    They’re probably laying right next to the Deposit of Faith. But it seems pretty hard to find that, lately, too.

    • The many dangers of organising an open-house or in-house auction! – stuff just plain disappears.

      • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas


    • J J

      Ouch! Sr. Mary for the win!

    • Hotrod1962

      Yeah, but also on the key chain with the keys to the kingdom of heaven was also the key to the night deposit of faith.

      Ironically, Augustine predicted this would happen in his The City of God.
      Francis should of invested in one of those Holy Clapper Key Chains.

    • Ursula

      Oh now THAT is a good one, Sister! And it would be the funniest thing I had heard all year, if it weren’t so close to the truth. Still, it did make me laugh out loud.

  • Edward B. Connolly

    Has he checked with the Prophet in Salt Lake City? He has sticky fingers. Stranger things have happened!

  • Cminor

    Hey, Andrew? You got his hands backwards.

    • Very badly done picture to say the least. It had me turning all over the place trying to figure out perspective and relational depth … I finally gave up and concluded that the man depicted was creeping out of a coffin …and had not enough time to rearrange his body parts. Talk of anatomical ecumenism!

      • camper

        also, nice to know the pope sleeps in a futon. Now that’s humble!

        • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

          I imagine a Pythonesque “plink” as the zucchetto hits the floorboards and rolls around collecting dusty bunnies.

  • Are not the keys in question attached to those of the other equally precious keys to the KIA?

  • Gail Finke

    Did he check under the Chair of Peter?

  • CumExApostolatus

    They can’t have fallen into the tiara since that was disposed of years ago. Maybe they fell into one of those red shoes and were tossed out months ago? Was this his spare set you’re reporting on?

  • AuthenticBioethics

    I hope he hasn’t been pick-pocketed – with the keys now on their way to, say, Mecca! It was bad enough when Martin Luther claimed he had found them in Wittenburg and everyone believed him.

    • Richard Mondak

      Apparently, Marty L. didn’t have the keys to the church, or heaven or the Clerical washroom either.
      He had to nail his erstwhile “Resignation” to the Cathedral door.

  • R E Calcitrant

    Rumor has it that the pope has an explosive temper.

  • bradlee sargent

    Be careful the Orthodox don’t get a hold of them, they’ll go ahead and change the locks…

  • This is the scariest news I’ve read today. Why aren’t the mainstream media picking it up?

  • I found them. They were in his other cassock.

    • pat

      he has more than one? Such extravagance.

  • PJParks


  • Smokey

    wow, he sure made a huge mistake!