Aging Priest Calls Weed ‘Devil’s Lettuce’

Pleading to those at Mass this morning to stay away from drugs, local elderly priest Fr. Herb Marinelli called weed “devil’s lettuce” in a last ditch effort to scare them from the drug. “We call it devil’s lettuce for a reason!” Marinelli yelled from the podium, gingerly pounding his fist on the pulpit. “Instead of manna from heaven that the Lord offers, the devil offers us weed—and weed, in any of its deceptive forms is evil, whether... Read More

Catholic Apologist With Fear Of Public Speaking Pictures Everyone In Audience With Bare Shoulders

Just seconds after walking on stage for his new talk on Mary, local Catholic apologist and glossophopic Jason O’Connor closed his eyes and pictured everyone in attendance with their shoulders bare in a desperate attempt to stop him from hyperventilating.   “It was really bad,” O’Connor told EOTT shortly after his talk. “It’s always bad, really. I get up there on to the sanctuary and I begin to feel real hot and begin to sweat, so... Read More

World’s Foremost Liturginazi Dies

The world’s foremost liturginazi died peacefully this past week at his home in Kansas City. Originally from Cody, Wyoming, Gerard Schmitz moved to Kansas City to pursue his passion for liturgical criticism. Schmitz was the founding member of the Phineas Society for Liturgical Purity, an international organization that tracks and ranks liturgical corrections, and was credited with 39,587 liturgical corrections over his lifetime, an astounding... Read More

Church Creates Guidelines For Proper Veneration Of Keanu Reeves

Earlier this week, the Congregation for the Causes of Saints issued new guidelines on the proper care, handling, and veneration of Keanu Reeves. The new instructions go into 90-pages of detail on how bishops are to handle Keanu Reeves when his body and soul are “on pilgrimage” within their territory. Article 31: Keanu Reeves can be carried in pilgrimage to different places within the confines of the same diocese or eparchy. In such a case,... Read More

New GraceFace App Reveals What Users Will Look Like After The Resurrection Of The Body

Piggy-backing off the recent excitement over FaceApp, Catholic developers have released GraceFace, an application that reveals what users will look like for all eternity.             “Like FaceApp, GraceFace uses a phone’s camera to take a picture of the user, but it then projects what their body will look like following the Resurrection of the Body at the end of time,” said Ken Carson, lead developer for GraceFace. “People love... Read More

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