Swiss Guard Wondering Where The Hell All The Action Is

April 26, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican




New member of the Swiss Guard Leon Habsburg has reportedly made a formal complaint to Commander of the Pontifical Swiss Guard Christoph Graf this morning requesting more action.

“I grew up playing Call of Duty,” Habsburg told EOTT near the entrance to the Sistine Chapel. “I got so good at it that I found that I had the expertise, the poise and confidence to pray my rosary for the Pope while risking my many lives in Modern Warfare.”

That’s when, as Habsburg went on to explain, he thought about bringing his militaristic skill, drive, and determination to the Vatican to help serve and protect the Pope.

“After a grueling process of interviews, background checks, and spiritual boot camp, I was in. My dream came true. Here’s the problem…I’ve been in for two years now and nothing has happened. Sure, there’s the occasional pilgrim who gets a little too excited and I’m forced to take action by gently pressing them back into the crowd and secretly tasing them just enough that they pee themselves a little, but there’s never anything major. It’s bull crap.”

Habsburg also vented his frustration that his sword has yet to see the field of battle or had an opportunity to quench its insatiable thirst for the blood of heretics and infidels in honor of Christendom.

“I’m strapped and have never been able to use any of my weapons. My sword is unblemished and so are all seven of the daggers I keep hidden in my uniform. At this very moment, I’m literally strapped with my sword, daggers, three guns tucked in several locations, two grenades, a crossbow, a spear, whip, flail, lance, quarterstaff, musket, and my faithful battle axe. I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go.”