Traditionalists Sanction Protestant Communities Over Vatican II Liturgical Hacks

December 29, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

In a drastic move to secure traditionalist Catholics from liturgical hackers, the Burke administration on Thursday slapped a number of Protestant communities and individuals with sanctions over their alleged Vatican II hacks of the Mass.

“These actions follow repeated private and public warnings that we have issued to Protestants, and are a necessary and appropriate response to efforts to harm the sanctity of the Mass in violation of established universal norms of behavior,” Cardinal Raymond Burke said in a statement.

The move puts an end to decades of speculation over how liturgical traditionalists would respond to what it said was a widespread digital campaign orchestrated by liberal Vatican officials in an attempt to disrupt the holiness of the Mass. More recently, intelligence officials from the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter have concluded that a number of high-ranking Vatican officials in the 1960’s were actually hoping to tilt the Mass in favor of Protestantism with its liturgical hacking.

“These actions are not the sum total of our response to the Protestants’ aggressive activities,” Burke said. “We will continue to take a variety of actions at a time and place of our choosing, some of which will not be publicized.”

Protestant officials have consistently denied any role in the liturgical hack of Vatican II, and earlier this week vowed to fight back against any traditionalist punishment.

“Frankly speaking, we are tired of lies about the Protestant role in the Second Vatican Council that continues to be spread in the Church,” Baptist Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Mario Bronfman said in a statement. “We were simply observing.”

  • susanna

    Deport their operatives who are in our clergy! I can give you names.

  • LMG

    It. Was. Not. The. Protestants. It was an inside job.

  • Savonarola

    C’mon, c’mon – they were not “hacks,” they were “leaks,” like the smoke of Satan “leaking” into the Church.

    Otherwise, excellent satire.

  • Peter-Paul Parker

    Cardinal Burke has obviously stumbled across Pope Francis’ and Cardinal Kasper’s nefarious plot to have Luther canonised in 2017.

  • Hotrod1962

    Has anyone checked out the Russian Orthodox Church?