No One At Mass Sure Whether They At Catholic Or Protestant Service

September 7, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Despite efforts to figure whether they were in a Catholic or Protestant service, local parishioners were left baffled after an “animated” man wearing vestments put on a head mic and began pacing back and forth as he delivered his sermon.

“The man looked like a priest and I was quite certain I was in a Catholic Church,” said longtime parishioner Joyce Parlin who had no clue as to what the hell was going on. “But he kept pacing back and forth, ending each statement with a ‘can I get an amen?’ No one was exactly sure what he was asking for. I overheard one gentleman respond, ‘yes, I suppose,’ but the priest or pastor or whatever he was kept desperately asking if he could get more amens.”

Parlin went on to add that the priest or pastor or whatever the heck he was continually used words like “fellowship” and “ministry” during his sermon, words, Parlin admitted, she had never heard before.

“He also used the phrase ‘saved by the Blood of the Lamb,’ which I suppose is some sort of Christian take on the TV show ‘Saved by the Bell.’ Hell, I don’t know.”

At press time, the band has begun singing praise a worship as beach balls are being thrown to and fro, confirming that the event is a Life Teen Mass.

  • Grumpy Young Man

    So when will the satire return to EOTT?

    • Catholic_Mom_of_6

      Except, this is a little close to the mark of reality, isn’t it?

  • If they’re in the image at the top of this article then they’re in a Protestant church – it’s St Paul’s Anglican Church on Symonds St in Auckland, New Zealand 😉

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    The key here is to count the “We just…” prayers. Less than 5 “we just” prayers, and you’re likely in a Catholic Church.

    Unless you’re in Orange County. Then there’s no tellin’.

    • Sarah Fearn Johnson

      Yes, it seems to frequently be heard from Protestant preachers, “Lord, we just…”.

    • Scott Williams

      A friend said the local worshipers where he grew up had invented their own god. I asked what he meant, and he said, “They didn’t worship Jesus, they worshipped Wejus. ‘Wejus, wanna thank yew, Lord, for these blessings. Wejus are so happy to be here. Wejus feel so glorified by you…”

  • Frank Hammond

    Ever been to Mass at a “Catholic” College? Very similar – but with out the beach balls…

    • Nick the Californian

      You misspelled katholyc college.

    • Bryan

      Wrong. The beach balls are how you know it was a COLLEGE Mass and not Lifeteen. Veteran of two different Newman Centers and two other “Catholic” Colleges (including one Jesuit).

  • Chris Woods

    Disappointed in this – I always love me some Eye of the Tiber. The line about Life Teen in the end was disappointing. Glad to see you’ve at least corrected the spelling, but if only you knew what Life Teen actually recommends for liturgies! If people actually followed what was recommended, they’d be some of the most reverent, beautiful liturgies around! See for yourself what Life Teen is and what they offer before making a judgement call like this. MANY vocations are being born from the movement!

    • Heinz

      Do not misattribute the satire.
      As you know this site frequently makes fun of parishioners and priests, but not about teachings. So the ridicule is for those who do not do it “right”.

      So if EotT can make fun of priests not adhering to the teaching, then why can it not make fun of “Life Teen” (whatever that is), if it is not adhering to common sense. If one does not say that all priests are bad, then the other does not say that all Life Teen is bad.

      Surely you agree that if something brings beach balls into liturgy, it is off.
      If your Life Teen thing does not do that, it is not being ridiculed here.

    • Martha

      Is that like saying, “But, but, if only the documents of V2 were reeeaaallly followed…” Meh. Garbage.

  • Laughing so hard I’m crying

  • The dig about life teen…. Kicked the hornets nest

  • Sarah Fearn Johnson

    I thought this was funny. After going to a funeral once in a church in downtown Newport News, Va. my 7th grader son said he liked the way the minister preached and the calls for “Amen” and the responses from the congregation. He said that he thought that when Father Mike said something he liked at Mass, that he, my son, would call out, “I’m with ya, Father!” As far as I now he never has.

  • Monk

    When the once sacred space appears to be under perpetual rearrangement, with disposable banners and such … you might be in a once Catholic Church.

  • Adam Hovey

    I really don’t think a priest interacting with the congregation is Protestant pretty sure it’s actually very Catholic. Would you rather have a priest that simply ignores the parishioners and treats them like crud? I rarely ever go to a lifeteen Mass partially because I’m not a teenager but I do sometimes if I sleep in late and I will tell you never once have I heard a band unfortunately I’ve heard drums I have also heard guitars which contrary to popular belief are allowed stringed instruments are allowed to be used in the Latin church during the liturgy. However preeminence is still to be given to Gregorian chant

    • Presbyter

      Ummm… Satire?

  • Tom

    Had to ask in one church is this Catholic? And after the affirmative answer “did you guys just find old building to use? Are you going to build a church?” This seeing as how the coffee maker was right in the worshipping area, finding the tabernacle was harder than Where’s Waldo, and I had never seen people with coffee and Snapple in pews before. And also having to explain what a pew was. I was answered with a puzzled look and ” why? We just built his one!”

  • yvobalcer

    Uncomfortable when priests do this.

  • scooter

    Short article but extremely funny! The preaching man’s calls for “Amens”, I suspect, is the new way for Catholics to do “group penance” and is far more efficient than the previous method of individual penitents having to say so many “Hail Marys” that it replaces.

  • samton909

    It’s very simple to tell a Catholic service from a Protestant service.

    Catholics play acoustic guitars; the band looks sheepish.

    Protestants play electric guitars; the band looks full of themselves.

  • I was under the impression Life Teen was fairly orthodox (I’ve heard and loved Mark Hart talks), but I don’t think I’ve been to one of their masses myself. Can anyone give evidence one way or the other?

    • Karen Pansegro

      The church my daughter attended for a while was fairly orthodox, but had music “to bring in the youth,” electric guitars and all, and the priest would begin Mass by turning to the leader of the band, and asking, “so, what do we have tonight, Dave?” The leadership of the LT group was very good, though.