Parishioners Mystified By Sudden Appearance Of Mysterious, Shiny Golden Box

February 20, 2013 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Just weeks after being appointed a new young pastor, parishioners at St. Agatha Catholic Church were baffled this morning when they saw a large, gold, “magical box-looking thingy” sitting directly behind the altar as they entered church.

“Well, we all walked in to church this morning and saw this golden box placed right where our old pastor, Fr. Rick, sat during the Mass,” a visibly shaken parishioner Carli Welk told reporters. “And we all just looked at each other and were all like, ‘What is that?’ I told everyone to slowly back away from it.”

Welk is now being heralded as a hero after calmly rushing all of the parishioners outside where she proceded to dial 9-1-1.

“I don’t consider myself a hero,” she later reported to a local area news affiliates. “I just did what I had to, you know? We didn’t know what was in there or whether the thing itself was dangerous. Some thought it was just an ornate refrigerator carrying some kind of supernatural bread–others actually thought there might actually be a body in there. Better safe than sorry.”

At press time, state officials have been called to the scene after St. Agatha’s new pastor was seen on his knees before the shiny gold box, reportedly transfixed and completely succumbing to the yet to be identified powers of the box.

  • Hilarious, and depressingly true in Texas….

  • Roger

    All hail the power of the box!

  • The first sentence must be rewritten

    • Just weeks after having a new young pastor appointed, parishioners at St. Agatha Catholic Church in Houston….

      There, fixed.

      If ya want something done ya just have do it your own self

  • Hilarious—-unfortunately somewhat true in many cases. But changes are coming!

  • Poor Yorek

    “”Well, we all walked in to church this morning and saw this golden box placed right where our old pastor, Fr. Rick, sat during the Mass,” a visibly shaken parishioner Carli Welk told reporters.”

    Wow! She really must have been “shaken,” for in her normal state of mind Ms. Welk surely would not have used such an outdated term like “Mass,” but the much more inviting term “Eucharistic Celebration.”

    “At Kateri Center of Chicago we try to incorporate NAtive (sic) American Rituals into our Eucharistic Celebrations. We begin every Eucharistic Liturgy with the Prayer of the Four Directions. This is a great centering prayer and call to worship.”

    Hrmmm: of what one wonders?

    • Susan Gallen

      I am coming to the realization that Chicago is of another planet and that even the Catholicism that is practised there is from outer space. Bernadin, Pfleger….who knows, maybe they’ll elect their own Pope.

    • Christi H

      Funny thing is a lot of Native American catholics say that they disliked it when we ditched the traditional mass and ad orientem worship.

  • Chris

    Next thing you know they might be “adoring” the magic box or whatever/whoever is inside it. And who knows where that will lead to and to what?…. Look what’s it doing to that poor young pastor they just got.

  • “magical box-looking thingy” — HA HA HA HA

  • Susan Sisson

    This would be hilarious, if it weren’t so sad…… many of today’s Catholics don’t believe the presence of Christ in the consecrated hosts ! I pray they soon recognize Him !!

  • G. C. Davis

    That padre’s got his priorities straight, and the parishioners are so used to the liberal mentality that has permeated the Church, that it became a shock to the system. With Comical results!

  • Abbie

    It’s funny because St. Joseph the Worker Parish in Maple Grove, Minnesota doesn’t have any in their tabernacle. It’s always empty…

  • Love this site — your satire really hits the mark. Imagine slipping into a parish church late some evening and finding the pastor “on his knees before the shiny gold box, reportedly transfixed”. Quite a compelling image though.

  • VLL

    Hey, Chicago has St. John Cantius, Holy Trinity, St Mary of the Angels, St. Stanislaws Koska and the Institute of Christ the King– (all places where good reverent masses with sane liturgical music can be had, and this is just off the top of my head) mostly so the area doesn’t collapse into a liturgical singularity. We have Cardinal George now, so things are different. Even the Cathedral is slowly being de-wreckavated.

    On a more serious note, there is a parish here in neighboring Indiana that would be mystified.. . if the “magic gold box” came out from behind THE HUGE FREAKIN BRICK WALL that the architect dained to put around the repose of Our Lord. Not even a crucifix to mark it out. We couldn’t figure out where it was for three days. *headdesk*

    • Christi H

      We’re Catholic, not Jewish! We don’t kneel before WALLS

  • Paul

    Thank God for a good Priest, but please, how stupid can people get, thanks to Vatican 2, place the tabernacle anywhere in a church, I have seen it in a closet too. Thank God many good Bishop’s which are few, are asking the priests of the Diocese to place the tabernacle back to the center of the church

  • Nancy Janzen

    We have one on the 1925 altar piece behind the moveable NO altar. Father, the deacon and sacristan do kneel to it. And the rest of us bow to it often.