Altar Boy with Napkin May Have Missed Germ Or Two During Veneration

April 17, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Veneration of the Cross


An altar boy is under investigation this week after several sources at St. John the Baptist Catholic Church reported witnessing a “mark” that looked “a lot like lipstick” left on the crucifix that was being used for veneration during Good Friday services.

According to an altar boy who was assisting the young man, pressure was unlike anything he’s witnessed in his tenure as Second in Command Candle Bearer.

“It was a deluge of saliva-coated lips. After a while [the parishioners] began to look like zombies, walking slowly, tripping over themselves as they reached out to touch and kiss the cross. But the accused is the best relic and cross wiper this side of the Mississippi. I wouldn’t have had anyone else standing by my side.”

Pastor of St. John the Baptist Catholic Church Fr. Thomas Winston confirmed that the altar server was “ under a lot of pressure,” but said there was no way “one of his guys” left a germ.

In a statement to the press this morning, Winston said, “All the altar servers were under a lot of pressure. The amount of pressure this time of the year is intense even for the most seasoned altar. With that said, we only recruit the best altar servers, and each of them undergo SEAL training just for this type of pressure.”

A statement from the diocese put out this morning asked that anyone who noticed that they had an itchy throat, cough, or fever after venerating that particular cross to get in contact with the diocese as soon as possible.

  • FatherWagner

    I get around this by spraying the faithful directly in the face with Lysol just before they get to the front of the line.

    • parishioner ordinaire

      Well, judging by some of the “faithful” in my parish, the Holy Spirit could use a little assist in the sanctification process.

  • Heinz

    Why not have a tiny individual cross to kiss for each parishioner like they do with tiny individual cups for the blood of Christ?

    But seriously, where I grew up the main adoration consisted in genuflecting before the cross and maybe touching the feet with a hand. But now 98% kissed either the wood of the statue or of the cross, not bothering to genuflect. Instead there was this weird diagonal yoga pose to adjust the height to the position of the cross.
    Not that I’m judging or anything. I’m just not a person who kisses the photograph of a loved one, so I also don’t kiss the statue of a Loved One.

    • DebraBrunsberg

      ADORATION OF THE CROSS. A PLENARY INDULGENCE to those who in solemn liturgical action of Good Friday devoutly assist in at the adoration of the Cross and kiss it. 🙂

      • Pooka

        Never knew you had to kiss it. I’ve always genuflected and made the Sign of the Cross (never had a priest tell me I was incorrect so I had no way of knowing). I noticed this year most kissed the Cross whereas in years past, it was about 50-50.

    • VeilOfTiers

      I have never seen individual cups of the Precious Blood offered in a Catholic Church. Is that a new trend or something they are bringing back because it was said to have been an ancient tradition?

      • HermitTalker

        That’s USA Protestant practice- grape juice and cracker bits. NEVER WAS AN ANCIENT PRACTICE, Words of Institution and Paul on one bread one cup.

      • Heinz

        I never meant to say that it were a catholic practice. I have also seen it only in a lutheran church and found it silly.
        So silly in fact, that I found it suitable for this page. 🙂

    • HermitTalker

      You Anglo-Saxons are incapable of hot-blooded devotional involvement. That’s why the Hoy Spirit gave us this touchy-feely kissing Pope.

  • HermitTalker

    Those busybodies racing fore efficiency who provide several little crucifixes are issing the point. The ritual calls for venerating the WOOD OF THE CROSS ON WHICH HUNG THE SALVATION OF THE WORLD. Not kissing the Crucifix.

  • Rosemary Anderson

    Why was an altar boy detailed for this?They should have known to assign such a sensitive task to girls only. I mean, as everyone knows, girls are remarkably maternal, and this includes being the best at housework, uh, cleaning.

    • Heinz

      There are also more female sanitarians, ehm, I mean saints.

  • samton909

    At our welcoming church, we had a committee look into this. As a result, we now distribute, direct to parishioners homes, a small picture of a crucifix imprinted on a baggie. The baggie is coated with a fungicide. Parishioners are instructed never to come to church, since that is a health hazard. Instead they are to kiss the baggie, deposit it in the supplied throw away lead lined container, and then ask the Lord to smite all Pharisees that differ with us.

  • susanna

    Why were extraordinary ministers of sanitation not helping? The ones who sanitize their hands before distributing communion. They could have smeared that stuff on the wood, no problems. Altar boys off the hook.