Knights of Columbus Changes Name to “Knights of Indigenous Peoples”

October 11, 2017 by  
Filed under Politics


Two months after ditching their ostrich-plume chapeaus, the Knights of Columbus continue their rebranding efforts by announcing the organization shall be henceforth known as the “Knights of Indigenous Peoples.”

“This change distances us from that conquistador Columbus,” said Eric Jenkins, Commander of Assembly #4251 and one of nearly two-dozen millennial members nationwide.  “Everyone knows he was a racist.”

“We’re not caving into social pressure,” explained 4th Degree Knight Lawrence Reddy.  “We’re simply kowtowing to social justice.  Maybe one day they’ll shelf the trigger word ‘knight,’ too.  Gives me the willies.”

In addition to continuing their traditional work of high-pressure insurance sales and slinging cheap beer at fish fry’s, the Knights of Indigenous People will now also form honor guards for half-naked tribal women presenting the gifts at papal Masses.

  • KJL

    “will now also form honor guards for half-naked tribal women presenting the gifts at papal Masses.”

    I think the author forgot the “BOOM” at the end of that.

    • Christine

      I agree”Boom”!!!

  • *Actually*, we’re aboriginal. The Knights of Aboriginal. Sounds good.

    • Clare O’Malley

      Adam, is that YOU????? Clare

      • The one and only…excepting the hundreds of thousands of other people named Adam.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    I’m still trying to figure out where middle-aged white guys would be deemed indigenous…

    • John

      At the bar?

      • William of Orange

        Yup. The Digenous Sports Bar. I’ve been in Digenous many times.

    • James Mark


    • parishioner ordinaire


    • Well, the United States defines white as someone of Middle Eastern, European, or North African descent. So I imagine that a middle-aged white guy somewhere in Germany, would be indigenous to Germany.

    • Monk

      The way the Knights eat and drink, they probably get a lot of indigestion. Is that close enough?

      • RosaryVictory

        Knights of Indigestion People.

      • William of Orange

        “Pull my finger”
        Supreme Knight, Carl Anderson

    • Mr. Graves

      When I was a child, I thought the local VFW Hall was a rec center for old, white men. They were definitely the indigenous peoples there!

  • John

    Where’s the human sacrifices in all of this? Oh well, at least they’ll be no more pesky wheels at these events

  • christopherschaefer

    Only reasonable solution: eradicate every vestige of Western civilization. Well, OK we’ve nearly accomplished that with Christianity. Then send European descendants back to Europe; send African descendants back to Africa; send Middle Eastern descendants back to Middle East, etc. etc.
    Then perhaps we could start over in a more equitable manner: in exchange for a bit of land, offer the indigenous people a chest of no-longer-needed ostrich plumes.

    • How does that work for mixed race people like me? What continent are you going to send me back to?

      • christopherschaefer

        Well that would require a split decision

  • William of Orange

    Many of the 5th degree Knights of Indigenous People are excited about the new regalia which will include traditional Indian head dresses and swapping out the ceremonial sword for the ceremonial spear. Word at New Haven is that the Supreme Knight’s title will be changed to Chief – in-keeping with the new name of the order. It’s gonna be great.

  • Richard Cazares

    They are not all white.

    • smk629

      That’s right. My husband’s Council has white, African-American and Hispanic members, which is a clear picture of our parishioners. All are good men, truly the face of faithful Catholic manhood. God bless all here!

      • Hispanics can be any race, including black and white

        • smk629

          That’s right, and thank you for clarifying. I did not call them African-American because we have so many nationalities at my parish (Mexican, Cuban, Venezuelan, etc.) it does not apply to all of them. God bless you!

    • Yes, I know this. Because I’m not all white.

    • VeilOfTiers

      Yeah, in my area they are mostly Filipino. And of course, they would be indigenous to the Philippines. So they are indigenous somewhere!

  • smk629

    And their monthly magazine will be henceforth named “The Beret” instead of “The Chapeau”.

  • Kathryn Coe

    Instead of pancake breakfasts they will host Aztec style cannibalism. Is maple syrup an appropriate condiment to serve with conquered neighbor?
    They can bypass the whole beret vs plumes debate by wearing the scalps of their enemies.

    • Frank Hammond

      The last time our Council had a Pancake Breakfast, about 12 people showed up – we had food for 150+ We should have fed some indigenous people instead…

      • Kathryn Coe

        That’s a shame. (using my sincere font, not sarcasm) I know how much work goes into putting a big meal together.

  • chrisinva

    Sounds like a great outfit. How do I get Inuit?

    • RosaryVictory

      This is just awful and maybe swell.

      • chrisinva

        I’ll Chippaway at it… if I get in I’ll Crow about it, if not I’ll be up a Creek… Then I’ll have to Goshute a deer, or just Qechuan…

        • RosaryVictory

          You are better then good. Brought a smile to my face. God bless.

        • William of Orange

          Chrisinva, I agree. Knights should be proud – not Cheyenne full of Reservations. Iowa debt of gratitude to a Chickasaw one time and her husband. Mr and Mississauga. He wanted to be a 5th degree Knight. She held out Hopi was going to get his new regalia to fit. Sadly, his pants were Saginaw the ground. She said he should Sioux and if he couldn’t get his money back, he Ottawa quickly downtown and sell it to a Pawnee shop. He wouldn’t; too soft Spokane I guess.

          • chrisinva

            Not feeling brave- wish I could squawk but I got teepee.

          • Richard Mondak

            But what regalia would Delaware? Huron thin ice when you Crow about this topic Chumash. I did laugh a Omaha ha but not enough to Pima self. Good stuff though. Yurok!

  • Yankeegator

    Knowing the Modernist infestation of the Church and the Knights, this satire might turn out to be true soon.

  • Paul Avizinis

    Hey, in all this nobody has mentioned peyote. This is a staple, if you know what I mean, and hey, I can enthusiastically endorse it. Meetings will be much more, how you say, ‘kool” man.

  • Richard Mondak

    I know I would be convicted of Heresy, but although I am 4th Degree Knight and of Italian descent, I believe that the Vikings or other Northern Europeans were the first to arrive on this continent (or at least in the Eastern and more important region of ‘Vespucci-land’). So, instead of the Admiralty chapeau or the beret, should we now consider a kinder, gentler version of Norseman-wear? Change our Charter to Knights of Loki? Okay, maybe St Olaf?