Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

January 26, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Tensions have escalated between conservative and liberal Catholics today as Knights of Columbus members amassed on Malta’s border, which was recently annexed by the Vatican.

Maltese U.N. Ambassador Marcallino Galea told EOTT this morning that the Knights of Columbus had amassed more than 40,000 knights on the border of Malta.

“These numbers may reflect some very bad intentions and this is the last thing we would like to happen,” Galea said. “Our hope is that the Vatican will come to its senses and that they will come to understand that they cannot continue order us around and to tell us where we can or cannot park in our own parishes.”

Pope Francis has pledged to take counter-measures against Malta, which he accused of sending saboteurs into the Vatican to carry out liturgical-terrorist acts in which priests say the Latin Mass in Rome.

Pro-Vatican separatists have been fighting near Malta’s border for months now, with hundreds of Maltese civilian casualties from shelling, mines, and tickling people to death with fluffy ostrich plumes from their stupid hats.

“Casualties are horrific, yes, but what is worse than death is that they are infiltrating our churches and nagging parishioners about becoming members of the Knights of Columbus. They are torturing innocent bystanders by continually reiterating how good their life insurance policy is. Please send help.”

  • Dr Phil

    “Cardinal Fang – bring out the ostrich feathers.”

  • HermitTalker

    Stupid sick story. K of C is a fraternal organisation, n army. Most of them are so old they could not use their symbolic swords,

    • RightinGeorgia

      I think this is a spoof article and is meant to be funny.

      • HermitTalker

        I understand. Just started receiving this site. Not impressed

        • Then go troll somewhere else?

          • HermitTalker

            Where? in your ******* **** No thank you SW

          • samton909

            Of course not. In his ******* **********

          • Heinz

            Haha, ******* ********** is totally fine. But for a moment I read ******* ********* and wondered what an **** ***** you must be to say such a thing!

          • HermitTalker

            So Freaking clever. Get a job with Trump’s Economic Team. They are short a ******* *****

          • JohnE_o

            Well, that escalated quickly…

    • Jim Brooks

      An excellent point. I have been writing to Supreme for years to upgrade our swords to light sabers or at least tasers. They have refused to that as it may lead to an arms race with both the Swiss Guards and the Holy Name Society.

      • samton909

        Our chapter used light sabers for a while, but one accidentally took off the head of an altar boy, so they stopped using them.

    • Tesomas

      Some say “old”. I prefer “extremely well-seasoned.”

      • JR

        MMMMMM. Well seasoned K of C. Now I want some Colonel Sanders chicken.

        • HermitTalker

          Buy a new joke book Res. This crawled off the page full of maggots

    • Bob Mounger

      I’m 4th degree KC & I think it is amusing. What the spoof is alluding to in this case is:

      This may be, as has been pointed out elsewhere, effectively the Vatican, a sovereign state, annexing the Knights of Malta, another sovereign state.

      Hence the joke about the KC being used as troops in this “conquest”

    • samton909

      No, I am pretty sure K of C is a nuclear power, much like North Korea.

      • Diffal

        Ah yes, now that’s the kind of aggiornamento that the Spirit of Vatican II called for!!

        • HermitTalker

          The cow is dry, milked to death

          • Diffal

            That will be Malta’s fault too no doubt.
            Poor cow.

    • Richardson McPhillips

      Old age and treachery beat youth and enthusiasm every time. Swiss Guard, watch out!

  • Psyche


  • Pedro

    I hope all those KofC by the Maltese border were wearing fluffy swimsuits before they realize Malta is an island.

    • samton909

      You know all those so called “immigrants” the Italian navy has been saving? Suspiciously, they were all wearing funny hats.

  • Diffal

    I knew Malta should have undergone remilitarization when it’s most recent patron – The Capped S.R.E Crusader – came to power. That way they would have been able to undertake a just war (of self-defense) right about now.

    Incidentally, wasn’t the use of fuffy ostrich plumes as a weapon of war banned at Vatican II?

    • HermitTalker

      COW DRY.

      • Diffal

        Good for you, you’re really getting the hang of this.

  • Deacon Jack


  • Breaking news, Grand Knight Anderson has just arrived at the Vatican to personally command the papal forces in Malta Invasion!

  • Cole Romero

    Aside from the fact that the K of C is a non military group primarily situated in the US. How could there be fighting and the assessment of troops along the boarders of an island nation situated in the middle of the Mediterranean possible.

    • Ioseph Demergo

      This. Is. Satire.

  • Michael F. J. Lee

    Given the average age of those 4th Degree Knights, and the amount of beer and liquor they soak up at their meetings, Malta has precious little to fear. 😉

    • HermitTalker

      You sound like a disgruntled Knight. I used get in trouble for jokes like that Michael as a practicing one !!!

    • Frank Hammond

      We never drink hard liquor after our meetings – only beer. And even the beer consumption is down. Most of the seasoned guys are on medication and stick to ginger ale or Seven Up.

      • HermitTalker

        Sad to hear. The renewed emphasis recently on Father McGivney surprises me. Where has the Pope Francis emphasis on Evangelisation stand in the Church in the USA with the men whose young men should fill up the K of C ranks. Did the old farts give them bad example ?

  • J Glenn Campbell

    I am awaiting confirmation of this story by the Babylon Bee!

  • christopherschaefer
    • Monk

      Quod inde sine dicens.

  • Byrhtferth

    I hear Donald Trump is going to prioritise refugees from the Knights of Malta fleeing annexation by the Vatican

  • AuthenticBioethics

    Does this mean that EWTN now owns Malta?

  • Louis Bertrand

    I knew one University parish that banned the Knights because they carried swords.