Loser Still Using Last Year’s Rosary Model

May 18, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life



43-year-old Arnold Corea told friends last night that, though he was shamefully still using last year’s rosary model, he planned to upgrade this fall when the new Rosary Pro 7 was released.

“The thing is is that I’m still under contract with my rosary, and though it doesn’t have all the bells and whistles the newer model has, it still does the job,” he said, going on to defend himself saying that his older model still gets him from “A to Heaven.”

The soon to be released 32GB Rosary Pro 7 is rumored to have a 1-inch Retina Crucifix with thinner Our Father beads, OLED touch panels on each Hail Mary bead, and Touch ID functionality so that no one, but the owner can pray with it.

“I’m really excited,” Corea said, sadly looking at his trash rosary. “I can’t wait to throw it away or trade it in. Whenever I see my friend’s rosary, it’s like…how have I gone so long without an update, you know? Look at this relic…the beads don’t have the glass body that the new ones do…it doesn’t have the wireless charging. I even hear that the batteries in the new model won’t make the rosary explode, which is a nice touch.”

The new Rosary Pro 7, which is slated to be released this October at just under $900, is also rumored to have a 3.5MM headphone jack as well as a selfie camera to snap pictures of yourself while praying so that you can quickly upload them to social media.

  • FatherWagner

    I’m so glad there’s headphone jack though…. How else am I supposed to receive private revelations?

    • James M. Hahn

      Still waiting impatiently for a camera model to capture that perfect kneeling selfie or apparition.

    • Okay Fr., that was hilarious.

  • samton909

    The Rosary Pro 7 is not needed. Why, when I was a kid, we had 80 pound rosaries made out of pig iron that we used to carry back and forth the five miles to Catholic school. The Crucifix on the end was life size. We used the little medal thing for a dinner plate. Talk about the Sorrowful mysteries, they were real to us. And our scapulars were made out of full size gunny sacks.

    • Eric

      I remember when some of my parent’s wealthier friends had Rosaries in their cars. They’d cruise around, praying away, and everyone would be so envious of their little antennas attached to their rear windows…

    • JFarinholt

      You only had to walk five miles?

      • ericdijon

        it was uphill both ways, dontchaknow.

        • James F.

          In the snow?

  • HermitTalker

    Support the throw-away economy and culture. Buy more rosaries made out of paper . We need the trash. Plastic piles up on beautiful beaches,

    • samton909

      I like your new haiku style.

    • Howard

      Better yet, get an organic, edible rosary. The crucifix is made of celery; the Our Father beads are Brussels sprouts; the Hail Mary beads are garbanzo beans; and it’s all held together by bean sprouts. We’re trying to get permission from the bishops for this not to break the Eucharistic fast.

  • Twinkle5

    Also included is a miniature hovering piety drone that rapid fires pictures when it senses a tear stained face pointing in the direction of heaven. Rapid fire pictures will document either your “holier than thou” piety or apparent apparition which will immediately be sent to Vatican for pope Francis’ approval.

    • HermitTalker

      Pope has INCOMING DRONE INTERCEPTION DEVICE to keep papal BULL out of Vatican enclave. SWISS GUARDS on guard to keep certain cardinals and self-proclaimed infallible anti=popes from choking on it.

  • Hotrod1962

    That explains why the Devil endorsed Samsung Model 55W Rosary. They do catch on fire a lot, don’t they?

  • Rita Mauget Ban

    I found a rosary for my son but didn’t test drive it; he however found it was missing a few beads and coined the phrase, a few beads short of a full rosary…

  • Marco Lardo

    If I weren’t afraid it might be somehow sacrilegious, I always wanted to have a “Spinal Tap” rosary made– one with 11 beads per decade:
    “You know, I get a lot of graces from praying the Rosary.”
    “Yeah, but I get more graces than you. Mine goes up to eleven.”

  • I feel like this is a “take that” to Apple snobs. Good!

  • HermitTalker

    My Pentecost Novena will include prayers for all who did not get the actual Third Secret of Fatima that was not exclusively about the Pope being shot but the millions of Catholic martyrs, general rejection of Jesus. Possible Democrats, Obama and Hillary ass-whooping and Trump’s Catholic wife getting her rosary blessed by Francis Bishop of Rome. And a senior cardinal telling Ray Bourke – you were booted. Get over it.