White Supremacist Catholic Really Hoping That Heaven Is Segregated

August 14, 2017 by  
Filed under Politics



Cradle Catholic and longtime white supremacist Jacob Baton told those gathered at a local rally Monday that he was really hoping, though pretty darn sure, that heaven was segregated.

The 43-year-old father of five said that the thought came to him as he was in line to receive communion yesterday.

“I was thinking about how if logic prevails, as well as justice, races would have to be segregated in heaven. I mean, I’m not saying that I don’t think blacks should have the same opportunities to be redeemed as I do, it’s just that I don’t want them in my heaven. Also, while I’m at it, I’d really appreciate it if people stopped asking me to pray to black saints—is that so bad? ”

Baton went on to explain how Dante described paradise using several different circles separating classes of angels, “essentially segregating them from one another,”  to describe heaven, and how it made sense to make sure “the whites” had their section to praise God, and “the blacks” had their section to praise God.

“Neither the Catechism of the Catholic Church nor any of the works of St. Thomas talk about white and African American souls having to worship next to each other for all of eternity,” Baton said as he ironed his Confederate flag. “Again, I’m not an extremist. All I wanna do is make sure that heaven is as great as I think it’s gonna be, and that if it’s not, to pray that God makes heaven great again before I get there.”

  • John

    Baton added, “I’m not racist or anything. I don’t pray that the blacks go to hell. I just think everyone would be better off if we had our separate heavens.”

    • Vince M Sr

      That’s fine but would Jesus be allowed to visit there with the white folks since his skin is that nasty olive color so many people from that region have. You know not real dark skin color but just enough to question His lineage. Being he was from a white dove and his mother according to all the pictures and statues in church was that pasty white skin.

  • Michael Leggett


  • Gravitatis Ultissimus

    I was just waiting for the MHGA barb and sure enough there it was.

    • parishioner ordinaire

      I had to Google MHGA in order to know it was an acronym for Make Hockey Great Again. And, I found a place to order the t-shirts https://teespring.com/mhga#pid=369&cid=6512&sid=front

      • Gravitatis Ultissimus

        Oooooooh! I get it now! That’s where H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks comes from.

  • Augustine

    This must be the “Ecumenism of Hate” about which Spadaro and Figueroa wrote.

  • William of Orange

    We need more honest Catholic men like him. Brave enough to speak the truth in justice. My parish is full of liberal ecumenists. There’s one woman (I pretty sure she’s married to a Presbyterian) who goes around blaspheming by saying Jesus was a Jew. I know, unbelievable.

    • Vince M Sr

      Wait she doesn’t also include that He had a dark tan and his natural olive skin was darker than the white skin portrayed on the statues we worship?

      • William of Orange

        Probably. I suspect some miscegenation on her part anyhow.

  • Monk

    Christian heaven absolutely is segregated, unlike Muslim heaven.
    Gotta keep the Martyrs away from the Virgins.

  • samton909

    Jesus never said a word about White Supremacists being in heaven.

  • Frank Hammond

    What happen to the people who used to write Eye of the Tiber? When did they leave? This used to be really funny and not political. Now it’s not clever or funny. It just stinks –