Uber To Begin Offering Sacrament Delivery With New UberMass App

February 8, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Alexander Torrenegra

Image: Alexander Torrenegra

Uber has announced plans to begin offering Mass deliveries beginning early next year.

Attempting to expand beyond the borders of ridesharing and food delivery, Uber will launch its UberMass service in Grand Rapids, Michigan before expanding to other cities later in the year.

According to listings on a number of job recruiting websites, UberMass is advertising for a number of “priest jobs” not only ranging from saying Mass, but to hearing confessions and giving last rites, showing that the company is serious about reaching everyone “where they’re at.”

“There’s a lot of momentum in the organization behind UberMass, and we think the market is ripe for Mass delivery,” said UberMass general manager Simon Patel at a launch event in New York on Wednesday. “As numbers has proven, Mass attendance have been plummeting for some time now. We think that can be fixed. Catholics will simply go to the app, order a priest, and one will be dropped off to them. Easy as that, they fulfil their Sunday obligation.”

Patel said that for an extra charge, UberMass customers will also be able to purchase add-ons such as a guitarist to play hymns during the Mass, a friendly usher to greet them in their own home, as well as a sick parishioner to come and sit directly next to them on the couch.

Uber is also considering a UberMassShare option which would be cheaper, and would allow others around the neighborhood to join in the Mass and to split the cost.

“All this will be available to our customers so that they no longer need to leave the comfort of their homes to experience the beauty of Mass. Depending on the success of our new venture, we’re also considering UberConfession as well as UberXtremeUnction.”

  • Andrew B

    Sign me up for this amazing service!

  • Grumpy Young Man

    Each priest will, of course, be accompanied by at least one lay lector and no less than three Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion to ensure that laity will have a sense of belonging to the UberMass community.

    Surge pricing will be in effect during Sundays (particularly after 6 pm) and other Holy Days of Obligation.

  • Kathryn Coe

    Is there an option for a non-hand holding Our Father? If I’m going to order it, I might as well tailor it to fit my own particular tastes.

    • samton909

      It will cost an extra $5.00 to have two lesbians languorously hug and kiss each other during the “Sign of peace”

      • Kathryn Coe

        as long as they’re not holding hands…

      • Casper

        Why don’t you sit in the non-lesbian section if you are so judgmental?!

        • samton909

          You mean there is a non-lesbian section in my house? I had no idea.

          • Casper

            Oh, well, in your house. Does it have anything to do with your meaningful neighbor encounter?

      • letsgetreal

        not in my parish…we actually have a transgender whatever you want to call him/her. I cannot even get myself to attend that parish any longer. It sits directly in front of the church during Mass…dresses accordingly. and to think that this is permitted in our cathedral. makes me sick!!!

        • Heinz

          I must very much disagree with you in calling any human (however sinful) an “it”. If you cannot stand the presence of another human because of his open display of sin, you did not understand what you are supposed to do to your neighbour and even enemy.

          And I do have difficulties imagining how it could be bad to come to mass. Would you rather have people with whatever kind of issues NOT go to mass?
          How about you use the opportunity to approach that person in love instead of venting your disgust on the public internets.
          What if a drug addict came into your precious cathedral? A drunk? You?

          I can see that God probably does not call you to be the true friend of this person, because of your inability to love somebody who does not understand his own sin.
          If you are angry with a society that commands you to accept his sin, do not be angry with him!
          Be smarter than that! Be more loving than that!

          • letsgetreal

            I really do not care what you think.

          • Heinz

            Of course you are right. It does not matter what I think.
            If I said anything right, then that is due to God, and I hope you look out for those parts, because you definitely must care about those.

    • Pooka

      I read this at first as a “non-hand holding Father” lol. My first thought was I needed to find out what diocese you are in so i could decide if I wanted to experience a hand-holding Father lol.

      • Kathryn Coe

        ha ha! If it were a large parish, they would have to appoint Ministers of Extraordinary Hand Holding.

      • Casper

        Oh, have you not experienced hand-holding with Father during the Our Father? I have, and I’m sure I’m not the only one…

        • Pooka

          LOL and nope, but I’ve experienced a hugging priest lol.

  • Mary Conces

    I hope that “last rights” was part of the satire. (Or the usual spell-check gaffe). Otherwise, it should have been “last rites”.

    Hilarious!

  • kamiller42

    I predict this business will fail when Pope Francis declares the intent to go to mass is sufficient to fulfill Mass obligations.

    • samton909

      As long as you have discerned it, and are at Peace with God, who are we to judge?

    • Jim Brooks

      In a way we are already doing that at my parish. Our shut-ins receive Mass by Skype and Communion via drones or as we like to call them our “angels”. So take that atheists and your so called “flying spaghetti monster”

  • parishioner ordinaire

    Will there be ratings for the priests, so that if you don’t like the homily they won’t send him to you anymore?

  • samton909

    This is a direct result of footnote 351 in Amoris Laetitia:

    In certain cases, this can include the help of the sacraments delivered by Uber. Hence, ‘I want to remind priests that hard and rigorous travel to mass must not be a torture chamber, but rather, Uber masses are an encounter with the Lord’s mercy’. I would also point out that the Eucharist ‘is not a prize for the perfect, but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak, who use Uber”

    • Casper

      But then how are you supposed to have a meaningful encounter with your neighbor? That’s what it’s all about, right?

      • samton909

        You are not supposed to know about the “meaningful encounter” I had with my neighbor.

  • Hotrod1962

    Not to worry….all self-driving Uber vehicles used to deliver Communion will be driven by the Holy Spirit.

    • letsgetreal

      or Hillary

      • Hotrod1962

        Yeah….I guess she has some free time now.

  • Andy

    Seriously though, Uber confession would be cool.

    • Grumpy Young Man
    • Hotrod1962

      Times for confessions are very limited and many small parishes say “by appointment”. I started going to a very rural parish (of which there are three churches) and when I first looked at their bulletin, no where could I find confessions.

      • Pooka

        Somewhat similar (but not as bad, yet) in my parish. Our pastor covers two parishes, a school and has some large responsibilities within the diocese. Our last pastor had a similar situation. That means in our church, we have 45 minutes for confession on Wednesday evenings before mass (which I can rarely make due to scheduling) and before Saturday mass. Our sister parish has confessions for about 45 minutes before Monday evening mass. I generally go on Saturdays but have been known to go on a Monday/Wednesday on occasion.

        • Casper

          Who not just go out of town for Confession? That way the priest won’t recognize your voice. It’s what I do!

          • Pooka

            I keep that in my back pocket for when I can’t make the available hours work.

    • Kathryn Coe

      okay, totally serious thought that occurred to me while laughing at your post. What if you volunteered to drive the priest around to his various duties and he heard your confession while you drove?

      • letsgetreal

        not a bad idea…everytime the driver gets stuck in traffic, and uses a few choice words, he can be forgiven…

  • Lawrence Lam

    I’m willing to pay surge pricing for the Ad Orientem

    • Casper

      You can pay in 1962 dollars!

      • Lawrence Lam

        No thank you, I’m a Novus Ordo guy

  • Lawrence Lam

    When the church gets forced underground this will actually be a necessary app

    • Casper

      Until the FBI subpoenas the records…