Study Finds Wearing Mantilla Increases Confession Time By 2,500%

September 29, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

 

New research published by Christendom College suggests that the wearing of a mantilla dramatically increases the wearers time spent in confession by up to 2,500%.

The researchers stated that among the most important elements they studied was the amount of time spent confessing sins that were not actually sins, as well as past sins that, for some reason or another, they found necessary to confess again.

“For some mysterious reason, the mantilla is able to open the memory bank of the person wearing it, and by some transcendent way, is able to  help a penitent remember things that they had done 20 or 30 years ago,” said lead researcher Brandon White. “It’s quite remarkable. We don’t often think of magical objects existing in the world, but this is proof that they do exist.”

The study’s findings suggest that removing the mantilla decreases one’s ability to remember a multitude of sins, as well as giving the wearer the ability to forgive themselves those sins that, up till now, have not fully been able to be forgiven.

“If I was a confessor, I would tell those suffering with major scrupulosity to remove the mantilla from their heads at least once when inside church, even for just a minute. This will allow them a brief moment to breathe before placing it back on their head and dwelling on whether or not this or that thing they did or said was actually a sin. Or I’d just tell them to take a Xanax.”

White went on to urge patience for those Catholics waiting in line for confession behind a person wearing a mantilla, or to simply attempt to remove the mantilla from their head without them noticing.

  • samton909

    Somebody test this by putting a mantilla on Bill Clinton’s head.

    • Monk

      Wasn’t Monica’s infamous “blue mantilla” on his head?
      Now I have to go to confession.

      • HermitTalker

        Monk you and samton909 both, Sex obsessed. What about W’s war mongering and Obama’s billions to kill minority ethnic group babies? Not sins in your spiritual lexicon. Then The Donald’s blustering and loose lips.

        • samton909

          What about all the excrement wasted by going into the sewers? Save the Copraphagia, I say!

          • HermitTalker

            Excuse me mentioning Bill Clinton distracted me. Honest mistake, Monk added to my error. Pray for me please

          • Monk

            I did go to confession today, by the way.

          • Rose Lincoln

            Did you have your mantilla on?

          • HermitTalker

            Rose Monk contemplates, that t makes him so sensitive he does not need a mantilla. As to his purpose of amendment, watch him and tomton 909 take after me again soon. As the hippie translation put it, “the wine is good but the meat stinks” aka spirit is strong but the flesh is weak. Do pray for the, I enjoy the satire.

          • Monk

            You confuse repartee with personal attacks … and call me sensitive?! You’re such a colorful character, HT.
            Don’t share this publicly, but I’m about to launch a product. I’ve stuffed boards in knee pads to simulate kneeling without … well … kneeling. I think there will be a huge fleeting demand. Do you want in?

          • Paul Avizinis

            ‘spiritual multi-tasking’…As a kid I can remember all those ladies with their rosaries at Holy Mass filling in the empty space between the “Dominus vobis cum”s. I think the record stands at 57 completed mysteries, but there some question that the sainted woman was using a verbal form of short-hand. Oh, the good ole days.

          • HermitTalker

            There were no good old days Paul. Selective amnesia.

          • Paul Avizinis

            Satire has good ole and bad ole days. Much like nuns rapping knuckles with a ruler, it is a myth to some.

          • HermitTalker

            Kneeling is not PC today if you are an overpaid black athlete who typecasts all police as racist because a few shot black men and ignore the FBI report of the actual facts.

  • As a current CDom student, I can certify that this article is 100% truth.

  • christopherschaefer

    “past sins that, for some reason or another, they found necessary to confess again.”
    Further research has demonstrated that this only is true with women who wear full mantillas, covering the face. This muffles their speech, requiring the confessor to keep asking “Would you please repeat that again?”
    Among college students this is causing a growing moral crisis, which adds additional time in the confessional:
    “Does Father actually want me to commit that sin again?? Or does he simply want me to confess it again?”
    “White went on to urge patience for those Catholics waiting in line for confession”.
    Oh, OK I almost missed that: “line for confession”.
    This must be a re-post of a very, very old article from many, many decades ago.

    • parishioner ordinaire

      Not at our Church — always a line for confession, even when we have two priests

      • HermitTalker

        Two explanations #1 1950s scrupulous OR #2 – well you know ……. !!!!!

  • Elle McClain

    Since the confessional is private, how do they know any of this? I assume this is satire.

    • David Matheson

      This site is 100% satire. No worries.

    • HermitTalker

      People like to blab and boast of their exploits !!!

  • Paul Avizinis

    These mantillas, and note not all of them, can trace their specialness back to the hanky that St. Peter’s shadow passed over (see Acts 5:15).

    • HermitTalker

      I always thought spellcheck failed and they were worn by holey women. Thanks for the Petrine link. Seems Pope Francis’ shadow today is being shot full of holes by a series of pseudo- infallible know-it-alls

  • TomD

    I think there are a lot of holes in this study.

  • David Gerard Smith

    My experience, waiting in line, has been that mantilla wearers are about average. They don’t treat confession like therapy.

  • J.

    Would you say this article has been “laced” with satire?

    • HermitTalker

      Good one, almost beats my holey ones !!!!!

  • DJR

    This brought back a memory from many years ago (and I wasn’t even wearing a mantilla, which my wife probably wouldn’t like me to do, although she wears them).

    A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, my mother and I went to church on a Saturday to go to confession. I was just a young lad, and my confession lasted about a minute.

    My mother was in the confessional for what seemed like hours.

    While waiting in church for my mother, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “I can’t wait till I’m older so that my confessions can be real long.”

    LOL.

  • CLQ24

    As a person wears a mantilla, I found this hilarious especially the part about the amount of time confessing sins that were not actually sins. I will freely admit that I have done that on more than one occasion.

  • Wildgraywolf

    Yes and the wait time increases exponentially in proximity to holy days and holy days of obligation