Dejected Stars Ryan Gosling And Emma Stone To Teach Liturgical Dance At Next Year’s LA LA Religious Education Conference

February 28, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

After a humiliating loss for Best Picture at this year’s Academy Awards, desperate La La Land stars Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone have signed a one-weekend deal to teach liturgical dance at next year’s Religious Education Conference.

“Our theme next year will be ‘Embrace The Body Motion,’” Conference executive Bill Thompson said this morning. “All our dance lessons and events will focus on how we express our love for Christ by way of bodily gyration.”

The liturgical dance seminars will include more than 300 workshops on a variety of topics ranging from hallelujah hip-thrusting to pelvic praise.

“One of the main issues we want to tackle next year is people simply standing like robots as they pray,” Thompson said. “A number of workshops will also focus on not only what types spandex to wear, but how to get more men involved. We believe Mr. Gosling will be the catalyst to bringing in a fresh crop of men to participate.”

“For the first time next year the conference will include an interactive, multimedia dance experience where people will be able to feel what it’s like to be inside the body of a liturgical dancer,” Thompson concluded. “No one knows the necessity for true praise and worship until they’ve delved deep into the dark abyss of someone who wakes up one day and realizes that they’re putting on tights so that they can go up in front of a bunch of people at church to dance like idiots on the sanctuary of God.”

  • Maggie

    And the dance will honor our mother earth and all of her creation too!

  • susanna

    Nothing enhances a sacred liturgy like spandex at the bursting point. You can hardly take your eyes off of it. Intense!

  • Casper

    Spandex? I thought liturgical dancers always wear flowing white garments…

  • samton909

    I knew that mixup at the Academy Awards was going to cause people to go mental.

  • Hotrod1962

    Can’t wait for the Zumba mass.

  • Brendan Quinn

    Our liturgical dancers are best. They do this little number to the tune of Hans Kung fighting ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhUkGIsKvn0

    (The lyrics were different though).

  • WilliamKernan

    Fortunately spandex has a 50% breaking point. Someone needs to come up w/ lyrics for Hans Kung Fighting