New Protestant “Achilles’ Heel Free Bible” Omits Matthew 16:18, Book of James

January 19, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

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Protestant book publisher Branch Of A Branch Publishing announced today the publication of their new Achilles’ Heel Free Bible, which is said to omit Matthew 16:18 and The Book of James.

Branch Of A Branch Publishing founder and president Pastor Blake Williams told EOTT this morning that he “thought it time to relieve the stress from Protestants who stumble across awkward passages while studying the Good Word.”

“We all obviously know that Matthew 16:18 refers to Peter as a pebble, meaning that he was insignificant. We also know that when James says that we are justified by works and not by faith alone that he was just playing a joke on his listeners to make sure they were paying attention. In fact most of that book is sort of a gotcha! And even if, lets say, it wasn’t a gotcha book, Luther wasn’t a fan of the book to begin with, calling it an ‘epistle of straw.’ So instead of putting out an apologetics bible trying to explain every minute detail that might have the average Protestant in the church questioning his beliefs, we thought, ‘hey, why not just skim over the head scratchers and do what we do best…slim line!'”

Williams went on to say that they also omitted nearly the entirety of The Book of Revelation because Martin Luther “wasn’t a big fan of that book either,” and that the only passages of Revelation they did keep were those referring to the “Whore of Babylon,” which were changed to “The Roman Catholic Church.”

  • Heinz

    They could leave the OT away, because that shows a completely different God. Also, the gospels can go, because whatever was said before the resurrection has become outdated anyways.

    That would simplify the enumeration of proof-texts, too.
    Instead of having to remember “Ephesians 2:8” you can just say “4”.

    Reading the whole bible (i.e. 39 verses) in a year will be also an achievable goal for catholics!

    • What Bibe are you reading? I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you haven’t even read the entire Old Testament I have

      • VeilOfTiers

        Most certainly not the one you have–unless one is in a position to share.

  • samton909

    Trump will soon solve this heresy. Our gracious Lord Trump will put them in their place.

    • Shari Morin

      It seems like today is a difficult day for you. I’m praying for you to find peace.

      • samton909

        Peace comes only through our Gracious Lord Trump, pbuh

        Today is a day of great rejoicing, for it is written, “He shall come upon you, Twitter fingers engaged, saving all mankind.”

    • I actually think that’s really funny

  • I am well aware that this website is satire so I’ll play along with it let’s go ahead and get rid of Romans because we all know that it proves the Protestant position of faith alone

    • VeilOfTiers

      Gee, thanks for playing.

  • Deacon Jack

    Well written! Laughed my Protestant upbringing off.

  • Mariae

    Ahahahahahaha perfect

  • Guy McClung

    I have always wondered where in the Bible it says you can use a translation, and then where it says which one is the correct one. And every time I replace the “man” in “woman” with “woman,” I get into this infinite series: wowoman, wowowoman, wowowowowowowowowowoman.

  • Vince M Sr

    How did I miss this article in January…???

    A local Parish in upscale Bucks County, PA… I’m told because I’m no longer allowed to attend here due to my financial status in life…Has petitioned to change the cycle to eliminate parts of Matthew except for the Crucifixion narrative.
    Seems the members of the parish are tired of being put down for wanting to hoard their wealth and line their caskets with gold.
    In addition they absolutely want the passage of Lazareth sitting at Abraham’s bosom removed totally from Luke as well.
    “Just remember the one who had 10 talents and invested wisely was given that single talent the loser who squandered it so we are justified to keep our money to ourselves.” “The fake-pope Francis telling us to give our money to the poor.. what does he want us to do go broke? Even Christ admitted there would be poor with you always. (Matt 14-7 and even 26-11)” But is the Pope satisfied? NOOOOO!