Four Cardinals Ask Francis To Clarify IKEA Instructions

November 17, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image: Sean Hobson

Image: Sean Hobson

Telling the press today that instructions of Pope Francis’ IKEA gift to them had numerous inconsistencies, four cardinals wrote a letter to him asking that he “resolve the uncertainties and bring clarity to the instruction manual for the armchair.”

“We the undersigned, but also many bishops and priests, ask that you provide the correct interpretation to page three of the IKEA instructions for your AMÖRIS Armchair gift,” the cardinals wrote.

They went on to add that “both theologians and scholars have proposed interpretations” of how to put the armchair together, especially its third and fourth pages, “which contradict one another.”

“Compelled by our pastoral frustrations over this hastily written instruction pamphlet, and desiring to put this chair together once and for all, that faithful visitors may sit upon it, we, with profound respect, ask you, Holy Father, as Supreme Teacher of Construction, called to confirm his brothers in the build, to resolve the uncertainties and to bring clarity to these vague images of nuts, bolts, and other material that we cannot distinguish.”

A foreword to the letter states that the main issue regarding the instruction manual is that the legs of the armchair shown in the instructions in page five were not included in the box, giving the chair “no legs to stand on.”

  • Robin

    Pope Francis next encyclical should just be a series of illustrations. It would be just as illuminating as anything he has written so far.

    • Piedade

      He’s been using youtube lately. I found out that if you you turn off the sound and the monitor all inconsistencies disappear.

      It’s a miracle !

    • James M

      A graphic novel Encyclical ? Sounds like the Catholic answer to those pesky little tracts published by the late Jack Chick. Perhaps the Vatican could hire Curt Swann – the best Superman artist ever. Or someone like him, if he is no longer with us. The HF is well worth reading.

    • Casper

      Wouldn’t it just be page after page of stick people hugging, maybe with some hearts emanating from them with little lines? Because love is all you need, or something like that. Let’s not be rigid!

  • samton909

    The Pope’s designated “Angry Answerer”, Father Anthony Spadaro immediately responded to the Cardinals with a tweet “Who has to ask questions when everything has been made clear? Buzz off, swine”

  • Piedade

    It’s the chair of peter that needs to be put together again.

    • Disqus_disqus

      Also, the difference is that IKEA instructions are crystal clear, while AL is well….

  • Sam A

    Funny until you realize this can cause schism in the Church

  • VeilOfTiers

    Some bishops and cardinals are claiming that the legs were not left out. Legs were not needed because it is a hassock, which is defined as “a thick, firm cushion used as a footstool or for kneeling.”

    Of course, there is a second definition at the following link that might actually be the case:

  • Deacon Raymond Moon Sr.

    That was a long way to go for an old punchline….

  • DAR

    Today’s homework assignment is to read about Pope Honorius I (625-638)

  • Kim Bo
  • Thomas Gillespie

    Not very funny at all, tending to trivialize very serious questions put to Bergoglio by faithful Cardinals who put their reputations on the line so semi-amusing morons like yourself have a Church you can actually mock, you miserable, egg-sucking, craven, pusillanimous poltroon.

    • Heinz

      I expected this to be a Monty Python quote, in which case it would have been funny. But it seems to be just a distasteful insult.

      So I can only say: “””I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”””

      • Thomas Gillespie

        Ha! I think that was the Scotch talking.

        • Heinz

          Maybe I should leave it at that, but I do not understand you.
          Sorry if I am dense, but do you say that you were drunk when you wrote the earlier comment?

          • Thomas Gillespie

            Drunk? I think that’s putting it a wee bit strongly. Let’s just say I felt momentarily liberated from the shackles of polite discourse.

          • Heinz

            I should know that it is impossible to get an accurate picture of a person through these few written sentences, but you confuse me even more than I would expect.

            In your “liberated moment” you talked about Papa using his family name. I guess that is easier to do than with “Wojtyła”, which contains a difficult letter. It still betrays you to have misgivings and puts you right there with traditionalists of various degree that frequent these pages. (Your comment history on Disqus confirms this)
            I do not personally know anybody who thinks that he is more catholic than the pope, but what puzzles me is the light way that you brush off your inebriated swearing. “Oh, I was uncharitable because I commited gluttony, but no problem – it frees me.”
            I mean, even somebody with Tourettes apologizes afterwards, although they are even less culpable than an alcoholic.

            Now I certainly do not judge anybody who struggles with an addiction and will pray for you, if you so wish, but how can you take your faith on the one hand so serious that you do not accept the pope on doctrinal issues, but on the other hand seem to not feel the need to do anything about your own sin. I understand that being humble is a higher priority of a christian than proving others wrong. How can you find mercy for yourself, if you are against the very pope that preaches mercy more than all others?

            I’m sorry if I assume wrongly about you. I am aware that I have only few words from you to build an opinion. I hope you understand my words in this context. A loved one of mine is in the situation that your words indicate to me, so maybe I am oversensitive about the subject.

  • Richard Mondak