As Israel And Palestine Brace For War, Vatican Set To March On Jerusalem

November 17, 2012 by  
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized

TEL AVIV––After days of Israeli bombings in and around Gaza, Hamas has retaliated with a rocket that killed three just north of the Gaza Strip, bringing the death toll up to 19. As the conflict in the fragile region continues to escalate, some believe that the Vatican’s decision to send 100 Swiss Guards to march and retake Jerusalem a mistake. “I guess I’m just kinda confused,” Chief of General Staff for the Israeli Army Rav Aluf Benny Gantz said Friday. “Is it a symbolic thing or something?”

But according to Commander of the Pontifical Swiss Guard Daniel Rudolf Anrig, there is nothing symbolic about war. “I believe that we are fully prepared and equiped for war. Look at us…look at the men behind me,” Anrig said from atop his horse, pointing down behind him at the small army, donned in their bright camouflaged uniforms of yellow, red, white, and blue. “The enemy has missiles, yes…but we have shields. Also…our use of the phalanx is outstanding.” Anrig believes that by marching on Jerusalem and driving out the Palestinian and Israeli forces that have “for too long ravaged the Holy City,” that peace and order can once again be established under the flag of the Vatican. When asked how one hundred men, armed with no more than shields and swords could simultaneously defeat two armies, equipped with state-of-the-art weaponry, Anrig answered, “You ever seen 300?

  • I say we use a drone (Rachel Mad Cow) to take out Bibi before the PSG invades.

  • Asian Guy

    And I say we give Israel our full support in destroying Hamas.

  • Jeff

    But in all seriousness, the funny costume is only for show. They are highly trained solider, and they not only use sword and shield (thanks wikipedia):
    Traditional arms
    • Sword
    • Command baton
    • Partisan
    • Flamberge
    • Cuirass with spaulders

    Modern arms
    • Dreyse M1907 (Retired from service)
    • SIG P220 (P75)
    • Glock 19
    • Heckler & Koch MP5A3
    • Heckler & Koch MP7
    • SIG SG 550
    • SIG SG 552
    They are simply the best, they would kick the butt of the Navy Seals

  • Deb Parise

    they gon’ cureirass!

  • Robert

    I would propose that current military standards regarding urban camouflage are quite embarrassing, to be honest, when compared to the very joyous and effectively colorful approach of the Pontificial Swiss Guard. NATO could certainly improve those boring pixelated patterns they use, just by analyzing the uniforms of the Pope’s army.

    Seriously though, Swiss Guards are amazing, true soldiers, more than 500 years protecting the Pope, lets pray to God asking that He continues to call brave men to this mission and to grant them valor to fulfil it.