Cohabiting Couple Careful To Observe Fish On Fridays

March 24, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Lent

Local Catholic couple Jenny Barkley and David Rondo, who have been cohabiting for two years with no intention of marrying, announced to friends during lunch today that they would have to stick to fish options due to the Lenten fast.

“I grew up super Catholic,” Barkley said. “My mom would kill me if she found out we weren’t observing the Church’s laws on abstinence…from meat.”

Rondo agreed with his girlfriend, but also said that it went beyond being afraid of letting loved ones down.

“You know, Jenny’s right when she talks about not wanting to let our parents and loved ones down, but you know what, I’ll take it a step further. I’d be more disappointed if I let this guy down,” he said thumping his chest with his thumb, before pointing to the sky and saying, “and that guy too.”

Though they don’t have plans to marry anytime soon, the couple do have big plans for the future, including cohabiting in a bigger apartment in a trendier neighborhood. In the meantime, they’ll keep abstaining from meat on Lenten Fridays.  After all, it’s “a Catholic thing,” as Jenny reminds her co-workers every Friday during Lent.

  • Rose Lincoln

    Hee, hee.

  • Twinkle5

    The sad part about this satire is that every reader could send this to somebody in their immediate family and piss them off.

    • christopherschaefer

      Because all of us know nonpracticing Catholics who disregard virtually everything about the Faith–yet will abstain from meat on Lenten Fridays, get ashes on Ash Wednesday, palms on Palm Sunday, etc. Vestigial remains of a dying Christian culture.

      • Ol’ Qwerty Bastard

        Or it’s our foot in the door

      • non-practicing Catholics are still Bound by canon law whether or not they follow it that’s another question

  • William of Orange

    This is all made up silliness. Anyone who knows people like that also knows that they are almost always vegan, so this would never happen. Also, didn’t the Church drop that whole ‘no co-habiting on Fridays outside of Lent thing?’

    • samton909

      I think most believe the only rule now is: Give up something during lent, like candy, and no abortions on Good Friday.

  • Tesomas

    This satirical piece could be very loosely based on me from a few years ago. Praise the Lord for his grace

  • CHKNeighbor

    “…observing the Church’s laws on abstinence…from meat.” – All sorts of awesomeness.

  • Mariae

    Ahahahahaha
    this is gold. Brilliant.

  • samton909

    That dude in the picture is holding up a piece of the world’s biggest salmon.

  • Lord_of_Atlantis

    NSFW? It’s Lent and I have to look at that racy fish market painting?! 🙂 Great job! This post wouldn’t be nearly as funny without the clever use of the fishmonger painting.

    • Viterbo Fangirl

      Look at the saucy fellow’s expression! He knows what’s about…

    • Casper

      If only it were a cod piece, rather than salmon…

      • Adrian Johnson

        You leave me floundering for a come-back. . . .

    • Thibaud313

      Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

  • It is amusing to consider how others strain out gnats while swallowing camels … but more useful, perhaps, to consider what teachings we treat with great seriousness ourselves … even as we disregard others …

    • samton909

      what if you like camels, but just don’t like the taste of gnats?

      • marunetr

        Do this discourse in your afterlife

        • samton909

          I am

      • Adrian Johnson

        –To smoke ?

    • Guy McClung

      Camels: meat for sure. Gnats? Jenny and David are probably Extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist and teach in both religious ed and RCIA-so there is some good that comes from their selfless example of not eating meat; especially if they live on the coast where seafood is ever so much cheaper than hot dogs. “Swallowing” a camel also brings up the issue of gluttony – how many gnats does that take?

  • SJ Man

    I wonder if they’re using contraception too, like so many Catholic couples, and yet think they are in good standing and able to receive Communion?…..A very true situation in the Catholic world…..

  • This sounds like a joke but I remember explaining to people that cohabiting in normal circumstances is in fact a mortal sin. I had people arguing with me over that I think it should be quite obvious at this point

    • Jacob

      Do you mean grievous sin? I would think that by now, cohabiting persons more than likely don’t “know” the evil of what they are doing. Culturally it’s normal circumstance, as well as being an effect of the most easy sin of lust.

    • Thibaud313

      Yeah I had the same problem trying to explain that cohabiting in normal circumstances is in fact a mortal sin to my buddy, let’s call him Jorge-Mario B.. No, wait, that’s too obvious, let’s call him J.-M. Bergoglio.

  • kag1982

    Ummm. I hate to tell people this but prior to the Council of Trent marriage was not done for the commons. If you were a wealthy Italian merchant, you might have had a blessing at the church door but marriage in a church was a state affair for nobles.

    • samton909

      As usual, completely untrue. It’s amazing the untrue things that liberals tell each other.

      Bishop Ignatius of Antioch, writing around 110 to Bishop Polycarp of Smyrna said, “[I]t becomes both men and women who marry, to form their union with the approval of the bishop, that their marriage may be according to God, and not after their own lust.”

      Tertullian (c. 160 – c. 225) noted as early as the second century that Christians were “requesting marriage” from their priests, and was satisfied (“Ad Uxorem”) how a priestly blessing could transform a sinful act into a sanctified one; provided it was sanctified in moderation and only if children might be born of it.

      With the development of sacramental theology, marriage was included in the select seven to which the term “sacrament” was applied. Explicit classification of marriage in this way came in reaction to the contrary teaching of Catharism that marriage and procreation are evil: the first official declaration that marriage is a sacrament was made at the 1184 Council of Verona as part of a condemnation of the Cathars.

      The Fourth Lateran Council of 1215 had already stated in response to the teaching of the Cathars: “For not only virgins and the continent but also married persons find favour with God by right faith and good actions and deserve to attain to eternal blessedness.” Marriage was also included in the list of the seven sacraments at the Second Council of Lyon in 1274 as part of the profession of faith required of Michael VIII Palaiologos

      The first available written detailed account of a Christian wedding in the West dates only from the 9th century and appears to be identical to the old nuptial service of Ancient Rome

      The Ninth century was the point at which Europe became almost exclusively Christian. So, it arrives riight around when Christianity did.

      • Thibaud313

        Yeah, the liberal/modernist history of the Church reminds me of the “Four Yorkshiremen” sketch by Monty Python :

        “Jesus’ divinity was never dreamed of before Constantin!”

        “Think that’s bad? Priest celibacy wasn’t invented until the 12th century!”

        “Oh that’s nothing. Marriage wasn’t invented until the Council of Trent!”

        “The Council of Trent? You were lucky! Catholics were not allowed to read the Bible, under penalty of torture, before Vatican II!”

        “And you try and tell the young people of today that ….. they won’t believe you!”

    • Thibaud313

      And baptism was actually only introduced in the 1930’s as a publicity stunt by the Milka Corporation to advertise new brands of chocolate candy.

      Very few people know that. I myself only learned about it yesterday.

      • kag1982

        Eyes rolled. No baptism was obviously part of the early church but marriage wasn’t definitively defined as a Sacrament until the 16th century. Why don’t you actually learn something for once?

        • carpenter

          Often, the definitive definition of a doctrine just codifies what has always been held to be true by Catholics.

        • Thibaud313

          Prove it.
          And I don’t mean your made-up claim about marriage, that’s obviously BS (samton909 demonstrated it 2 posts above), I mean my totally real claim about the Milka Corporation. My friends, we cannot hide the truth any longer. Let us punish the guilty, let us reward the innocents. Can you prove it didn’t happen?

          • Heinz

            So the first baptisms were performed by lila cows?

            I guess the original vows also said:
            Cow: “Do you resist all his temptations?”
            Answer: “All, but for the most tender temptation since the invention of chocolate.”

  • jusoh

    Jesus never force anyone but the measure you give is the measure you receive so to speak. Just like the case of Lazarus and the rich man.

  • Thomas Zabiega

    I remember a guy in college who had no problems with sleeping around but would not eat meat on Fridays even outside of Lent, because “he is a good Catholic.” Well at least he was better than another college buddy who told me “I am a Catholic. But I don’t believe in God.”