Swiss Guard To Modernize Uniforms To Hipster Jeans And Beanies

August 4, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life



It was announced today that the Swiss Guard’s uniform will be changed to a more modern hipster look.

Pontifical Swiss Guard Commandant Daniel Anrig told Guards gathered at the annual When Do We Get To See Some Action Jamboree that the traditional “uniform” worn by the Knights will be replaced so as to be more appealing to millennials.

Instead of the well-known European Renaissance-style uniform, the average member of the Swiss Guard will be wearing a pair of skinny jeans, a beanie, and a leather jacket “no matter how hot the temperature gets in Rome,” Anrig said. Anrig did not specify whether swords would be replaced with scarfs or whether they would be replaced with pens in case “the muse strikes and gives them the inspiration to write the next Infinite Jest.”

“I have decided that the time is right for a modernization of the Swiss Guard Uniform,” Anrig said. “From now on, along with skinny jeans, beanies, and leather jackets, the preferred dress for the Guard will include v-necks or flannel shirts, vintage sneakers, bow ties, and black squared frames for glasses whether Guards wear prescription glasses or not.”

Swiss Guard David Adank told EOTT via a shrug of the shoulders this morning that, though a little bit nervous and hesitant about the change, he welcomes it with open, sarcastic arms.

“Whatever,” Adank went on to say before departing to an undisclosed coffee shop.

Another member of the Swiss Guard, Toby Caspari, told EOTT that he was worried that he would be expelled from the Guard since he struggles growing a proper mustache.

“I guess it’s the mandatory mustache that I’m most afraid of,” Caspari said. “I’ve never really been able to grow one, and all everyone’s talking about is what type of “stache wax” to use. Whatever, maybe I’ll use a fake. I trust the commandant’s judgment. I think skinny jeans really helps to show a striking, imitative image of Christ because he was kind of a hipster in his own way. He too didn’t care what people thought. But at the same time, he wanted people to notice him, but at the same time not notice him, if you know what I’m saying. You know what I’m saying?


  • christopherschaefer

    The original Swiss Guard uniform was designed by then-contemporary artist Michelangelo. Before making a final decision about their new uniform, I hope the Guards will consider getting some ideas from a now-contemporary, 21st century artist, such as Ewa Juszkiewicz. You can see some inspiring examples of her work here: I personally thing that including feathers on the man-scarf would make the transition a bit less jarring.

    • Rose Lincoln


  • Hotrod1962

    Definitely saw this coming when the popular Swiss Guard bar, Angelos, started stocking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

  • William of Orange

    I really think this is a mistake. Skinny jeans are fine. But, if they fail to balance those with the lumberjack shirt (red/black preferably), then they miss the mark. It would make the transition so much more smooth.

    Mountaineering boots would hint of action and tradition.

    The sword gets replaced by an axe which is both a ceremonial weapon and a tool that pays homage to Christ, the carpenter.

    The head covering can be either a heavy cable-knit toque or a matching red and black newsboy hat. The latter is ideal, for what is the role of the pontiff, but to be the boy who brings the good news of the gospel to the world.

    What about suspenders? It’s hard to elucidate everything said, but not spoken by suspenders.

    Finally, it may be too much, but I, personally, would want to see each Swiss Guard team leader on a penny farthing; but then, I’m a purist.

    Habemus Starbucks!!!

  • parishioner ordinaire

    Man buns. But since they are Swiss, double side buns.

    • William of Orange

      Ooh, hot cross buns.

  • Kenneth J. Wolfe

    Ha — this is hilarious to the fourth degree!

    • Monk

      Are you mixing metaphors? I’m not sure mixed metaphors are appreciated or even permitted here.

  • FatherWagner

    There will also be a standard issue Fidget Spinner issued to each Swiss Guard to whip at unruly pilgrims.

  • Jamerican

    Will they have matching iPhones? wireless ear buds? the look isn’t complete otherwise.

  • VeilOfTiers

    The way things are going these days it’s a wonder they haven’t worked a rainbow into the uniform. Scarf… Socks… Parasol (instead of a sword)..?

  • teach5

    Favorite line: “Whatever.” Too funny!

  • samton909

    This is all very practical. It is hard to get into a Vatican Gay Orgy™ these days unless you look fairly gay. This new uniform accomplishes that.

  • LX5000

    Does this new uniform come with mother’s basement?

  • Steve Allen

    I think instead of swords maybe a Double-bit felling axe. If they are going to Dress like lumberjacks let them play the part and it also can be used as a weapon.

  • Brendan Quinn

    But where can they stash their uzi ?

  • christopherschaefer

    I think the best compromise would be to allow for an “Ordinary Form” uniform as well as an “Extraordinary Form” uniform. This way, the younger more “rigid” Guards who insist on Tradition still could use the ancient “Ordinary Form” uniform—without the need for permission from a Vatican bureaucrat. While I assume there eventually could be a “mutual enrichment” of the two Forms of uniform, meanwhile care would be taken to ensure that Guards wearing the “Extraordinary Form” uniform are stationed in locations where they will be facing East while on duty.

  • johnhenry

    Ah, the Swiss. I ate two sides of a Toblerone chocolate bar once.

  • TheLittleHolyInfantJesusBlesse

    Why would dressing like a hipster appeal to millennials? I’m a millennial and this doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. The Swiss Guard should wear the traditional knight uniform and reject this new “uniform”.