Pope Francis Seen Walking Around The Vatican Carrying Bloody, Barbed Wire Baseball Bat

December 13, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Rumors out of Rome began swirling yesterday after Pope Francis was seen walking around the Vatican with a bloody, barbed wire baseball bat that many reported hearing the Pontiff refer to as “Saint Lucille.”

“It’s really been kinda intense here the past few days,” said Swiss Guard, Luca Shmid. “He’s been walking around with an odd, obnoxious smirk on his face talking about Saint Lucille being thirsty, and that she’s a vampire bat.”

One anonymous Cardinal told EOTT that Francis asked bishops gathered at his new mandatory morning meetings why they all “looked scared” as blood dripped off his bat.

“He told the ‘four cardinals’ that recently questioned Amoris Laetitia that he was gonna ‘beat the holy hell out of one of them.’ After that, he told everyone that it’s going to be ‘pee-pee pants diocese here real soon’ if things didn’t change in the Church. Yeah, kinda freaky, but he seemed to mean business with the blood dripping off his bat and all, so everyone listened. Seriously, though, this guy’s ruining the Church and he seriously needs to be recast or something.”