Parish Council Places Severed Horse Head On Pastor’s Bed As A Warning

March 28, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Horse

Local pastor Fr. Richard Woltz woke up beside the severed head of his prize thoroughbred this morning after refusing a request from parish council leader Vito Cangialosi to allow his godson to participate as an altar boy at the upcoming Easter Vigil.

An anonymous source told EOTT that just days after Cangialosi’s godson, Anthony Fontane, asked his godfather to pressure Fr. Woltz into giving him altar boy duties, Cangialosi sent parish council representative Ronald Hagen to the rectory  to “reason with Fr. Woltz.”

“I was very sad that Fr. Woltz would not place little Anthony on the altar boy sign-up sheet,” Hagen told EOTT. “I was very calm, told him I was a big fan of his Masses, which is true, but he just turned and called me a ‘council wop greaseball goombah.’ Not even sure what half that means.”

Several reports say that Fr. Woltz still refused to place Fontane on the altar boy sign-up sheet even after Hagan’s visit, because Fontane “made a mess of the Christmas Vigil,” most likely referring to the now infamous “2015 thurible incident” in which 13 parishioners were severely injured.

Fr. Waltz told EOTT his side of the story, saying “You don’t understand. Anthony Fontane never gets that Mass. That Mass is perfect for him. It’ll make him a big star in the acolyte world. I’m gonna run him out of this church. And let me tell you why. Anthony Fontane ruined one of potential future seminarians. For three years we had him under contract…chant lessons, liturgical dance lessons, homily lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of the church’s donations. I was gonna make him a big star. He would’ve been all over EWTN after his ordination. He threw it all away because he became friend’s with little Anthony.”

  • samton909

    I still have scars from the 2015 thurible incident. It took months to get all the pieces of incense out of my nose.

  • VeilOfTiers

    Clickbait!

    You tease us with the headline (no pun intended) and the photo of the horse and then…nothing about him.

    Just plain and simple clickbait. No better than the shocking Ellen ad on your page!

    • Joe Cole

      It’s a satire website

      • VeilOfTiers

        New here, are ya?

        • Richardson McPhillips

          I’m still trying to figure out what happened to Ellen. Did she switch teams?

  • Twinkle5

    Chant is always a feather in your cap, but throw some liturgical dancing in there, and you have a leathal and compelling combination.

    • Casper

      A rare combination indeed. I think this is more of a “burning bowl of incense” parish community, rather than a thurible community.

  • Thibaud313

    I can’t help but notice that the parody starts to disintegrate by the end. Unless EOTT wanted to imply the same kind of relationship between Fr. Waltz and the seminarian as between Jack Woltz and the actress.

    Still ” and called me a ‘council wop greaseball goombah.’ Not even sure what half that means”. Hilarious.

  • Mary Ann Andersen

    Priceless!

  • PJParks

    This is some funny stuff.

  • Frank Hammond

    Altar Boy? when is the last time you have seen a male Mass server? Every Parish I attend has all girls as servers. Plus all lectors, ushers, etc. are all women.

  • Hotrod1962

    Take the communion hosts…..leave the cannolis

    • MamaFactotum

      AHHHAAAHAHAHAAA! Well played! My daughter is looking at me, asking what’s so funny 😛

  • Guy McClung

    EOTT you blew it! The council is PASTORAL, not a mere “parish” council. These people are not like, they are shepherds. And PASTORAL explains perfectly the what, how and why of the use of the horse head as a sacramental. If you will just think of the definition of a sacramental, you will get it. And then no doubt you will immediately think of the sacramental of the other end of the horse and its use in fraternal correction. Guy McClung, San Antonio, Texas

    • VeilOfTiers

      Pretty dangerous–letting THEM know in which city you can be found.

      • Guy McClung

        That’s why I am so careful and sensitive, trying not to offend anyone or invade their safe spaces. Even paranoids are followed sometimes – but since I am thoughtful, I never offend them. Guy McClung, San Antonio TX [ps-what if I’m lying?]

  • Greg Walker

    Reminds me of the time I became quite incensed (lol) by a story from an acquaintance relating an experience where he had “picked up a nice thurifer” in an antique shop. He meant thurible, I think. I hope.

    • samton909

      A Thurifer is Lucifer’s thurible.

  • MamaFactotum

    The “thurible incident” has me flashing back to Friday Stations of the Cross in grade school. Every Lent, at least one altar boy went down like a bag of rocks under the incense. God bless our pastor, but he loaded that sucker with like 6 scoops of incense!

    • Richardson McPhillips

      I know. I had a dozen grade 10 boys one Sunday for the “family Mass”. It was very cold outside and they apparently didn’t take their sweaters off before putting albs on. Went down like a row of dominos.

  • Thomas Zabiega

    A typical American post. In Polish parishes in Poland and the U.S. you can have 50 altar boys (never girls) serving in one Mass and no one cares, because there is no sign up sheet, you just show up 15 minutes before Mass (here in the U.S. you have 50 extraordinary ministers of Communion instead, who make Communion 10 times longer than if the priest gave Communion to everyone himself). And in Poland the little kid would have his ear pulled by the priest, which would have made this satire even funnier.

    • Karolina

      Witamy Polsce. We are still trying to understand ,,vocations crisis” 😉