Priest On Cell Crawling Beneath Pews During Mass Trying To Catch Pokemon Creatures

July 12, 2016 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local priest Father John Ross is being accused of delaying Mass for up to an hour Sunday morning after pausing during the middle of The Presentation of the Gifts to catch a Pikachu, several parishioners have reported.

Ross admitted to the diocesan officials that he was playing the newly released Pokemon Go app while saying the Mass.

“Fr. Ross has admitted to simultaneously saying Mass while trying to catch a Kipachu or Pikachu or whatever,” one official told EOTT early this morning. “It appears as though Fr. Ross located a Pikachu on top of a parishioner’s head, which he was able to retrieve during the Entrance. During the Penitential Act, Fr. Ross made his way down the main aisle and beneath several pews where he is said to have successfully hunted down a Charmander.”

Ross told EOTT that, although he was sorry for his actions, he wished people would understand that he can do two things at one.

“Listen, I’ve been saying Mass a long time. I can say it in my sleep. In my opinion, if I’m just sitting there during the first or second readings and happen to spot a Kadabra or a Dragonite, you better bet your bottom tithing dollar that I’m gonna try and catch it.”

Ross went on to say that his motto for playing Pokemon during Mass was “Catch them all, save them all.”

“There’s absolutely no reason I can’t save souls while catching and training Pokemon to battle for sport. I do admit that at one point after Mass I kinda sorta mixed it up and told a Pikachu that he ought to trust in God more then proceeded to accidentally capture an 80-year-old usher. That was my fault, I am sorry for that. In my defense, he kinda looks like a Groudon.”




  • Maferick

    Ouch! That article hurt!

  • Marie Van Gompel Alsbergas

    Ivy League that Ash we Ketchum, we can convert our PokeDex to include D-R verses along with energy points and other skills.

    We could encourage our children to “Level Up” or “Evolve” from from Venerable, to Blessed to Saint by developing their Holiness Training skills.

    “Gotta Catch ‘m All!”

    • Laura Paxton

      Religious Pokemon App. Now, that’s a concept!

      • Laura Paxton

        @marievangompelalsbergas Where the heck did that come from? Is it your website or do I have a hacker?

  • samton909

    Don’t worry. As long as he does not face ad orientum, the Vatican will approve.

    • Adam Hovey

      Mate I don’t know what your beef is considering that the church approves of both ad Orientem and Pro popolo. Of course you wouldn’t know that because your sspx Chapel has filled your head with lies

      • Diane Bartlett

        Not everyone who faces ad orientum is sspx. For example the FSSP say the TLM and face ad orientum, and they are in full union with the Church. There are also priests who say the new mass who wish to face our Lord during the Mass.

  • Holly Williams

    I hope that everyone realizes that this is a satire site and this is not actual news.

    • Monk

      It’s futile attempting to prevent the gullible class from expressing their shallow knowledge and meager intellect. In fact, such an effort places one pretty nearly in the same category. And there is no more charitable way to say as much.

    • Deacon Raymond Moon Sr.

      It is? 🙂

      • Holly Williams


  • Gisèle A. Demers

    Wake up folks…you have another insane proof right here…that the Vatican II church is heretical, insane, invalid…blasphematory….Get out of that sect.

    • JFarinholt

      If you would note the disclaimer at the bottom of this page, it may help you to understand the article’s purpose more clearly…

      • Monk

        And how can you be sure Gisèle didn’t just play you?

        • Sigroli

          Hard to say… could be either tongue-in-cheek *or* a radtrad nutbar.

          • Sigroli

            I just checked her Disqus profile… radtrad nutbar it is.

  • Adam Hovey

    Funny article as both a practicing Catholic and a Pokemon fan I can appreciate it although my phone does not have Pokemon go and I much prefer the handheld’s on various Nintendo systems though I may play it eventually I tried to earlier on my mother’s phone because my little sisters downloaded it but I could not figure out what to do