Vatican Opens Cause Of Canonization For Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg After Mistakenly Believing Her Dead And Incorrupt

July 10, 2019 by  
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized

Much to its embarrassment, it was discovered this week that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints had an open file on United States Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. An EOTT investigation revealed that Justice Ginsburg’s cause was opened after an undersecretary of the Congregation, Msgr. Nicola Tarducci, became convinced that Justice Ginsburg was incorrupt. This past November, Msgr. Tarducci saw a picture of Justice Ginsburg taken... Read More

Man Expelled from Charismatic Prayer Group After Speaking Real Language

July 10, 2019 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

A man was kicked out of St. Robert Catholic Church’s Wednesday evening Charismatic Prayer group after he began to speak a real foreign language during a “prayer session.” Jonathan Spencer, 43, had recently begun attending the group’s weekly prayer meetings, but will not be returning anytime soon. “We were all together there in the room,” said Spencer. “Some people were jumping around, others were clicking and making all sorts of... Read More

Eminem Adapts To Praise & Worship In Effort To Stay Relevant

June 13, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Mika-photography In an effort to reach out to a growing and larger audience, Rapper Marshal Mathers announced this morning that he has decided to adapt his style of music to contemporary Christian Music, also known as Praise & Worship. “I’ve never really been that religious, as most of you know” Marshal Mathers told members of the press. “But if there is a chance my music can be confused with actual prayer and worship, then this... Read More

Perfect Meme Reverses Roe v. Wade

June 12, 2019 by  
Filed under Politics

In a desperate effort to outdo a pro-life meme that was so great and perfect that the Supreme Court had no choice but to overrule Roe v. Wade Wednesday, local pro-choice activists were forced to work through the night to come up with their “gem” of a meme. “It was the most outstanding piece of logic, sprinkled with just the right amount of humor,” Justice Sonia Sotomayor told the press. “This is not the process that we in the Supreme Court... Read More

Report: Apostles Probably Smelled Pretty Nasty

May 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

According to a report by historians at the University of Dallas Tuesday, all twelve of the apostles most likely smelled “pretty darn nasty.” The report states that, though it is not intended to insult the disciples of Jesus, fact remains that they most definitely stank like holy hell, and that, had not everyone else at the time also reeked, no one would have come within two miles of them to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ. The historians... Read More

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