Attention Whore Kneels To Receive Communion

April 21, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Paterm

Image: Paterm

Parishioners in the Southwest Indiana confirmed today that new parishioner Adriana Lambert is nothing more than a holier-than-thou, attention seeking parasite after she was seen kneeling to receive communion.
According to several eyewitnesses, 32-year-old Lambert, who was also seen wearing a mantilla “like some wanna be nun who didn’t have the guts to commit to the religious life” walked up to Fr. Kevin O’Donnell to receive the Body and Blood of Christ, and proceeded to kneel, though she clearly had seen no one else kneel.
“It was just pathetic if you want my opinion” said Fr. O’Donnell. “She came up for communion and knelt. I remember bending down to remind her that we weren’t in the middle ages anymore, but she insisted. Normally, I would’ve denied her communion right then and there for committing the mortal sins of pride and vanity, but I gave her communion just in case she didn’t know that kneeling for communion when no one else does makes you an attention whore who’s clearly in need of validation.”
After examining cell phone footage from the Mass, parish council representative Lauren Phillips said that Lambert was also seen not holding hands with the people next to her during the Our Father “as if she was better than them.”
“I guess that’s what really grinds my gears,” Phillips told EOTT. “Who the hell does she think she is? Coming into our church and just keeping to herself, as though her communion with Jesus is more important than her communion with us. We are church. We are the mystical body. And it sadly appears that this mystical body has a cancer.”
At press time, Fr. O’Donnell has announced in his weekly newsletter that he would be meeting with Lambert to discuss the situation, and that if she did not cease her pathetic display of narcissism, she would be excommunicated from the parish.

  • Alex Smith

    I thought this was meant to be satire…

    • Jenn Erich

      That’s why it’s funny, because it’s so close to the truth!

    • Hilary White

      it is satire, but it’s not remotely funny

      • Bernard_Morris

        I understand what you mean, I had a friend standing to receive communion on the tongue, and the priest told her in an “assertive” way “hands please”. It was madding, I had little respect for that priest after that. But whats much worse… he has now stood before our Lord in Judgement… we’ll have to wait to see how he did.

        • More Tea Vicar?

          No doubt Church Militant will be there, microphone in hand, to bring us the latest from the Throne of Judgement.

          • Rose Lincoln

            Ouch!

        • olhg1

          I’ve heard of outrageous incidents, and come across one or two, like the priest asking a communicant-with everyone around-“are you in the state of grace”? before giving the guy Holy Communion. I wouldn’t have believed it unless I saw and heard it all.

  • rehctawtop

    Attention whore puts whore and communion in same headline.

    • rehctawtop

      All the same, I chuckled at the cancer part.

  • PJParks

    I think this was kind of a stretch for humor.

    • Netmilsmom

      What humor?
      I thought they were now reporting actual news.

      • Christine Hebert

        LOL

      • More Tea Vicar?

        There’s many a true word said or written in jest … especially here!

  • Michael L. Peterson

    Why are people so interested in what she is doing? Shouldn’t they be focusing on making their thanksgiving following reception of Holy Communion? 🙂 Hmm?? 🙂

    • Raguel

      No they should all be standing and singing the song, for the sake of unity. God forbid anyone kneel down and pray after receiving Him.

  • Dorothy

    ROFL! . “Who the hell does she think she is? Coming into our church and just keeping to herself, as though her communion with Jesus is more important than her communion with us. We are church. We are the mystical body. And it sadly appears that this mystical body has a cancer.” I am slain.

  • I love EOTT – I’m always amazed at how intelligently and precisely they cut to the heart of issues like these. And humorously! The humor part is especially important, and people are often receptive to it that wouldn’t otherwise be. And then the hope is that later on they will be receptive to more serious calls for reverent liturgy like these: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHM70uysCdg

  • That moment when satire is basically true….

  • Pete Salazar Pelayo

    Hard to find the humour… if you minister in prisons.

  • If there is the option to kneel I do as I take by mouth not hand – taking by hand & kneeling could be display

  • susanna

    People were gawking, even speechless in the communion line. The bishop does not approve of this kind of thing. That’s him over there in the pretty rainbow sash.

    • John Ritter

      Counting the money…

      • Hotrod1962

        You mean Count de Monet.

  • samton909

    She should get it through her head – the mass is about being part of a group of people who all want to make THE SAME elaborate displays in front of people. These elaborate, dramatic displays express our deep NEED to make elaborate displays in front of people. But we have to make THE SAME elaborate displays in front of people, or it is ruined. You know, like the North Koreans. That’s what makes us good Christians, is that need to make THE SAME elaborate, public displays in front of people. It’s supposed to be like a Broadway musical, you know? One person going their own way throws the whole thing off.

  • Penitent

    That’s me!

  • Twinkle5

    There is nothing worse than being excommunicated from your parish.

  • Hotrod1962

    I usually sit next to a guy who always wears a jacket and tie for Saturday 4PM mass. Come on…it’s Saturday afternoon…I still have grass clippings in my hair from mowing the lawn. Really makes everyone look bad. To make matters worse, he actually sings loudly all of the songs. There are three songbooks and by the time I actually find the song to sing…..the song is over. But no, this guy has all the songs lined up.
    I think I may have Father talk to this guy.

  • HermitTalker

    Priests ”s comments outta line. Cannot formally excommunicate Entire story bizarrely in-satirical. Jenn below very judgemental. Susanna and John way overboard Stick to satire or lose clients.

    • samton909

      Yes, you can formally excommunicate an entire story. It was done to “The Gift of the Magi” in 1910. Hermit Talker below very overboard way judgmental.

      • HermitTalker

        Sorry santon I did not understand your comment. “Snow again, I missed your drift.”

  • LX5000

    Clearly, this ‘kneeler’ needs sensitivity training where she’ll learn about social justice, global warming and Francismercy.

    • Hotrod1962

      Betcha she’s one of those people who go to confession once a week…like she’s a big sinner or something.

  • Scott G Slanda

    She consulted her internal forum, and decided kneeling was appropriate.
    Hey, if adulterers can receive the Sacrament, why not her?

  • olhg1

    Yeah, the Gospels say that Jesus met and ate with sinners and publicans. But the image of “WHORE” joined to the ciboria is the worst. Like putting a crucifix in a jar of urine. Shame.