Pope Francis Names Archbishop Cupich As His Successor

October 11, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Goat_Girl

Image: Goat_Girl

The Vatican announced this week that Chicago Archbishop Blase Cupich has been selected to be Pope Francis’ successor after the 79-year-old pontiff hits the age of retirement next year.

Cupich told worshipers yesterday that he was “so very grateful and humbled by the news that he would be given the opportunity to wreak havoc upon the Church while wearing white.”

Cupich, 67, will receive his “white hat” in Rome on December 18, 2017, the day after Pope Francis turns 80. Cupich’s succession to the papacy also means he will have his choice of who will succeed him in the future.

“I would have to say as I reflect on it, while I’m pleased with this, I don’t feel any different,” Cupich told EOTT shortly after the news broke. “Joking, I feel pretty awesome and superior to everyone else. In a way, I’ve always felt like that, but now I’ll have more control to do as I wish with the Church, if that makes sense.”

Though this is the first time a pope has named a successor, it was no surprise to many that Cupich’s name was the one chosen on Sunday. Just last year, Francis picked Cupich to participate in a meeting to discuss how to better confuse the living crap out of people when it comes to the Church’s teachings on marriage, contraception, divorce and homosexuality.

Francis also named Cupich to the Congregation for Bishops, a Vatican panel that helps prevent orthodox and conservative bishop candidates from being elevated.

“Francis was looking for a doppelganger, someone who shares his mission, his message and his practices,” a Vatican representative told EOTT. “He found him in Chicago.”

  • G. Scott Withers

    EOTT is holding nothing back…

  • Frank Hammond

    Thank goodness this is a parody! The Blazer would be a disaster beyond description…

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    The appointment of Nancy Pelosi as Theologian to the Papal Household will surely be announced within the week.

    • Monk

      I suppose Barack Obama would head the Pontifical Council for Interminable Religious Dialogue.

    • Maggie

      Not only that but she will be made a deaconess too…on her way to being a cardinal under the next pontificate!

  • Famijoly

    Not to nitpick — well, yes, to nitpick — it would have been more effective to tie in Pope Francis’ selection of Archbishop Blase Cupich as a Cardinal.

    To wit:
    “The Vatican announced this week that Pope Francis’ selection of Archbishop Blase Cupich as one of 18 new cardinals comes with the added designation of Coadjutor Pope for the current Archbishop of Chicago. As Coadjutor, Cardinal Cupich will possess the right of succession to the papacy when Pope Francis retires upon his 80th birthday on December 17, 2017.

    “While unprecedented in the office of Pope, the coadjutor designation is provided in Canon Law for bishops, who serve as de facto auxiliary bishops with the right to succeed the diocesan bishop upon the ordinary’s retirement or death.,

    “‘It is, after all, about finding a Bishop for Rome,” said Pope Francis after the announcement. “It shouldn’t have to be done in a short period of time, with debates that are so divisive. The people of Rome need a bishop. And this is the more careful way to do things.”

    “After the November 19 consistory, the Catholic Church will have three living men with the papal title: Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, and Coadjutor Pope Blase. Cupich has not indicated whether he will follow custom and change his name upon succeeding to the Throne of St. Peter. Insiders indicate the Coadjutor Pope is leaning toward, “Conscience is supreme” as his papal motto, but that remains unconfirmed. A Vatican spokesman also observed that longtime papal tailor Gamarelli’s will now have plenty of time to properly outfit the next pope. In the days of the now obsolete conclave to elect a pope, the Rome tailor shop would send to the Sistine Chapel three white papal cassocks, of varying sizes, so that the new Pope could change into papal white almost immediately after being elected.”

    • Robert Krishnaop

      Now that would be a first.

  • MenAreLikeWine

    Cupich worshippers are the worst.

  • Robert Krishnaop

    Just a pedant’s point. It wouldn’t be the first time a Pope has nominated a successor. Gregory VII nominated Victor III. I am sure there’d be plenty of other nominations in history.

    • puycafm

      selected, not nominated.

  • Casper

    Ah, Cupich is humbled by the news. Just like our #1 Bishop! Humble, humble humble!

  • Deus Hoc Vult

    We should be careful not to give Vatican any ideas…

  • samton909

    Early word is that he will call himself Pope Fabulous the First.

  • Jim

    There will soon be a lot of people showing up to shake the Pope’s hand but fake-sneezing instead: “ah, ahh, ahhh, CHAPUT.”

  • spk4244

    The follow-up would surely be an article complaining that there weren’t enough girls doing liturgical dance at his installation Mass.

  • Michael Leggett

    And Michael Voris will be his Noncritical Self in this case. Only Cardinal Dolan will be in Mikey’s Crosshairs.