St. Clare Press Ready To Publish New Non-confrontational Translation Of Bible

July 11, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads, Uncategorized

Bible roses

Cincinnati, OH––Catholic book publisher and distributer St. Clare Press announced today that their new non-confrontational translation of the Bible will be released sometime this September. St. Clare executive Roger Hammond told the press this week that he hopes the new translation helps to appease the minds of critics that have long called the Bible violent and judgmental. “It took close to a decade to complete this ambitious translation, and we’re confident it’ll help people better understand the all-encompassing compassion contained within the scriptures. Hammond goes on to explain one of the most riveting scenes in the New Testament where Jesus, after having overturned the tables of the money changers, goes back to help clean up, apologizing profusely as he does so. Another scene in which the compassion and kindness of Jesus shines forth is Matthew 16:23 where, after having been asked by Peter to not enter Jerusalem and eventually into the hands of the Pharisees, Jesus asks Peter to “hold that thought for a moment,” before addressing Satan; “Satan, if you wouldn’t moving just a tad bit behind me? I’d really like to get this little point across to Peter. I feel so rude asking you this, but…I mean don’t go out of your way or anything…” Hammond went on to tell reporters that the project has become a kind of therapy for all those involved in the project. One employee of St. Clare Press, Beverly Tomas, said that seeing Christ in a new, more tender, and compassionate way helped her get over years of abuse she suffered by “strict and judgmental nuns.” “I remember sitting back just a year ago and reading a newly translated verse in which the old Christ would’ve said something like “Woe to you, Pharisees, you hypocrites,” but now he gently places a hand on the shoulder of a Pharisee, pleadingly, and says,”Come on guys…I was gonna call you a whited-washed sepulchers, but honestly, I don’t think you’re a bad person…I just think maybe you’re hurting,” and lightly tapping the Pharisee on the chest, Jesus said unto him, “Hey, guy…you wanna know what I think? I think you’re hurting inside…hurting right there in that big ol’ heart of yours. Is that’s why you’re acting like this? Wanna talk about it?”

  • Veronica

    YAY!! A kinder and gentler Bible!!

  • Claire

    You guys crack me up. Sad thing is I expect to see it on the shelves any day now.

  • You think that’s irony?
    You think that’s sarcasm?
    It isn’t.
    It’s real!
    It happened!

    Come to germany. A few years ago the “Bibel in gerechter Sprache” (“The Bible in righteous language”) was published. And the protestants took that seriously. Even catholics funded that.

    Bible in NewSpeak.

    • Adam Hovey

      I was not born until 1988 but I do know that in the 1970s there was a translation of the Bible that used a southern dialect of African American vernacular English now that in itself is not a problem what is the problem is that it replaced a lot of places and things in the Bible like friends since Jerusalem Became Atlanta. That is the so-called briar patch gospel

      • ES

        Is that the translation where God proclaims “I is what I is”?

  • Chris

    Remember that old thing about the mark of successful satire being that it has an element of plausibility? It most definitely does…

  • Panda Rosa

    Surprised no one thought of this until now.

  • Jamey Brown

    Blessed are they who are made to feel uncomfortable for saying and doing what is “Right On,” if you really believe in your heart that I would do it too. Rejoice and be glad for you will be able to love whomever or whatever you want and receive the Holy Sacrament of Marriage in a church and not just a civil ceremony.

  • Kevin J. Bartell

    And this is different from the current NAB how, exactly? ^_^

  • ES

    In this translation, God didn’t rain down fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah too… it was just a misunderstanding and everyone was asked to “be nice to each other, mkaaay?”

  • Heinz

    And if your hand induces you to do evil, just sit down and take a deep breath. Meditate about it, maybe do some Yoga. If you still want to do it then, go ahead, nobody is going to j-word you.