Head Of Vatican Secret Archives Enjoys Muttering Cryptic Half-Sentences Just To Mess With People’s Heads

May 4, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican



Head of Vatican Secret Archives Monsignor Luigi Alfresco admitted to close friends today that he often passes the time during private archive tours muttering cryptic things to himself to mess with people’s heads.

“I’ve been giving these private tours for new cardinals for 43 years,” Alfresco told EOTT. “I can do them in my sleep, so now, just to keep myself from falling asleep during a tour, I’ll begin muttering random things to myself. Sometimes I’ll open a book in the archives and a folded letter that I placed in the book the night before will fall out. Then I unfold the letter and begin frantically saying, ‘No, this…this cannot be. How can it be when Pope Peter II has yet to be elect…’ and I just stop there and ask them to forgive me, and that the tour is now over.”

Alfresco went on to say that after every tour, he begs the cardinals to “under no circumstance” repeat anything they saw or heard during the tour before frantically running away.

Alfresco also told a story of when he first took then Cardinal Jorge Borgoglio on his first tour of the Secret Archives.

“Oh man, he nearly crapped his cassock. There we were, just me and him, and I fall to the ground and grasp my head…then I begin muttering something about the Martian Rite Catholic bishop finding out about ‘the plans.’ He looked so worried and he kneeled over to ask what was wrong and what was happening. I said, ‘Forget it, it was nothing! I’ve said too much already. They’re coming! We must leave this place at once!'”


  • christopherschaefer

    Well, this post certainly is the most…

  • Greg Walker

    Luigi Alfresco! Martian Rite! Hilarious.

  • Rose Lincoln


  • Casper

    Wait – – Monsignor Luigi knows about the plans? And he told Francis?! This explains a lot…

  • Hotrod1962

    I loved it when he took Cardinal Wojtyla on his tour, opened up an old book, and unpaid bill for the Last Supper fell out.
    He spent the next two minutes muttering “uh…two thousand years….uh compound interest…..uh…..uh….”.

    • Ralph Warth

      White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced today that the Trump administration has obtained the authentic third Secret of Fatima, which reportedly details the fake news contained in the other third secret of Fatima.

      “According to President Trump, at around noon today, the a nun entrusted him with the secret,” Spicer told the Fatima Crusader. “The President read the secret and sealed it in the envelope I am now holding up, and that it is not to be opened until later on in this year of destiny .”

      According to one official close to the President, the third secret involves the Vatican, Russia, North Korea, Syria, Islamic immigration, and the “start date” of World War III. It also outlines how Rome is going to be the seat of the anti-Christ as also predicted by Sister Faustina. The secret reveals that the Catholic Church will never fail, but the leaders of the church will lead the members into error and heresy.

      Spicer later went on to say that “Though I can’t go over all the specific details regarding how the President came into possession of the third secret, Spicer related that a nun of the Sister Lucia Carmelite convent of Santa Teresa in Coimbra, had made a copy of the secret that sister Lucia showed her. I can say that it is true that he did indeed receive it, and that it’s by far the best and most successful of all the other secrets, and in fact, more people have wanted to hear the details about his secret than any other secret anyone has ever had in the history of the world.”

  • samton909

    I’m pretty sure that it was Pope Francis who is a Martian Rite bishop.

    • Casper


  • SJ Man

    So that explains a lot……..

  • VeilOfTiers

    I downloaded a sample of the Kindle edition of a recent novel that opens in the depths of the Vatican library. A priest is buried in a pile of books and finds something.

    “He looked about to ensure no one was watching, carefully folded his fragile prize into squares, and slipped it into his vestment pocket; he could study it later, safe from the prying eyes of others.”

    I guess I should download the whole book to find out why he was wearing vestments in the library.

    And I learned something! I did not know that priestly vestments had pockets!

    • KJL

      Based on that stream of “details”, I am wondering if the author was named after a color… Dan Black? No, White? not quite? Oh Brown perhaps?