Vatican Investigating Possible Russian Orthodox Hack Of 2013 Papal Elections

December 18, 2016 by  
Filed under Politics

In a surprise press conference today, Monsignor Buonarroti, Head of the Catholic Internet Agency (CIA), affirmed that in 2013 Russian Orthodox hackers infiltrated the Vatican servers in an attempt to sway the outcome of the latest Papal Conclave that elected Pope Francis. The hack was traced to a group of seminarians based out of a small seminary in suburban Moscow.

“They wanted to sew seeds of confusion in the Catholic Church to bring it more in line with a Russian Orthodox doctrinal policy,” Buonarroti told EOTT.  He went on to say that the attempts by the Russians did not have any real effect, and that any similarities in doctrinal approaches between the Russian Orthodox Church and the Vatican on certain issues were purely coincidental.

Others, though, insist that a number of Cardinals at the Conclave were unknowingly swayed by the fake news stemming from the Russian group.

“The Russians really made a mess of the Vatican,” reported a source from the Sovereign Military Order of Malta who declined to be named because he does not have authority to speak publicly.

In addition, the FBI swiftly released a statement critical of the CIA’s findings.

“The hack was clearly in retaliation against the traditional Roman policy towards Russia.  As a lay movement, the Fatima Believers Institute (FBI) will continue to demand that the entire Catholic episcopacy, along with the Pope, will intervene in Russia.  We have a mandate from heaven and the job was only half done.”

When told of the FBI’s statement and pressed for a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer as to whether Rome’s past spiritual intervention was successful, an exasperated Buonarroti replied, “We do not give binary answers to complicated consecration questions.”

  • Thibaud313

    I know the expression “Best.Post.Ever” is tossed around a lot these days. But in this post, you managed to flawlessly sew together the “Trump, Agent of the Politburo” farce, the Francis-crisis, the dubia, an allusion to Burke and the unbearable pavlovian combox calls for Fatima-related Russian consecration.
    I honestly proclaim this EOTT’s Best.Post.ever.

    • Andy

      It really is masterful. Bravo!

  • rogerwmbennett

    Orthodox, new to EEOT, but I’ve got to join Thibaud313 to praise this one.

  • Like the Orthodox would want a Pope like Francis…..

    I think that’s the true satire here.

  • aelfheld

    ‘Sew’?

    • 5Keys

      That’s quite a trick. Make them into rosaries maybe.

  • Rose Lincoln

    Brilliant!

  • MaxTiger

    None of this made up!

  • Patrick O’Brien

    I wish that the Vatican would investigate the real Communist influence at Vatican II.

  • Yankeegator

    From what I can tell, it seems like The German Lutherans. The got their man in the inside! Come to think of it, that NO Mass this morning seemed an awful lot like a Lutheran Service… hmmmmm