Relic Of The True Apple Eaten By Adam And Eve Being Sold On Ebay For $15

The International Network—An item placed on Ebay last weekend has relic collectors excited about a new find. The supposed relic of the True Apple from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is being auctioned off with the starting bid at $15. Relic enthusiast Gerry Smith told EOTT this morning that he believed there was no doubt of the apple’s authenticity. “The question isn’t ‘Is this the real thing?’ The question is ‘Why wouldn’t... Read More

Vatican Press Office Officially Announces All Phone Lines in Vatican To Be Disconnected For Remainder Of Pontificate

VATICAN––The Vatican Press Office Director Father Federico Lombardi issued a statement to the media today concerning Pope Francis’ recent telephone call to a divorced and remarried Argentine woman, in which he supposedly gave her permission to receive Holy Communion. The woman at the center of the story, Jacqui Sabetta, and her ex-husband told reporters that His Holiness told them that “divorced people who take communion are not doing... Read More

SSPX Vehemently Protesting Canonization of St. Peter

VATICAN––Members of the Society of St. Pius X have stormed the internet and radio waves in violent protest against the upcoming canonization of Pope Simon Peter I. The backlash was worse than expected by the Holy See, and the protesters have not pulled any punches. One commentator on a popular tridentine website morecatholicthanthepope.com wrote, “This is the guy who denied Christ three times in one night, and now they want to canonize him? This... Read More

Skinny Southern California Girl Who Fasted From Carbohydrates And Fatty Foods Not Ready To Give Up Her Lenten Fast

San Diego, CA–Despite having successfully fulfilled her Lenten fast from carbohydrates and fatty foods, skinny SoCal girl Amber Miller announced today that she would be continuing her fast indefinitely out of love for Jesus and her new set of rock-hard abs. “The Bible says that JC fasted for 40 days and 40 nights…and that obviously means he fasted from carbohydrates and fatty foods. I wanted to act in imitation of Him,” Miller said as she oiled... Read More

Pope Francis Washes Feet Of Eight Men, One Woman, A Muslim, Ferret, And A Double Amputee

VATICAN–Pope Francis visited the Don Gnocchi Center in Rome today to wash the feet of 12 residents for the Holy Week ritual. According to the Catholic Information Service, those 12 included  one woman, a Muslim, a pet ferret named Wilbur, and a double amputee, which falls in line with Pope Francis’ actions during last year’s Maundy Thursday. The ceremony, which is rooted in the story of the Last Supper, made headlines last year when... Read More

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