Little Girl Who Attempted To Steal Pope’s “Hat” Arraigned On Felony Charges

March 23, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

The Swiss Guard have arrested Estella Westrick from Atlanta, Georgia for several felony offenses Tuesday after she attempted to steal Pope Francis’ zucchetto in broad daylight.

The three-year-old was arrested on charges including theft, assault on a public figure, and resisting arrest from her father after throwing a temper tantrum.

Just after 12:40 p.m. on Tuesday, the Swiss Guard were forced into action after an assault complaint was made from a visibly shaken Pope Francis. Guards on scene determined the suspect attempted to force the zucchetto behind her back where no one would take it from her. Guards subsequently located the zucchetto in Westrick’s hand and immediately took her into custody.

She was arraigned early this morning, and her bond was set at 50,000 Ave’s. Westrick could face up to 1,000 years in purgatory or possible excommunication.

  • christopherschaefer

    And these charges don’t include the various violations of canon law!

  • Hotrod1962

    Those Swiss Guards are brutal…..reports say they tickled her for five whole minutes to get a full confession.

    • Pooka

      Yes, but did they use the comfy chair? Also, was the stuffing on end?

      • Hotrod1962

        NOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!…..not the COMFY chair !!!!!!!!!

  • disqus_VFYC4t5TnK

    Good one, EOTT! I have always enjoyed the articles here, as I am a seventh-generation satire-sifter, but I am also glad to see the lighter fare of late…topics that aren’t so tragically accurate and/or possibly prophetic. Your best material is that which makes us take a mental step back and say “what the?!?”, but ultimately leaves us comfortably knowing that such a thing would/could never actually happen. Some of the articles over the past year or so have been too much in the realm of “Possible Real News” (about which we have go on defense when people get up in arms over an EOTT article), and not enough “Great Satire That Leaves Us ‘Proud’ To Be Catholic”.

  • bluewindboy81506

    Lock her up!

  • samton909

    The girl’s lawyer has announced she will plead Not Guilty under Amoris Laetitia, footnote 351. Since she is “at peace with God” concerning her crime, she cannot be convicted.

    • DebraBrunsberg

      Yes, she can be convicted AND she may receive the Eucharist.

  • Mary Ann Andersen

    Bet a nickel her Dad put her up to it…you just can’t trust parents anymore.

  • JPC

    Francis reportedly visited the little girl in jail later in the day, saying “OK, so letting the little children come to me didn’t work out so well, but is it not still merciful to visit the imprisoned?”

  • Friar Dismas Sayre, OP

    Don’t forget excommunication reserved to the Holy See for violence upon the person of the pope! 😉