Swiss Guard Wondering Where The Hell All The Action Is

April 26, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image:gnuckx

Image:gnuckx

 

New member of the Swiss Guard Leon Habsburg has reportedly made a formal complaint to Commander of the Pontifical Swiss Guard Christoph Graf this morning requesting more action.

“I grew up playing Call of Duty,” Habsburg told EOTT near the entrance to the Sistine Chapel. “I got so good at it that I found that I had the expertise, the poise and confidence to pray my rosary for the Pope while risking my many lives in Modern Warfare.”

That’s when, as Habsburg went on to explain, he thought about bringing his militaristic skill, drive, and determination to the Vatican to help serve and protect the Pope.

“After a grueling process of interviews, background checks, and spiritual boot camp, I was in. My dream came true. Here’s the problem…I’ve been in for two years now and nothing has happened. Sure, there’s the occasional pilgrim who gets a little too excited and I’m forced to take action by gently pressing them back into the crowd and secretly tasing them just enough that they pee themselves a little, but there’s never anything major. It’s bull crap.”

Habsburg also vented his frustration that his sword has yet to see the field of battle or had an opportunity to quench its insatiable thirst for the blood of heretics and infidels in honor of Christendom.

“I’m strapped and have never been able to use any of my weapons. My sword is unblemished and so are all seven of the daggers I keep hidden in my uniform. At this very moment, I’m literally strapped with my sword, daggers, three guns tucked in several locations, two grenades, a crossbow, a spear, whip, flail, lance, quarterstaff, musket, and my faithful battle axe. I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go.”

  • Steven Bremer

    Tasing until they pee a little…LOL

  • What, no standard issue halbert hidden in there?

  • Cminor

    EOTT meets Duffel Blog! Woohoo!

  • susanna

    Just try proselytizing some of those pilgrims soldier. You’ll see some action. Swiss Guard Lives Matter! SGLM!

  • Monk

    Sounds like a developing case of Papal Traumatic Stress Disorder.

  • KevinToTheHeights

    Fear not, Leon. The Muslim invaders will be marching on the Vatican soon enough.

    • Casper

      They might want some better protection around the neck, not just that little fancy ruff.

  • samton909

    Just wait until Trump makes himself Pope, too. Then you will see action.

  • parishioner ordinaire

    Leon, you are looking in the wrong direction, the attacks are coming from the Curia, not the pilgrims. Tase away!

  • HermitTalker

    The guards in black suits do the real Pope Protection. The Michelangelo Men are just decorations.

  • HermitTalker

    THE ENTIRE ITALIAN ARMED FORCES AND ROMEPOLICE PROTECT THE VATICAN. GREAT MONEY MAKER FOR ROME AND ITALY REGARDELESSS OF JESUS OR CHURCH

    • samton909

      JESUS WAS A CAPRICORN, HE ATE ORGANIC FOOD. HE BELIEVED IN PEACE AND LOVE AND NEVER WORE NO SHOES.

      • HermitTalker

        Never wore no shoes- contradiction in terms. Not sure if he was shod. Capricorn, no one knows what month he was born. They did not have organic food then. Of course it was possible since bad additives were not around then. Monsanto was a late comer

        • Monk

          Despite the logic of your response, HT, samton’s tactical use of overwhelming uppercase demands deference.

          • HermitTalker

            Totally agree. Life’s too short to fight with another believer

  • AuthenticBioethics

    Perhaps there will be a little more action than he’d like, once the rage and indignation build the next time there’s a speaking event at the Vatican with headliner Cardinal Burke. Or Leon can transfer to be a security guard at Berkeley.

  • marisfan009

    I have to assume Swiss “Guardsman” Habsburg was off-duty when the Vatican police was called on to raid the sex and drug-fueled party at Cardinal Coccopalmerio’s residence / office at the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith.

  • HermitTalker

    Does anyone else cringe at the sex-obsessed real, fake or imagined sexual sins reported from the Vatican? I call it voyeurism/