As 2000th Anniversary of Pentecost Approaches, God Still Refuses to Clarify Ambiguous Passages of Scripture

January 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Advocates of family values and traditional marriage spoke out today, demanding again that Jesus Christ clarify his words, “If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Lk 14:26).

“This wildly ambiguous remark can easily be taken as an attack on the institution of the family itself. We are gravely concerned that Jesus reckless and imprecise speech will be taken as the basis for attacks on the family and insist that Jesus is bound, under canon law, to anticipate and eliminate every conceivable way anybody throughout all of time and space might misunderstand and misapply his words,” said Raymond Spotcheck, leader of the Coalition to Defend the Church from Liberal Messiahs.

“And that’s just the start. I mean, what’s with the whole book of Revelation thing? What does that even mean? It’s bound to sow confusion and result in a ton of conflicting interpretations! And the parable of the dishonest steward? People are going to think you can get to heaven by cooking the books! Why does Jesus insist on using such vague language?”

Mr. Spotcheck also went on to deny allegations that he has been sowing dissent, saying, “Look, I’m not saying Jesus is a false teacher we all need to resist with every fiber of our being if we love our families and care about the truth. I’m just asking questions.”

  • saa5of5

    Jesus knew the secret thoughts of man and laid them bare, he didn’t write them off as coming from a sad, “back story” and shrug saying, “hey, what evah.”

  • samton909

    The Bishops of Malta have issued guidelines for understanding this passage. According to the new guidelines, it means that “you should hate and detest your family, as long as you can do so with a clear conscience, and are at peace with God”

    The bishops went on to say it might be “humanly impossible” to not hate your family.

  • Hotrod1962

    Apocryphal literature describes Jesus at this time of his life having a tough time with his parents, which may explain this passage. It appears to originate with Joseph’s criticism over a dinette set Jesus had built and his mother’s insistence that he get a “real job”.

    • Heinz

      Does it also explain why we have to set up these deathmatch rings in which father fights “against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”
      Maybe Jesus was given to betting in those days?

      I, for one, am glad that the symmetry in this commandment has made catholic fight rings fairer than the pagan ones.

  • Michelle

    Apparently, the matter came to a head in the second half of John 6, where only Jesus’ sycophants remained, the rest coming to their senses leaving disheartened, realizing he was NOT being ambiguous at all, but deadly serious.