Jesus Assumes New Role As Savior Emeritus After Catholic Blogger Takes Over Task Of Saving Church From Francis

May 24, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign.

The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office.

“We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council that He’s no longer up to the task,” roommate and spokesman for Robison, Clyde Barnes, told the press. “A whole series of bad appointments, providential allowances of culture decline, and disastrous permissions of evil have convinced us that we need a fresh approach at the very top level. He’s, frankly, been a big disappointment since Vatican II and, though we respect Jesus’ many contributions to Church history, we just think it’s time for him to be put out to pasture and let a more steady hand take the wheel.”

Barnes went on to say that Robison’s first order of business as savior would be to guide Pope Francis into early retirement where he would “be free to speak off-the-cuff to himself all he wanted without any repercussions,”  and that this decision would “inevitably usher in a new age of orthodoxy once he had been replaced by Cardinal Burke.”

At press time, Robison has announced that Jesus will henceforth go by the title Jesus Emeritus Christ, and that he will remain in Paradise to live out an eternal life of contemplation.

  • Brian Biggerstaff

    Very ignorant post indeed. Now take your heretical ass to confession.

    • Lane Whitten

      This is a non satire humor page. This is not a REAL news source. And it was a joke what they are saying.

      • RuariJM

        But it makes it even funnier, doesn’t it??

    • AreAy

      Hey, HEY…language. Now you go to confession. You big, bearded bully.

    • Mark

      It’s a joke you dip

      • A joke that will lead many South of the direction of Holiness.

        • Dan C

          This will identify the sinful radioactivity of the viewpoints of folks like you.

        • OLF Youth Group

          You want to talk about “lead[ing] many South of the direction of Holiness”? How about an ultra-orthodox, nostalgic-for-pre-Vatican-II, reactionary poster who used the phrase “Novus Ordo filth” in a recent post about the Liturgy. Please explain to me how that is NOT profaning the very Holy Name of Our Lord?

          • What has Novus Ordo got to do with anything concerning Our Lord or His Holy Name? Do they not profane God in their liturgy, daily?
            What is your meaning?

          • OLF Youth Group

            You prove my point, friend, sadly. The Liturgy– Novus Ordo or extraordinary– is the making present of Christ Himself. If you consider the ordinary form a “profaning” of God, I might remind you that this is the form through which 99.9% of the faithful encounter Christ each day, and the only form many very faithful, fervent Catholics know. Like it or not, the Novus Ordo is the primary Liturgical form through which the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ Himself is made present and accessible to His people, and when you condemn this miraculous encounter with Christ as “filth” you logically apply this term to He Whom is present in the Eucharist. I hope this clarifies my point.

            Further, if the Tridentine is the only liturgical form worthy of God (as so many ultra-traditionalists seem to believe), what of the millions of Masses said to the glory of God before 1570? Were they invalid, profane “filth” as well?

          • What existed before the Tridentine Mass, if the same was worthy of God then it is highly laudable The Church is organic after all. Novus Ordo sort to destroy this organic life. So, our argument is with what comes after the Tridentine Mass (which was traditional and is Traditional), with what broke Tradition.

            It will behoove you not to play with numbers. At some point in History, a majority of the members of the human tribe was headed to Hell, if not all. Then Christ came – in potentiality and actuality. Ask Lot, he’ll tell you how humans behave. Ask Noah, he too has a revealing tale.

            So I ask you, if the Satanic Mass/Service got in a mad Priest to consecrate for them, and this same deadly Service became norm for 99.999% of ‘Catholics’ – that would give you sufficient impetus to abandon reason and join them? The Body and Blood and Divinity of Christ are made present (if the Mass is valid at all – no thanks to Novus Ordo mad practices, invalidity has crept in) – only to be profaned.

            Now, let’s think of joining the Roman soldiers (God forbid!) in scourging our Lord. Christ was present there – what a state-of-being miracle! – but they beat Him, and killed Him. Did He escape? He is ever present where He is consecratedly called. That how He is!

            The more woe then to Judas who gives the profaning kiss, the more woe then to the Priest who consecrates vilely, the more woe then to parishioners who permit themselves to be poisoned.

            The same “Bread”: one eats and is regenerated, the other eats and dies of blistering sickness.

            As for your claim: …the faithful encounter Christ each day, and the only form many very faithful, fervent Catholics know.

            You mean 99.9% of the ~100,000 remaining Catholics? You mean, many very faithful, fervent Catholics of the remaining handful of people still truly Catholic (but under the Novus Ordo charm)?

            Friend! the recent ‘Popes’ with their Council and Theology and Mass have been leading the whole lot to the slaughter. Only now, God is giving us respite by making this demonic plot much more obvious with ‘pope’ Francis. The Best Churches are being sold or closed down. The Seminaries are drying up … please catch some glimpse of this drought going on here, please and please.

            Peace!

          • chezami

            You blaspheme Christ in the Eucharist in your black satanic pride.

          • OLF Youth Group

            Oh dear, my brother Leofec, you seem genuine in your fervor but small in your faith. I happen to trust in the Magisterium and the sensus fidei, because I trust in Christ’s words that “the powers of hell shall not prevail.”

            I don’t presume to know your mind, but may I suggest you examine some of the thoughts you’ve expressed regarding the Mass? To believe that the Tridentine form is “worthy of God” while the ordinary form is not seems to me to carry with it the sin of pride, a lack of faith in the greatness of God, or perhaps both. Honestly, as far as ANY Mass being “worthy of God,” it’s got to be neither or both– or perhaps neither AND both. What form of re=presentation of Christ’s own Paschal sacrifice can possibly be “worthy” next to the supreme, unfathomable love shown to mankind through the Incarnation and the Paschal Mystery? One form of Liturgy being “holier” than the other is akin to saying my puddle is 2 ounces larger than your puddle, and is thus closer to replicating the ocean. It was only through God’s infinite love and mercy– not through any merit on our part– that He humbled himself to become man and die for your sins and mine. And so it follows that NO Liturgical action on our part can be worthy of God, Tridentine or otherwise. It is only through that same infinite ocean of mercy and love for us in our frailty and weakness that He consents to make Himself present at ANY Mass, so I have to believe that it would be a very small god indeed who would place the particulars of the Liturgical form over the love and faith of His people.

            You may be unaware of this, but globally the Catholic Church is GROWING, not shrinking. If we are having trouble filling the pews in Catholic Churches in America, I would humbly ask you to consider the possibility that this trend may have more to do with the self-centered direction of our society than with the details of Liturgical form.

            I am as much an enemy of REAL liturgical abuses as anyone, but I do trust in Christ Jesus, and in His Mystical Body on Earth whose God-given authority is exercised through the Magisterium. If you do not trust the Mystical Body of Christ, and His vicar who leads it, you are essentially willfully refusing to trust Christ Himself. I will pray, brother, that you can break free from what appears to be a bitter legalism stifling the incredible Good News of Salvation from blossoming in your heart. There are many beautiful parts of the Gospels in which Christ ministers to well-meaning Pharisees suffering similar struggles as yours, I encourage you to read them, and prayerfully.

            May the peace of Christ be with you, my friend.

          • Tiffany11

            This is the best response to “the Tridentine is the only valid form of the Mass” that I’ve ever read. Thank you, and well done.

          • Rick Gutleber

            Well said, OLF. While I would also, like Leofec, prefer a return to the Tridentine Mass, I do not believe that the Church against which the gates of Hell cannot prevail would adopt an invalid Mass.

          • kmbold

            Most important: Your pronouns need work. “…to He Whom is present” is twice wrong. Correct: ” …to Him who is present”. As an aside, I just attended a Tridentine Mass. It was glorious. The music! The vestments! The Latin! The obvious sacredness. Nothing ordinary about it.

          • chezami

            The Greatest Catholics of All Time like Leofec routinely blaspheme Christ in the Eucharist over their petty aesthetic demands and profound Pharisaic pride.

    • Sigroli

      It seems to me that Biggerstaff is also Smallerbrain…

    • observant cat

      Are you being satirical? Precious boy, well done!

    • VeilOfTiers

      How dare you!

      My donkey is not a heretic!

  • KJL

    We have been suffering in our wait, but we rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and characters produce EOTT, and EOTT does not disappoint.

  • samton909

    Our Blogger, who art in heaven
    Hallowed be thy site visits.
    Thy outrage come, thy bile be spun
    On the internet as it is in heaven
    Give us this day our daily phlegm
    And forgive us our…moderation
    Lead us not into Vatican II
    But remind us that all recent Popes are illegitimate
    That is, all except you.

    Amen.

    • The Prayer of Jesus Himself has now be coined to laughter – I say Vatican II has triumphed indeed. Out of anger and despair-turned-satire we sin desperately!

      • chezami

        Making fun of the egos of Reactionary bloggers is not blasphemy. Assuming an identification between them and God the Father, however, is a pretty close approximation of blasphemy. It’s not All About You.

        • Paolo Pagliaro

          Illuminati like you are, instead, granted divine power to judge other people without even rising a concrete argument – just put a nice adjective, like “reactionary”, in front of the category name… et voilà!

          • Pope Michael

            When my congregation reaches at least 1,000 people I will give you a shoutout at my first public address. We must join together in this fight against the illuminati.

          • Adam Hovey

            You honestly think Mark Shea is Illuminati? Okay, now I’ve read everything. Guess I’ll go sell all my freemason books.

      • Pope Michael

        Thank you sir, for standing up for the rights of pre-vatican II catholics. Please know that my entire village as well as my mother are in complete favor of this harsh trollish mentality. I will tell my bishops at the sawmill to put their complete support behind you. Ex Parces Salvum Magnitudem! Or something like that. I failed Latin.

    • YoungbloodSavage

      For the blogoshere, the megahertz, and the flatscreen monitor illumination are yours, now and forever. Amen.

    • Catholicon

      Since your timing is off and your philosophy’s a wee-bit mega deluded….meh!

  • This post will lead many to sin.

    • chezami

      Turns out laughing at the gigantic egos of Reactionaries is not blasphemy.

      • I’d wonder if Pilate’s excuse on Judgement Day was: I was just kidding; oh it was satire …

        • Freakshow26

          You make me feel better about my illogical rantings, and that says a lot

        • chezami

          Still not getting it. Making fun of the gigantic ego of the Reactionary Francis hater is not making fun of God–except to the gigantic ego of the Reactionary Francis hater who can’t tell the difference between himself and God.

          • Oh I get it. But I say, drag the dirty ‘pope’ down but leave our Creator out of it. See the fine line I am getting at?

          • chezami

            Your hubris is breathtaking in its unselfawareness.

        • chezami

          Reactionaries who spend all their time spitting on the Holy Father and calling him an enemy of the faith, or mocking a council of Holy Church, or spitting in the faces of canonized saints like JPII and John23 really are in no position to whine about sacrilege.

          • Netmilsmom

            Well The Holy Father and his band of merry men make it pretty easy.
            I should take on that gig!

          • FultonSheen

            All the way in Lagos Nigeria, this woman is clapping for you! A standing ovation!! I was raised in England, but moved back to my country of origin. I read a lot of Western Catholic newspapers and blogs etc online. I am amazed at the sheer audacity of some of the comments against Pope Francis, and JPII. It’s as though they have forgotten that The Holy Spirit is always in charge.
            Anyway, back to reading the delicious satire of this blog. Only just discovered it today. The comments are funnier than some of the articles!

          • Adam Hovey

            Chezami (you work for a friend? That’s what your name implies) Chez-ami. A male friend at that. These folks are free to have their opinions, but even Jesus had a sense of humour. Look at how he would talk to the Pharisees at times. I am sure some of the apostles giggled, just a little.

      • Adam Hovey

        Come on even God has a sense of humour, just look at the Platypus.

  • Hotrod1962

    Rumor has it that God the Father is disappointed with his son and the Holy Spirit is somewhat pissed. I think pope Francis was the last straw.

    • Humour and satire are good … but watch out how we drag the Most Holy Undivided and Divine Trinity (the highest of our Catholic Doctrine) into our petty laughables.

      • Sarah B.

        Chill dude. It’s SATIRE. Not meant literally. Also if you are calling popes evil and putting “pope” in quotes, I don’t think you will get any EOTT fans to agree with you on much of anything. That’s actually being schismatic.

  • YoungbloodSavage

    Bran’s just jockeying for nomination to replace the Holy Spirit, You know, in case a vacancy should occur. Or maybe he’s planning another coup like the one Nicholas is trying to pull off. Replace the dove with the Big Bearded Bully. I’m not sure Mom and Dad are going to put up with any of this.

  • Montenegro

    Careful: Steve Skojec will block you for your insolence!

    • Netmilsmom

      It takes a lot to get a block from Skojec.

      • Sarah B.

        Doesn’t take much to get deleted.

        • Netmilsmom

          It takes, abuse of another poster or schismatic talk.
          Been there since the beginning and that’s how it is.

          • Sarah B.

            Not this time. I’m not abusive or schismatic.

          • Sarah B.

            Go see the latest and how every single comment agrees with him. Don’t you find that odd?

          • Netmilsmom

            Nope, not at all.
            He is moderating alone and is a man with a wife and six kids. If you haven’t gone to him about having posts removed, then you actually don’t know why they were.
            But things get heated in the combox there. If you were tossed, perhaps you should consider bringing it down a notch.

          • Netmilsmom

            I didn’t say schismatic. I said schismatic talk. And that’s about it.
            So if you were deleted, did you take it to him? Could have been he deleted the wrong response. Things happen. He does it alone over there.

          • Sarah B.

            It happened about 5 times in a row. It was no mistake.

          • Sarah B.

            Oh and my talk wasn’t schismatic at all either. I figured you were referring to my words. That’s what I was talking about.

  • VeilOfTiers

    As this heated discussion demonstrates and a blogger on another blog so aptly put it:

    The people who had not the faith are outing themselves; the people who have the faith are finding each other.

  • Guy McClung

    I am assuming Nicholas identifies as male. Can one who identifies as female become “savior” after the reign of Nicholas? Which brings up the question of God Emeritus Father . Will we see God The Mama?

  • Monk

    This Nicholas Robison seems like one of those activist investors pushing his way onto the corporate board. As a shareholder, I’m concerned.

  • Maferick

    Maybe this would have been a better post for the weekend of Christ the King?

  • Catholicon

    bah bah lost sheep….

  • Wildgraywolf

    The comments are hilarious.