Catholic Rock Band Not Surprised To Learn They’re Going Hell

January 27, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Feliciano Guimarães

Image: Feliciano Guimarães

Just days after completing their whirlwind three-parish praise and worship tour, Catholic rock band Smug Self-Righteous Gutter Trash were saddened, though not the least bit surprised, to find out they were all doomed to eternal hellfire for their music.

Gutter Trash lead singer Koby Doyle told EOTT this morning that he and his fellow bandmates learned of the news just after a concert when “the angel of the Lord appeared backstage.”

“He stood there for a while trying to be all stern and serious like angels are in the Bible, but you could see he was really struggling to keep a straight face,” Doyle said as he googled techniques on how to remove skinny jeans without having to use scissors. “His face was turning all red and he was sweating until we finally let him off the hook and told him we knew. He was all, ‘Thank my Boss, I thought I was gonna lose it there! So you know you’re going to spend the rest of eternity gnashing your teeth and rending your garments for this right?’ We all nodded.”

The angel also went on to tell members of Gutter Trash that the road to hell was paved with discarded picks from pretentious members of Christian rock bands.

“Oh yeah, it’s an ugly scene down there,” the angel reportedly told the band. “Picks and cans of hairspray everywhere. Listen, although I can’t do anything to help you fellas in regards to the gnashing of teeth, I’ll totally understand if it takes you all some time in the fires of hell to rend those tight pants you guys are wearing from off your flesh.”

  • Robin

    I wonder why the angel did not implore the band to seek a priest to confess their sins. Maybe none of the members were ever Catholic.

    • Darran McDonnell

      It’s just satire, don’t worry 😛

      • Thibaud313

        Whaaaat ?!?

    • Nathan

      I was at a giant youth mass yesterday, 1000’s of kids, with a praise and worship band that didn’t know how to kneel.
      That’s not a figure of speech – two of the five were actually squatting during the consecration …

      • Robin

        That is actually a slight improvement over most “praise” bands I have seen. My experience is that they stand for the consecration and mimic the priestly postures.

  • Veronica

    Did the Angel asK for more cowbell?

    • Vince M Sr

      I think the killer was the 3 foot bongo drums from the african tour.

  • I am a rock musician that happens to be Catholic. I certainly hope I’m not going to hell
    ,I mean I don’t wear skinny jeans so I guess that’s a good start.

    • Vince M Sr

      Wish I could have fit in skinny jeans when I was in the band… but then I would have had to give up more than chocolate for more than just lent!

  • samton909

    Upon their arrival in hell, they will be surprised to see Marty Haugen chained to a wall, forced to listen to music with meaning.

  • Monk

    When the “contemporary mass” band plays at the parish Sunday noon mass, I feel like I’m in Hell.

    • MamaFactotum

      I freely admit to enjoying some good praise and worship music. But I admit
      that sometimes at Mass, when we sing “contemporary” songs (ie, 1980s-90s
      dreck) I play “spot the heresy” in my head.

  • Vince M Sr

    I can’t think of some witty comment since hell is listening to the same old organ drone through Mass. I can’t imagine what a rock band would have to go through. Maybe listening to organ music badly played with the same poorly selected voices hour after hour Oh I know… the song would be Morning has broken! One of the worse “contemporary” songs, it isn’t a hymn since there is no mention of God in it,.. or any number of songs like it that fail to mention Christ, God the Father or Holy Spirit but the organ drones out week in and week out.

  • Jim Brooks

    I am 55 years old and I was there back in the early 70’s when they tried to force guitar Masses down our throats. Even at the tender age of 8 I knew this was crud. In my opinion in one of the nine circles of Hell there is guitar Mass going on.

  • Thibaud313

    They’re going “to” hell.

  • Lawrence Lam ….not that type of band

  • Joe White
  • kamiller42

    But Jesus said “Upon rock I will build my church.”

    • quangxvu

      I can’t believe this has so few upvotes. HAHAHAHA