USCCB Announces Plans To Come Out With Dark, Gritty Reboot Of The Mass

June 9, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life



In an effort to attract more young people, the USCCB announced today that they will begin working on a dark, gruesome, and gritty reboot of the Novus Ordo.

Speaking with EOTT, Bishop Robert Lombardo, who came up with the idea for the reboot, said that they hope to begin saying the new Mass beginning next fall.

“Right now we’re just beginning to work on the new translation, which we’re tentatively calling ‘The Mass: Rise of the Godman.’”

Lombardo also went on to explain that the reboot would skew more towards gritty priests and deacons and away from the smiling and happy priest and deacon that we’ve become accustomed to seeing.

“These days young adults are spending so much of their time and money watching dark movie reboots, so there’s no reason why we can’t do that within the context of the Mass. To say to someone in their 20’s and 30’s, ‘Hey, you enjoyed that gritty and gruesome movie last night, now come to Mass and enjoy the complete opposite of what you loved last night,’ is absurd. We have to give them what they want is what it boils down to.”

Gotham bishop Leonard Kelly told EOTT that the bishops also discussed a reboot for all the sacraments, including Confirmation, which will be called The Sacrament of the Blood Oath, Anointing of the Sick, which will be called The Sacrament of Bodily Annihilation, and Matrimony, which will be called The Sacrament of Mental Annihilation.

We also plan to change the vestments so that they’re simply red mantles and hoods, with the red symbolizing blood, all the blood Christ spilled for our transgressions.

At press time, Kelly has cryptically stated that it is time for the youth to heed the calling of the Light, saying “You either die a saint or live long enough to see yourself become the devil,” before throwing the hood over his head and leaping off the top of a church spire.

  • Joe Cole

    gotta keep it relevant! new! improved! with the times!

    I guess so

  • FatherWagner

    Instead of bells at the consecration it will be “Inception” BWAAAAAAAA’s

  • samton909

    Available on Netflix and Amazon Prime.

  • Dayna Payton Janssens

    This is hilarious. One of the best EOTTs yet.

  • christopherschaefer

    Pope Benedict expressed the hope that the 2 forms of the Roman Rite would enrich each other. With that in mind and to appeal to younger Catholics, at the Solemn High Traditional Latin Mass I attend every Sunday morning, each time the priest turns around to sing “Dominus vobiscum”, he smiles and gives a high five. The deacon does likewise when he sings the “Ite, missa est”. The latter in particular has everyone leaving Mass feeling rather warm and fuzzy inside.

    • sixlittlerabbits

      Shows truth is stranger than satire. EWWW!

      • christopherschaefer

        Or satire is–satire….

  • I’m all in on those new vestments.

  • Kraken

    Tats on priests. Lots of Tats. And Cutting. Call it T&C. That should bring in the masses…

  • JBQ21

    There are no “transgressions”. There are only victims of the environment. Christ is no longer needed. The Crucifixion is outdated. Here in St. Louis, the crosses are coming down in the churches and being replaced with murals of the Resurrection.

    • Casper

      Oh – – I though they’d be replaced with some nice Islamic calligraphy…

      • JBQ21

        You may laugh but that is coming next. Mosques are little more than meeting halls. Catholic churches are moving in that direction. — I went to Mass at the Church where I started my high school religious experience. The order has the parish, Vincentian by the way. About a year ago, the priest preached that the meeting hall next door was just as holy as the church. I looked around and there was no sanctuary. —–Before Mass, Communion carriers went up to the tabernacle and dealt hosts like playing cards. During the Mass, there were constant little groups conversing throughout the church.—- The topping was when the pastor preached on the “prodigal son”. This was an opera in Chicago where Rudolph Nuryev played the lead role. At the end, he was hugged and forgiven. The sermon was more than obvious on the gay allusion.

  • LX5000

    And, receiving communion on the tongue while kneeling, is out of the effing question.

  • Monk

    And the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation will include some “penances” brought back from the good ol’ days of the Inquisition.
    Your penance is 20 minutes on the rack, my son.

  • parishioner ordinaire

    We could just have the scourging scene in “The Passion” playing on a loop in the vestibule

  • Casper

    Maybe we could even, I don’t know, bring back black vestments? Like, for funerals? Maybe that whole “dies irae” thing? Latin is pretty dark, right?