Priest Selling Contraband Blessings In The Sketchy End Of Parish Arrested

January 3, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Father Martin Jones has been arrested for selling contraband papal blessings near the south end of St. Agatha parish after authorities found a trunk full knockoff religious goods and blessings.

The thirty year-old priest was arrested in the early hours of morning Mass yesterday after several parishioners admitted to purchasing blessings and intersessions at below market prices.

The arrest took place in the abandoned part of the church where the tabernacle is located.

“I was walking to the restrooms located at the rear of the church when Father Jones approached me,” said parishioner Roberta Haskins. “I try to avoid that area, but I really had to use the restroom and perhaps pop in to say hello to Jesus when Father approached me. He was wearing a trench coat and smoking a joint filled with incense. He asked if I was looking for the goods. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about until he said, ‘You know…spiritual goods, woman.'”

Haskins went on to say that when Jones opened his coat to reveal the contraband blessings and several knock-off religious goods, she saw a water gun filled with holy water strapped to his hip.

“That’s when I decided I needed to get out of there as quickly as possible. I put my hands up and thanked him for the offer, but that I really had to get back.”

Jones is expected to be arraigned later this week, but is expected to do little or no time because of his suspected ties to the local Knights of Columbus Mafia


  • Robin

    The Knights of Columbus mafia ties is too rich!

    • VeilOfTiers

      Those ties are clip-ons, too. Tacky!

  • Casper

    What is going on EOTT? So many stories, so quickly…
    You need to be more like George Michael, less like Prince…

    • SciviasKnows

      He finished his book, so now he has free time.

  • Jim Brooks

    My parish is completely in the control of the K of C mafia. All of our ushers are red shirted K of C members. Our weekly Sunday offering is more like a pew tax. They’ll
    send the basket down and wont move on until they think they have all of it. Afterwards they do the counting and then and only then do they tell the parish what is there. Members of the finance council have speculated as much as 20% is skimmed off the top by the gang. They have control of all the pancake breakfasts and fish frys. They employee forced child labour by making the American Heritage Girls and the boys from Trial Leaders work those events as “volunteers”. Their hands reach into organised gambling through rigged bingo games and raffle tickets. They do all the grounds keeping to ensure our Pastor is locked away. Wedding and funerals can only be held. if you use their hall for the reception afterwards at their price. In their hall they have taken down the framed picture of Fr. McGivey, their founder, and replaced it with their hero John Gotti. All the expensive cars in the church parking lot, like Caddies, have K of C stickers on them. I prayer daily that one day EOTT would do a 60 minutes like report on these thugs

    • samton909

      They seemed alright to me.

  • Wildgraywolf

    Good. Perhaps that will put an end to the bingo “protection” racket.

  • Hotrod1962

    Happened to me years ago…bought a papal blessing from the back of a truck….didn’t realize until I got home that Pope Eddie III did not exist.

    • samton909

      Pope Eddie does not exist?

      • Hotrod1962

        The blessing had a picture of a pope Eddie III. He had a leather jacket, a motorcycle, and was posed with his two thumbs up. He reminded me of the Fonz……I don’t know why, but this made me slightly suspicious.

  • SciviasKnows

    Used to be indulgences. Those scoundrels just won’t quit.