Nuns That Started Christian Rock Band Somehow Considered Inspiring

December 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life


The new all-nun rock band known as “Guns N’ Rosaries” took the stage yesterday in front of a packed house at St. John of the Cross Catholic Church where they, for some unfathomable reason, inspired all those in attendance.

The Bolivian nuns, who, let’s be serious here for a minute, are kinda embarrassing to watch and to listen to because it’s weird watching nuns pretending to be rock stars in the same way that it would be weird watching your grandma wearing a leather jacket and smoking a joint, began their rock band two years ago in the convent garage.

“We just want to inspire people with good music,” said lead vocals Sr. Axela Rosary, neglecting to remark on how uninspiring the music actually was, and how it would be much better if she had simply written down her lyrics, had them published, and called the book a poetry collection or something like that.

Rosary went on to say that she believed God called them to enter the convent just so that they could escape it for years as they travel the globe, soaking in the praise, and doing everything in their power not to return to the mundane life of uninterrupted prayer and contemplation.

“Everyone has a calling, a vocation, and within each vocation, there is a charism—ours is rock,” Rosary added, making sure to leave out the fact that her order’s vocation had nothing whatsoever to do with playing Christian music, let alone rock.

Guns N’ Rosaries’ song Sweet Child O’ God has already earned over two-million YouTube views.

Guns N’ Rosaries traveled to the New York City Catholic music festival recently, drawing bafflingly large crowds considering that it was largely Catholics in the past that perfected good music.

“Everyone was calling us and asking if Guns N’ Rosaries was gonna be there,” said Sean Howard, chairman for the music festival, himself pondering why people were being inspired by the sight of nuns playing electric guitars as opposed being utterly demoralized by the state of the Church and what constitutes good music and art these days. “So we had to book them, which was really hard to do because on one hand I’m a Freemason and have really wanted to see the Church destroyed for some time now, but on the other hand, I have a heart and this is such a pathetic way for it to go out—not with a bang, but a whimper, you know what I’m saying? That’s even too cruel for me.”

  • Cminor

    Well, that was a missed opportunity. Why not Nuns ‘n’ Rosaries?

    • Cminor

      Oh, by the way, today’s grandmas were young adults during the 60 ‘s, 70’s, and early 80’s. One wearing a leather jacket and smoking a joint might not be so weird. Also, Inb4 somebody takes this story seriously and goes on a rant about the LCWR.

      • Hotrod1962

        Hey, back in the ’60s, those nuns were tough…you didn’t mess with them. You could only imagine under layers of cloth called a habit, there were tattoos, biker chains, and an occasion 45.

        • Cminor

          I suspect EOTT was referring to ‘70’s nuns, though. You know, the blazer-wearing kind who went bareheaded and sang “All Are Welcome”.

          • Monk

            I think it was in The Last Roman Catholic? by James W. Demers that he wryly noted that the nuns — sisters, really — came to resemble real estate agents, which was appropriate since they ended up selling their empty convents.

          • Maggie

            They are still doing that but wearing capris

          • Hotrod1962

            Yep…incognito nuns.

        • susanna

          Are you looking at girls and imagining again Hotrod? Just stop it. You want to burn in hell?!!!
          Sister Smackdown.

          • Hotrod1962

            Okay Sister, you must be in you 80’s or 90’s right now…..and you still scare the hell out of me.
            Thank you for the ruler scars and for making me a responsible, accountable individual.

    • samton909

      I prefer Buns n’ Moses.

  • I like the Thirsting, so why the heck not? Also, in most families, it is the grandparents who are the pot smokers, both culturally because by the 80s that was archaic behavior, and because medically they need it and who cares if old people have a brain.

    • paulavizinis

      You bet… it is easier for the liberals to screw with their minds.

  • William of Orange

    I think Sean Howard was misquoted. I
    believe he said, “not with a bang, but a wimple”.

    I saw Guns N Rosaries 14 years ago in Paradise City.
    I was there with My Michelle. Oh, I
    Used to Love Her, she was So Fine. It was wildest crowd I’ve ever seen.

    “Welcome to the Jungle”, I said to that Sweet Child o’ Mine. “Aren’t you glad we took the Night Train with Mr. Brownstone just to end up in this Chinese Democracy?”

    “Don’t Cry. Learn to have some Patience”, she replied. “I mean, Ain’t it Fun?”.

    “You’re Crazy”, I
    said. “This could turn into a Civil
    War. You wouldn’t look very Pretty
    Tied Up or in a Coma. I Think
    About You, hurt or even Knockin’ on
    Heaven’s Door.”

    Anyhow, it was a good show. Michelle and I are Estranged now and I think that’s Better. But, It’s So
    Easy to dwell on Yesterdays.
    So, I think I’ve written enough. I don’t want to beat a Dead Horse.

  • Guy McClung

    Can’t believe EOTT missed the real message. Vatican spokesperson says, however, Jorge Juan P Bergoglio has magisterially declared that these there is no doubt: the Holy Spirit has and is calling these nuns to be priests. Citing “Upon this . . . [wait for it] . . . Rock …I will build my church,” Jorge has announced the ordination of the nuns will take place at St. Peter’s in Rome next month on the feast of the Chair of St. Peter. The nuns are re-painting their bus, now called the “Holy Orders Express.” They are daily giving thanks to the Quadrinity, Creator, Redeemer, Sanctifier, Jorge. Guy McClung, Texas

    • Maggie
      • paulavizinis

        Yup, I was there when they posed for that picture…Wow, the rush.

        • Richard Mondak

          I would have been there too but I had to run to the store for more flash cubes!

      • More Tea Vicar?

        This is just a sample of the 72 Virgins that will meet suicide bombers when they blow themselves to bits for ISIS…

  • Thomas Zabiega

    Well, the original Singing Nun, the Belgian Jeannine Deckers who wrote and sang Dominique (a number 1 hit in the U.S. in 1964), left her convent in 1966, wrote a song praising contraception in 1967 entitled “Glory Be to God for the Golden Pill,” became a lesbian, and in 1985 committed suicide. Even EOT could not make up a story like that. I think these various more or less known rockin’ sisters groups are in similar spiritual trouble with hearts full of love for God, but brains too inexperienced to see the work of the evil one in making them feel popular and important. I wish I could make my post sound funny and this EOT article is wonderful sarcasm, but it is too tragically true to make me laugh.

    • samton909

      Dome in Eee Canee Caneeka

    • Casper

      Playing guitar. It’s the path to hell. When will Catholics learn…

  • Monk

    Inappropriate music in the liturgy is certainly a weapon of Mass destruction.

  • samton909

    It would only be cool if there were real guns and real rosaries.

  • William of Orange
    • William of Orange

      I think Danny Partridge came with the tour bus.

    • paulavizinis

      I was there when they posed for that picture…Oh, the memories.

    • Come on get happy!

    • More Tea Vicar?

      I believe their support acts consist of The Jesus and Mary Chain, The Priestie Boys (a seminarian Beastie Boys tribute act) and Shane MacGowan’s combo The Popes…

  • Frank Hammond

    You know this is satire when you read “packed house” referring to a Catholic Church in 2017.

  • Frank Hammond

    Did Marty Haugen and David Haas write the “music” for Nuns n Rosaries?

    • Rose Lincoln

      Probably Dan Schutte!

      • More Tea Vicar?

        AIYIYIYI! Not THE Dan Sch*tte? Didn’t he write that ditty which begins ‘I the lord of sea and sky…’ ? YIKES!

        The nuns could record the following tie-dyed, Crimpelene-lined Dated Ditties:

        THE HIJACKER’S HOSTAGE HYMN (Bind Us Together)
        THE PYROMANIAC’S HYMN (Colours of Day … with a chorus that goes ‘So light up the fire and let the flame burn’)
        THE ORGAN TRANSPLANT HYMN (Come, Lord Jesus, Come … Come take my eyes/ears/feet/hands/heart/nose/spleen/chitterlings)