Vatican Offering Cyber Monday 50% Off Sale On All Indulgences

November 28, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Even though far more Catholics shopped online than in churches on Black Friday weekend, they are apparently not done yet.

A new EOTT survey released Sunday estimates that some 67-million Roman Catholics will shop online for their remission of temporal punishment in purgatory due for sins after absolution on Cyber Monday. That’s up only slightly from last year’s 65-million shoppers.

With Walmart and Amazon recently entering the Cyber Monday indulgence “game,” the Church is now offering heavy discounts as well, not only online but, more crucially, in churches. That move, which reflects how penitents shopped for forgiveness in 2016, is also meant to lower the stress of the Vatican website, which last year buckled under the intense eSpiritual-commerce pressure that naturally comes with Cyber Monday.

The evidence of the migration of “church shopping” to eSpiritual-commerce is incontrovertible: Eternal Fortune Magazine told EOTT on Sunday that eSpiritual-commerce sales between Thanksgiving and Saturday rose 13.7% to top $6.1 billion in new indulgences.

“The brick-and-mortar churches have made a big leap with their online efforts this year,” USCCB analyst Devin Thomas told EOTT yesterday. “They’re starting to get it. The USCCB says 63% of Black Friday indulgences placed on their website came from mobile devices…something we believe shows Catholics are growing more comfortable with pushing the “forgive me” button on smartphones.

  • Heinz

    Be careful with counterfeit absolution apps for mobile phones.
    Recent studies have shown that while having to watch annoying advertisements does reduce the time to spend in purgatory, its effectiveness is much lower than with the one church-approved ForgiveMe-App.

  • samton909

    When I tried to get into the Vatican website, I got a message saying I was blocked because I was a “hard hearted doctor of the law”. What does that mean?

  • aelfheld

    “As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the soul from purgatory springs.”

    • Casper

      Sobald der Pfennig im Kasten klingt, die Selle aus dem Fegfeuer spring.

  • James

    This is GOLD! <3 I love you EOTT!!

  • James

    Love the comments, too!

  • Johnny

    Plenary indulgences gave men the ability to rape, torture and kill as they wanted (in the name of Rome of course) because that piece of paper from a pope let them do as they please. You papists, instead of making jokes about this blasphemous and unbibilical practice, would be better served to study the long and bloody history of your past.

    • Heinz

      Pretty sure men had those abilities even without a piece of paper for a pope.

      Yeah, I was wondering about the “study the long and bloody history” part. Catholics treasure sacred tradition, so we live and believe according to some thousands of years of theology. That only works with some serious reading up on stuff. I was always under the impression that many a protestant study of that time starts with the idea “everything went immediately horribly wrong”, leading to the sentiment that it’s not really worth looking into history for any other reason but to condemn it.
      Do you think that simply by being on the negative side (“it’s all bad”) you are more learned, reasonable and biblical than anybody who is on the positive side (“there are holy men in those times”)?

    • Stuck in the Vortex

      As opposed to protestants who have the ability to rape, kill and do all those other lovely things and get away with it simply because they proclaimed their faith in Jesus and are therefore saved.

      • Heinz

        I pondered long if I should at all answer to Johnny, as this is a fun page, not one argue with an anti-catholic.
        When being attacked like that it is extraordinarily difficult not to just lash back with a “you too” response, which is neither helpful nor logical.

    • JFarinholt

      Its not a question of looking into history, it is a question of looking into theology, a Plenary Indulgence is a good work designated by the church that (when done intentionally, and with a contrite spirit) eliminates the time in Purgatory (temporal punishment, or suffering) caused by a sin. It does NOT forgive sins, and thus is not a license to sin.

    • samton909

      “Papists”? Did you time travel here from the 16th century or something?

      • Manuel Mangani

        Indeed. Taking fundamentalism a step (or rather several steps in the time dimension) too far…

    • Manuel Mangani

      Chill out, Johnny. This a satirical page, after all.

      However, you may wish to follow your own advice and read up on Church history a bit.It should be instructive, particularly if you read the more eminent, objective authors (non-Catholics too), rather than the Protestant ones out to blacken the Catholic Church at all costs, you might be unpleasantly surprised at what the Catholic Church did ( and didn’t do) in reality

      A word of warning, though: be careful with what spirit you approach the enterprise. Too much sincerity can be very dangerous. A substantial of Protetstants like you converted to Catholicism when their new-found knowledge of the Church’s real history, as opposed to the lying propaganda masquerading as true history dished out by anti-Church ”historians”,showed them the truth,

  • wonder

    Johnny…..get a grip.
    EOTT… excellent job. Lol.

  • Frank Hammond

    If Alexander VI had on-line shopping in his day he would have the Vatican up for sale.

  • MonsignorBrokhage

    As Monsignor, I am also offering an indulgence on my new express rosary. Indulgences are offered in three tiers. The 5 decade indulgence (5 years off purgatory) and the 15 decade indulgence (15 years off). If you want to be protected for life, just sign up for the 54 day novena indulgence. The express rosary means that you just have to think about saying the rosary and then think about your indulgence option. It’s all as smooth as a Pater said by a priest in a hurry!

    • Monk

      It seems that quite a few priests misunderstand “prayer and fasting” to mean fast praying. Sigh.

  • Guy McClung

    When will we have Holy Communion via smartphone?

    • Disqus_disqus

      Yeah…online Baptism, and even online Marriage