USCCB Forbids Catholic Organizations From Creating Anything That Looks Even Remotely Close To Being In The Same Vicinity As Up-to-Date

September 20, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life


USCCB spokesman, Bishop Roger Belvedere confirmed this week that any Catholic organization attempting to make themselves appear current will be suppressed, as “anything that appears technologically modern is directly contrary to the Holy Spirit.”

“Everything from websites to event flyers to marketing materials will be monitored and under careful scrutiny beginning this week,” Belvedere told the press. “In addition, we will soon begin the process of purging the world of the small amount of visually appealing Catholic publicity that already exists. We estimate that this process should take us no more than about half an hour to complete.”

Going on to give instructions for Catholic web designers and graphic artists, Belvedere said that the mandate will seek to make sure that all design work, whether in media or in print must have a distastefully low white-space-to-text ratio, a mandatory rosary border on all print materials, and a reversal of any design changes made after 1996.

“If we see a single Catholic logo that does not include the color navy blue, let that organization be anathema. Also, flowers—we need to see more flowers. Web designers, bonus points if flowers appear to fall from the top of a web page when opened.”

One Vatican insider told EOTT this morning that he was excited with the USCCB’s decision, and hoped that other countries would soon follow suit.

“To be honest, I’m relieved that they finally said something. Catholic organizations need to be better about distinguishing themselves from Protestants, who for the most part, have excelled in respect to design work. And since our Church has been around a lot longer than theirs, everything we do needs to look that much older.”

At press time, USCCB officials estimate that the new requirements are expected to affect less than one percent of Catholic groups.

  • KJL

    “new requirements are expected to affect less than one percent of Catholic groups.”

    Seemingly the Universities are actually inline with the guidelines already.

  • Casper

    Is there anything specific for the Catholic Resistance to DACA, though? Should that material be typed on a typewriter, or printed using a dot-matrix printer? Maybe there should be those upside-down exclamation points in there?

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Does that mean we get to keep our felt banners?? What a relief–I’m pretty sure they’re the only way we know where the altar is anymore.

    • But Christ is hanging on the Cross instead of flying off of it. Unacceptably retro-modern!

  • FatherWagner

    Oh good… I have some super flashy spinning gifs of angels I’ve been dying to use again. In VGA!

  • David M. Cheney

    hmm, I’ve been wanting to use again for so long 😉

  • HermitTalker

    POTUS Trump may not become Catholic after this.

  • Don Brignac

    Sounds like they are in line with the Vatican’s directive “Yesterday’s Technology Tomorrow”.

  • Jim Brooks

    I am really surprised no one is seeing this for what it is. It is obvious a crack down on Church Militant and the TLM groups. Every look at their web sites? They have tons of angry and aggressive images like Angels with swords, the Battle of Lepanto, torchered bodies on a cross. Taking that stuff down and replacing them with flowers is payback from Fr.Martin S.J. for Church Militant getting him cancelled at several speaking engagements. Really am I the only one who sees this?

    • HermitTalker

      It’s satire Brother. Take ‘er easy.

      • Jim Brooks

        That’s right Hermit, it is satire and that is why I wrote what I did. Still think about it. It dovetails with the actual culture war between CM and Fr. Martin. Fr. Martin wants all the “offensive language” taken out of the Catechism and replaced with flowery words of love and understanding and CM likes the words just as they are. This really blew up last Friday when Fr. Martin on his fB page wrote that CM got him cancelled at three major speaking engagements. On Monday Voris fired back on that assertion and now the followers for the two camps are going to each other’s web site leaving nasty comments towards each other. Yesterday Christine Niles accused Martin of calling the Virgin Mary a lesbian. So get yourself a big bowl of popcorn, kick back. and watch them go at it.

        • HermitTalker

          Its so sad that extremism has invaded and replaced a decent exchange of different ideas in the marketplace.

          • samton909

            Yeah, I remember the good old days when we could have a nice civilized conversation about you know what.

          • Monk

            I just love when you bring up “you know what” with HT.

          • HermitTalker

            What? Monk, pray tell after your afternoon hour sext none or ???

          • Monk

            More none than sext, to be honest. Thanks for asking.

        • Aaron McG

          I currently have the biggest bowl of popcorn ever ready to go!

          But in all serious about Christine’s assertion, Fr. Martin has repeatedly referred to the Holy Spirit as “She” on Facebook and in other places. If one holds to the time honored teaching of the Church’s fathers and doctors that the Blessed Mother is the spouse of the Holy Spirit, referring to the Holy Spirit as “She” very much implies that the Blessed Mother is in a spousal relationship with a female spiritually entity, i.e. a lesbian. The image and the delivery might be shocking on its face, but the implications are not inaccurate.

          • HermitTalker

            Seems the D.C. swamp needs draining and Leftie Church also. #1 is afoot.

  • samton909

    I can proudly say my church will need to make no changes at all. In fact, we still use “f” to indicate the “s” sound.

    • Viterbo Fangirl

      I wish I could upvote this more than once!

  • AuthenticBioethics

    Has there been any word on a clarification or follow-up form the USCCB? I mean, insofar as they anathematized any aesthetic elements post-1996, I am surprised they didn’t also anathematize pre-1970 aesthetics. This cannot possibly mean that pre-Vatican-II is ok, can it? Or is just a given that the Church only began with V-II, so there is no “before” or “older” than that?

  • William of Orange

    Netscape Navigator!

  • William of Orange