Bloodied Sister Desperately Scrambling To Get Hold Of Phone Before Chainsaw Nun Arrives

September 15, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

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In the aftermath of seven unexplained murders at St. Therese Convent in Miami, Florida, local novitiate Sister Martha Mary is reportedly crawling toward a cell phone located just out of arms reach before the mysterious Chainsaw Nun gets to her.

In an exclusive interview with EOTT moments ago, sources hiding in a closet filled with loose hanging pots and pans said that the sound of the chainsaw was getting ever closer to Sister Martha Mary.

“We were all just watching a movie and eating popcorn when we heard a sound coming from outside,” said Sister Margaret. “I went to open the blinds, and out near the convent swimming pool was our head mistress gagged and tied to a chair. She was unconscious. We all started screaming, naturally. Then the phone rang and a muffled voice asked me if I’ve checked on the statue of St. Therese. I hung up, but the person kept calling, so I called the police and they said, ‘The calls are coming from inside the house of formation!’”

According to Sister Margaret, that’s when they all decided to split up.

“Me and a couple sister ran as fast as we could to the driveway so that we could jump in the van and get away. I was frantically trying to get the right key, but for some reason, it took me forever to find it. Once inside, the car wouldn’t start. That’s when she appeared out of nowhere, staring at us through the window. She said, ‘boo,’ and began to laugh, wildly. We were all screaming and crying and I asked her why she was doing this, and she said that all the trees in the neighborhood were cut down, but that her chainsaw was still thirsty. She said this as she pet the chainsaw.”

Sister Margaret went on to say that that was when Sister Martha Mary jumped out of the car and began to run, the Chainsaw Nun sauntering behind her as Sister Martha Mary clumsily tripped over nothing, hitting her head on the concrete.

At press time, though being doused in gasoline and set on fire by Sister Margaret, the Chainsaw Nun is still moving toward them, as though the fire currently burning her skin is not but the gentle tickle of a fallen angel on a warm summer night.

  • PJParks

    Head thump.

  • Okay, that is dark.

  • VeilOfTiers

    Must be a parody of a movie I haven’t seen…

    …for good reason.

    • HermitTalker

      Texas Chain Saw Massacre sound familiar?

      • VeilOfTiers

        Right. I have not seen!

  • HermitTalker

    For her penance the chain saw nun must wear street clothes and may not saw anything other that trees/ Insurance regulations

    • VeilOfTiers

      Not just any old street clothes. She is sentenced to wear a polyester pantsuit.

  • samton909

    I hear Sally Quinn is claiming credit for putting a hex on this nun. Apparently the nun in question refused to bow low enough as Sally walked by.

  • Jim Anderson

    This appears to be a satirical comment on https://epicpew.com/nun-chainsaw-makes-habit-serving/

    • HermitTalker

      Jim you are a bloody sharp observer

  • Librarian50

    Lame. Not funny

  • Viterbo Fangirl

    I really want to add a clever little addendum, but I never watch slashers and so can’t think of anything to say… also I am laughing way too hard to think clearly!

  • Hotrod1962

    Everyone, I’m sure, just has a chainsaw hanging in their closet.

  • Casper

    I think a better story would have been that Sister moonlights doing landscape work because:
    1. Immigrants have been self-deporting during Trump, can’t find anyone to upkeep the Rosary Garden
    2. She can save a little extra for retirement.

  • Robere

    Fake.